Poetry / Do It Again

I like the imagery in this but I feel like you could do more with punctuation, as if punctuation is something that you’re not really thinking about in this poem.  I guess I really want to understand why you choose to leave out periods at the end of sentences or stanzas, etc. – I don’t mind at all, but in this poem it doesn’t feel deliberate, which leave me feeling a little – unfinished, I guess, as if the poem is unfinished.

That being said, I am the meat of a mating zebra is a wonderful image, along with I am almost completely digested.

I think I understand something of what this poem’s about, but I also think that you may be trying to crowd too many metaphors into one poem.  The idea of the narrator as meat, as porcelain, as being suffocated, as being drowned – they’re all really powerful, so powerful in fact that I think even just one could stand on its own.  I feel that the poem jumps so rapidly from one idea to the next that the reader doesn’t really get to sink into these wonderful images you have.  We get yanked from one to the next so quickly that their impact is lessened.  

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December 13, 2005

by ashrascalling

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28	F	Spokane, WA	February 21

I added more in this version b/c the original got a mixed review on what it was about, it was unclear to the reviewer so… If the old version is preferred please let it be known. Thanks!

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Wow this was written very well.  One can feel the suppression being displayed here.  Now granted I’m sick right now, so I’m not sure how much sense I’m making, but this really spoke to me.  Good job!