Thanks your your review. The big G as you call is always a lead with me :)
Non-fiction / The End of the Rainbow
The End of the Rainbow
So we all know how the story goes: The wind and the rain came for forty days and forty nights and after a period of time the waters receded. Now what we know is this. That our Lord made a promise that he would not again destroy the earth and its inhabitants in this way again. So to us, to save that promise he placed the Rainbow in the sky.
Today as the storm passed, I saw the end of the Rainbow, two in fact. There wasn’t a pot of gold, or a leprechaun. There was a just peace that was overwhelming and a smile on my face. There was awe in my heart as I felt a part of the promise of a future to come. I can stand and gaze at the world as a child but live out my life without fear of the end. Let us tell our children the story we learned: That we were so loved and cherished that a sign was placed for us all to know the story is not finished. There is No End of the Rainbow.
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Whispers reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the tone of this. It’s nice and even though it’s short it tells a story.
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Sanders reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story…and I like the sentiment even more, but it may be a little too deep for a children’s tale.
Also, from a technical standpoint, I wouldn’t start with “we all know how the story goes.” It makes it seem like the story isn’t yours.
Even though you didn’t create the notion the tale, its your interpretation…you can own that.
Also, the juxtaposition of the religious notion and the Leprechaun/pot of gold imagery seems off. I think the relious right would say blaspehmous. And the left wing liberal sect would say leave religion out of it. I think you need to weave those two notions together a little more carefully.
Otherwise, I love the sentiment behind the story…and if its not in a short story, maybe you can chop it down a little bit (mostly using the sencond paragraph) as a quote or parable.
Loser701 reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt this piece was too short to really be considered a short story. It was more like the outline of a beginning and end of a story. It felt like it needed more substance.
I dig the idea behind this drabble though. The idea of discovering what’s at the end of the rainbow is interesting.
“I can stand and glaze at the world as a child but live out my life without fear of the end.”
I think you meant “gaze” there but I liked that sentence.
Also I would just watch punctuation & wording a little more. You started off with a run-on then commas were either misused or absent in a few places.
Stef reviewed Version 1 -
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upllfting, but i think when you lead with a peice about God, it might come across differently than if you were to give it a few sentences before whipping out the big G.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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The problem isn’t with the writing or the style, but all those things that make a piece a story—we have a fragment here, so there’s no story, no characters, no plot, and no setting. I would really like to see this in the context of the story. Keep it going.
hagiboy reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi.
It flows well. I dont like cliche but
I still managed to read to the end.
It is not really a story, more a prologue or epilogue. I am sure you know this anyway.Thanks.
alterego reviewed Version 1 -
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The premise of the rainbow in religious terms is nicely put. The description of the peaceful feeling that gazing at the rainbow and how the smile emerged from that peace was lovely. This piece in general, while pleasant to read, feels to me just a bit as if it is dangling out there.
AnnelyseRobin reviewed Version 1 -
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Correction: “There is no End of the Rainbow.”
I think this was quite inventive and creative, but it seemed more like the end of an inspirational or self-help book (“There was awe in my heart as I felt a part of the promise of a future to come.”) than a Children’s Story, which generally has actual characters, a “bad guy”, conflicts, morals, etc.
I just feel that the theme, the “point” of this piece, was too mature for a child to understand (your understanding of your mortality, how you’re unafraid of it, is interesting to read, but a child just wouldn’t get it).
As a child (albeit unreligious), I’ve never drawn any correlation at all between religion and rainbows. I don’t really understand why the opening paragraph is there; the stories of the “end of the rainbow” aren’t really related to forty days and forty nights of rain and other religious stories. Perhaps if you made an analogy about a pot of gold (or even leprechauns, as you did in your Notes to the Reader), it would be more suitable for a child, even though your Notes for the Reader also say that it’s a “children’s story”.
Can you explain, please, why you had the religious undertone here?
Excellent, but only suitable for a (relatively) narrow audience.
jezabel reviewed Version 1 -
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Its been told so many times. You need to make your telling of it so incredibly unique that it is published. I think that it was just a little too short and typical for plublication just yet. Liven it up a bit with a large variety of words not so over used in this type of story telling
Rhapsody reviewed Version 1 -
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First, run through and edit for typos and incorrect punctuation. That’s always the first step in editing any piece of writing.
To be completely honest, this doesn’t work very well as a short story as is. The first paragraph is a well-known bible story, so it really only serves as background for the second paragraph.
The second paragraph, however, has a great deal of potential, even though it’s not really a story as it stands. The imagery you use is beautiful. You might want to try turning it into a poem. Add some details and remove the filler words, the articles, etc, and see what you come up with after playing with it a bit. I think this piece could become a beautiful poem. Or, if you really want to make that paragraph a story, describe how you saw the end of the rainbow. A story needs events. Give a situation that leads to it, or more description of what was going on when it happened.
Whatever you decide to do with this piece, I suggest expanding on it, adding some details, giving it some more substance.
Good luck.
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