I guess there might be too much description b/c originally this was written as a silent film. I added the rain earlier in the story as an afterthought. (In real life it poured as I pulled up to the daycare) Thanks for pointing out the incongruity.
Screenplay / The DayCare Dash
FADE IN:
INT.LIVING ROOM—DAY
RACHEL, 27, enters her living room carefully balancing a tray.
Rachel hasn’t bothered to change out of her ratty old pajama’s or brush her hair, which is still matted on the right right side from where she slept on it the night before. What’s important to Rachel right now isn’t her looks but the mouth watering breakfast before her.
She gently places the tray onto the coffee table in front of her tv. On the tray is fluffy pancakes, crisp bacon, perfectly scrambled eggs, hash browns and hot coffee.
Rachel flips on the tv. She’s just in time to catch the opening credits for her favorite soap, The Young and the Helpless.
RACHEL
Happy day off to me!
INT. LIVING ROOM—LATER
Rachel sits on the edge of the couch. Her fork full of pancakes is suspended in midair as she waits in anticipation. Finally she can’t take it anymore. She yells at the tv.
RACHEL
Come on Hictor! For God sakes open the door!
On the tv Hictor puts his hand on the doorknob.
RACHEL
(jumps up)
Yes Do it! Do it!
But just before Hictor can enter the room the show is interrupted by a…
BREAKING NEWS REPORT
Anchorman ANDY WILLIAMS sits behind his desk in the news room.
ANDY WILLIAMS
We’re interrupting you’re regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important breaking news.
RACHEL
Yeah, yeah hurry up.
ANDY WILLIAMS
All public schools will be dismissed at one o’clock today due to the expected increasing severity of this winter storm.
RACHEL
So what. Just get back to the show!
PHONE RINGS
RACHEL
Ugh what is it now?
Rachel goes to answer it.
INT. KITCHEN—MOMENTS LATER
Rachel picks up the phone.
RACHEL
Hello…No I’m sorry Sis I can’t. I’m in the middle of something. I’m not even dressed…
Rachel looks at the time on the microwave which reads “12:45.”
RACHEL
(irritated)
...One o’clock!...Sis you owe me big time for this…Fine, I’m going, bye.
Rachel slams the phone onto its holder and rushes away.
INT. LIVING ROOM—LATER
Rachel rushes towards the front door of her apartment dressed in a mismatched sweatshirt and sweat pants. She grabs her coat off the coat stand and slaps a baseball cap on her head on her way out the door.
EXT. PARKING LOT—MOMENTS LATER
Rachel sits her pocketbook on the roof of the car and fumbles around in her pockets for her car keys. She pulls them out, opens the car door and hurries into the car out of the pouring rain. She pulls off without retrieving her pocketbook.
EXT. BUSY BEES DAY CARE CENTER—LATER
Rachel pulls up to the day care center. There’s no empty spaces so she double parks on the busy two-lane avenue. She jumps out of the car just as someone pulls up behind her.
CAR HORN
RACHEL
(holds up one finger)
One minute!
The driver honks again and then pulls around her. Rachel rushes into the day care center.
EXT. BUSY BEES DAY CARE CENTER—MOMENTS LATER
Rachel rushes out of the center carrying her two-year-old niece ASHLEY.
Rachel reaches her car and finally sees her pocketbook. She grabs it and then balancing both Ashley and the pocketbook in the same hand she opens the door with the other. Clumsily she drops Ashley into the back seat. She tosses her pocketbook and car keys into the front passenger seat and then buckles Ashley in.
Ashley pulls Rachel’s hat off her head. She points at her messy hair and laughs.
RACHEL
I know. I know. It’s your mommie’s fault.
ASHLEY
Mama?
RACHEL
Yes Mama.
LOUD HORN
RACHEL
Okay we have to go.
Rachel puts on the safety lock and slams the door. She looks up to see a bus has pulled up behind her. She holds up her finger signaling one minute and rushes around to the driver’s side of the car.
She goes to open the door but its locked. She checks her pockets for the keys.
A look of horror suddenly contorts Rachel’s features. She peeks through the window to see her car keys and pocket book sitting on the seat. Rachel rushes around the car to the passenger side. She pulls the door but it too is locked.
RACHEL
Oh no! No, no, no no!
The bus HONKS LOUDLY.
Rachel impatiently waves the bus forward.
RACHEL
Go Around! Go Around.
But there’s nowhere for the bus to go. Traffic in the opposite direction is stopped at a light so there’s no room for the bus to maneuver.
Suddenly the sky opens up. Freezing rain pours from the heavens. The sound of it hitting the pavement is like Rice Krispies in a bowl of milk.
Rachel holds her arms over her head in order to protect herself. She looks into the car. Ashley smiles at her. Rachel points at the door handle and makes motions for Ashley to open the door.
RACHEL
Ashley open the door!
Ashley just laughs and claps her hand.
RACHEL
Okay, okay, It’s not as bad as it looks. I’ll just call nine-one-one.
She pats her pockets for her cell phone and then stops suddenly. She looks into the car. Her cell phone is on her seat.
The BUS DRIVER steps off the bus.
BUS DRIVER
(calls out)
What’s the problem lady?
RACHEL
I’m locked out.
The bus driver walks over to the car. He sees Ashley in the back seat. He shakes his head.
RACHEL
Do you have a phone?
The bus driver pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Rachel.
RACHEL
Thank you so much.
EXT. BUSY BEES DAY CARE CENTER—LATER
The bus is gone. A police cruiser is next to Rachel’s car. The POLICE OFFICER successfully jimmies open Rachel’s locked door. Rachel throws her arms around him in appreciation.
RACHEL
Thank you so much.
POLICE OFFICER
Are you gonna be okay ma’am?
RACHEL
Yes, thanks again.
The officer tips his hat and rushes back to his cruiser.
Soaking wet Rachel jumps into the car. She looks back to Ashley.
RACHEL
Are you okay?
Ashley nods her head. Shivering Rachel grabs her car keys.
RACHEL
Let’s get some heat in here.
She puts the key in the ignition and turns. Nothing happens. Rachel turns the key twice more.
RACHEL
You’ve got to be kidding me.
She gives it one last try. After a dramatic puttering the car finally starts.
ASHLEY
You kid me.
Ashley laughs loudly. Rachel smiles and breathes a sigh of relief as we…
FADE OUT
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KindredSpirit reviewed Version 1 -
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Englishmaninhouston reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a nice little, quirky screenplay. It felt like it was due a better ending though, maybe something to do with her trying to get back to her show, or something that makes her become embarassed by her appearance in public. Thought it could’ve definately been funnier (for instance it seems as if the TV part was supposed to be funny but it wasn’t). Not that I can tell, but it seems to me like you have a lot of potential, so continue to write alot and write well.
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professorninja reviewed Version 1 -
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I guess you could call this a frantic little slice of life. I personally didn’t find it particularly funny, but I could see how in the hands of a good director it could be somewhat cute. I think you may have added a little too much unnecessary description, which you don’t typically see in a screenplay, since the screenwriter is usually expected to leave a certain amount of creative leeway in the hands of the director. I also don’t understand why Rachel left the handbag on the top of the car. If she was able to retrieve it once she got to the daycare, how does leaving it on top of the car further the story? And who would ever put a purse down on top of a car in the rain? Not that I carry a purse, but it seems like no one woman would ever do something like that. You did achieve the original directive by getting the required snippet of dialogue into it, although Rachel ends up saying it to herself, which, for me, defeats the whole purpose of calling it dialogue. Anyway, you have a decent sense of pacing throughout; I would work on the idea in general.
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