Thanks,
You don’t think it was the (Angelic) Brother Michael who might be made fun of? There IS a lot of prejudice in my stories, as in the world, often misplaced. e.g. the Goblin. That is one of my points.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Stygmarsh Chapter 6. About Tabr Hold
The men discussed the situation at length before settling to sleep. They decided that further attempts at escape would be futile, at least until they discovered what the lizard folk had in store for them. It was some small comfort that they were not chained, nor tortured or killed outright. The priests were the happiest, being reunited, and Michael momentarily lost his despair and he and Frances talked of old times and also the future when Frances would be Vicar of Tawfen. Thom and Jim were also busy exchanging news from the Thanelands. Thom was much younger than Jim and still fresh to his weapons. He immediately unburdened his thoughts to his experienced cousin and it transpired that part of Thom’s baggage contained two bolts of valuable silk that his steading had brought the previous winter and Thom had been entrusted to sell at the Mayfair. Jim informed him that there was no sign of either amongst the wreckage of the campsite and Thom was sure that they were lost, and with them his standing at his Thanehall. Jim smiled at such small worries and his confidence greatly cheered the younger man. Manon’s panic and fear subsided now they had joined with Thom and Frances, for he realised that the ‘dragon – men’ were not going to eat them. He talked to Tricky, now keen to get away from the place and gather the reward for rescuing Brother Frances. Not that any of this talking really mattered in their current predicament but somehow it helped everyone to keep sight of the familiar in such unfamiliar surroundings.
Manon awoke with the sound of dull pounding in his ears.
“Whassat?” he asked bleary-eyed, starting awake from a dream where he was stabbing the great lizard in the back, over and over again.
“Drums,” answered Jim matter-of-factly, “Been at it for an hour. One of the little fellows bought these too. Breakfast anyone?”
The ranger indicated a wooden plate with six small raw fish on it, and the two others he had been working on, though without a knife it was messy business. Hunger drove them and they picked at the fish pieces and washed them quickly down with water, Brother Michael complaining the loudest about the fact that it was barely edible to their palates. Manon went to the furthest of the three caves, where they had dumped the Goblin and which served as their urinal, and relieved himself. The Goblin was awake and watched him from the nest of reeds he lay in. Manon was not afraid of Goblins, knowing his bandit Clan sometimes had friendly dealings with them, but he was curious. He asked it where it had come from, but it looked at him in silence. The trickster returned with some fish and water and tried again, but the Goblin remained remote, took the fish.
“Well theres nothing to be ‘ad from it,” he reported back to the others, quite cheerfully considering their position.
“Tis a Goblin. Whadd’ya expect? Singing?” Jim remarked sarcastically.
The drumming persisted and after an hour the shaman, they now identified as Kharoon, unlocked the prison gate. The shaman clicked something to the four great lizards behind it, and the huge beasts hung back.
“In kom. pliss?” Kharoon enquired.
“By all means,” Tricky said with a mock bow.
“Meet you Vakknu. Kom,” the lizard said, looking them over with a sniff.
“Vak-noo?” Mano tried to repeat the name, “Is he King?”
“Vakknu GarrKarrak – mean Keeper of All – above,” the shaman said bowing with, it seemed, reverence. It then spat mightily on the floor.
“Oh! How disgusting!” Brother Michael exclaimed.
The shaman ushered in two of the huge lizards, and issued commands. One collected the Goblin and pushed it with the others. Kharoon made it clear by gesture that it required the prisoners to follow the other two huge lizards. The Priests went first, telling the others it would be alright and walking together arm in arm, followed by Thom Corn and Jim with Tricky a step behind. As for the Goblin, it shrunk at the back with Manon whom it seemed to regard as the safest of the humans. It was silent and withdrawn, though its eyes quested about nervously, and Manon whistled because it was making him nervous too. The lizards herded them from the prison cave and they marched towards the drumming under the watchful eyes of the escort.
The Great Cavern was filled with orange light from a score of oil lamps burning in stone bowls supported on wood tripods. The cavern was also filled with a vast crowd of the small lizard folk, a sea of glittering green scales in the lurid light. Whether the stench of fish arose from the smoking oil or was carried from the reptilian multitude was difficult to say. There were hundreds of them, adults and young too, massed around the pool at the foot of the rocky buttress and their clicking chatter all but drowned out the thumping of the drums. Standing like towers between them and the pool, and keeping them back from it, were a score or more of the great lizards. The company was marched around the buttress rock and into that cleared space and the sounds of the lizard folk trailed off, leaving only the drumming.
Kharoon directed the prisoners to stand still and with their backs to the crowd, they saw the great three-eyed Lizard Idol carved on the buttress for the first time. It was a flattened representation of one of the great lizards with a jaw of sharp teeth, webbed claws and feet and a long curling tail. Unlike those, however, the two almond eyes had a smaller partner, a third eye in the centre and higher up on the forehead. A long wooden ladder was leaning against the carving, its top reaching twenty feet to the lip of the ledge whilst the bottom was lost in the brackish pool. Brother Michael regarded the gargoyle-like idol with a wave of distaste, almost nausea.
“Pagan!” he hissed to Frances.
“You have nothing to fear. I went through this some days ago. Just keep the Faith with you, Brother.” Frances whispered back, squeezing his arm in support.
“You.. you’re not joining us?” Michael said, aghast.
“No. It is not permitted to approach the idol again.”
“Again? So what will happen?” Michael asked anxiously
“All I know is that if their Idol demands it, a stranger will be rejected from the Hold or worse.”
“Worse?” Michael gulped.
Before he could reply further, the drumming stopped and the Priests were seized and pulled apart by a great lizard and Frances and Thom were taken away from the others.
“We will share the same fate, as we share the same Faith!” Frances managed to call back before the pair were removed from the Great Cavern.
On the rock ledge above the buttress, reached by rock stairs coming down on either side of the pool, a score of small lizard folk stood in two distinct groups. On one side were a dozen or more of the necklaced shaman lizards, their short headcrests painted in different colours and each bearing a baton as if it were official. At their fore was one of their number dressed differently from the rest. It was swathed in a great quantity of skins and pelts of different marsh creatures, so much so that it appeared almost round in shape. Its crest was taller than the others and trimmed and greased into spikes each plastered a different colour. This leader of the shaman lizards had caused the drums to fall silent with a wave of its baton. The other group consisted of lizard folk wearing coats of bird feathers. They were gathered about a fat lizard seated on a large wooden chair, carved with stick-like figurines. Strapped onto its head was a huge head-dress of black feathers. It was dressed in a long smock-like garment, off-white in colour, slit up the sides and tied with cord. When all was quiet, the leader of the shaman bowed toward the lizard in the chair and spat at its feet. The Lizard King got up slowly, revealing a full and round belly straining at the side-slits of its coat, and spoke to the Hold in a long throttling voice.
At intervals in the speech the crowd responded with a stamp of their webbed feet, a chorus of ‘Vakk-noo’, an odd hissing and, at the end, a great show of spittle. The Lizard King returned to its throne and, at a signal from the head shaman, the drums started up a slow regular rhythm.
It was clear to Manon that they would have to go up this ladder and appease the idol one by one. It was rather like Ring Rosie, Manon thought to himself. He dimly remembered a village once and a game where a lad with a fiddle played a dance and someone was beaten with sticks when he stopped. It was a poor thought if one of them would be touching the Idol as the lizard drums stopped their low languid beat.
The Squire had more detached thoughts about the ceremony. He, of course, had himself abstained from the whole process, but the dull thudding drums had called him forth from his hiding place. Now he watched, lean, ragged and unshaven, from a high natural window in a high corner of the Great Cavern, muttering to himself.
Brother Michael took a deep gulp of air, turned away from the pool and announced to the company, in a rather quiet but determined manner, “I’ll go first,” hoping his resoluteness would give them all courage. The effect was rather spoiled by the soft muttered “Oh Dear!” when one of the lizard shaman came forward and pointed to him and to the idol anyway. He stepped forward and plunged into the pool, his black smock billowing in the water, and slowly waded toward the idol. He climbed up the wooden steps, its old rungs worn smooth by use, past the toothy scowling mouth and the flared nostrils, to the two carved eyes and the smaller third eye between and above them. Here at the top he didn’t quite know what was expected of him, and looked to the figure of the high shaman peering down from the ledge, who responded with nothing more than a sideways blink of inhuman violet eyes. He turned his gaze down to his friends at the poolside. The shaman they called Kharoon was pointing to the Idol and motioning him to touch the third eye by jabbing his claw into his forehead.
This eye was in fact a polished glassy rock, about the size of two clenched fists, sitting in a shallow hollow in the wall. The outline of the hollow was carved into the shape of an eye and the stone acted as its odd pupil. Michael reached into the recess and saw how close-up the stone held small crystals of yellow and green within it, saw how they formed curious spirals that caught the light. It all went very quiet in the cavern except for the insistent drumming. Water dripped from the hem of his smock. He closed his eyes and said a prayer to himself, touched the stone quickly and released it. From the ‘Kings’ ledge above him a horn sounded a rude note that echoed in the caverns and the crowd of lizards began clicking again. To Michael’s relief, nothing had happened to him and from above him a scaly arm reached down and he grasped it and scrambled up onto the ledge. The King nodded to him and a shaman directed him to wait and be still.
The others waded, one-by-one, into the pool and climbed to touch the Idols eye, and at each touch, the horn was blown and signified, it seemed to the relief of each, that they had passed the test of the lizards’ God. When at last they were all assembled on the ledge, the Head Shaman was the one to turn and walk away first, as if the ceremony had been performed for it rather than the King. The shaman lizards, necklaces clinking, turned after it and followed it through the wide leather curtain at the back of the ledge. The last shaman turned about as it was passing through the curtain and Tricky recognized it as the lizard he had wounded with the spear. It stared straight back at the nasturian and bared its small sharp teeth. Tricky cast back a contemptuous sneer.
After the ceremony back in their cell, they gave vent to a general feeling of an ordeal survived, even if they were still prisoners.
“I wonder what that was all about?” said Manon.
“They were testing our Faith in the Angels,” Brother Michael replied, “Trying to shake us with that filthy Idol nonsense!”
“Some hollow pagan ritual of these beasts,” Frances agreed.
“And I’m pleased to say we were not found wanting!” Michael beamed, “Our Faith will see us through any test they try!”
The company nodded at the Priests and were glad of their optimism, though the glances they shared with each other were slightly uneasy.
“Whose that ‘Ead Shaman then? It seems dangerous,” Manon asked.
“They call it the Rock Mover in the Hold,” Frances explained. “And its name is Pow-iss or somesuch, though the shaman have also referred to it as ‘the Old Newt’, as far as I could understand them. It’s in charge of their Pagan worship.”
“What’s it like?”
“We haven’t met it yet, thankfully,” Frances replied.
It was many boring hours later before the lizards visited the Prison again. This time the nature of the visit was totally different and obscure. Kharoon tried explaining the matter to them in its implacable slow manner.
“Dannu – fight – salt-seeper,” it pointed at Tricky. “Takk – salt-seeper - Vakknu.” The nasturian looked unconcerned, his arms folded nonchalently.
“Who is this Dannu?” Manon asked. Kharoon started to reply but thought better of it and ended up pointing at Tricky and feigning a stab with its baton into its own shoulder until they understood it was the shaman Tricky had speared.
“One die – Vakknu chose.” Kharoon tried.
“A fight to the death? Why that’s barbarous!” Michael protested. “Frances!” he turned to his friend for support.
“Refuse to go!” Frances told Tricky. “They can’t make you. No!” he turned to Kharoon, “Tricky no-go.”
“Dannu – kkill salt-seeper – Tikky.” Kharoon simply informed them, pointing at Tricky with a shrug. Tricky thought but could see was no way out of it, so he put on a brave face and his best look of malice.
“Ya, I vill go. I finish der damn lizard off dis time,” he said.
Kharoon nodded. “One nest brother – with Tikky – komm pliss,” it said, looking about at them.
“You want one of us to go too!” Frances said. Both priests shook their heads vehemently, thinking it madness, but Jim stepped forward.
“I’ll come,” Jim volunteered, more out of curiosity than any attachment to the nasturian. Thom also stood but Kharoon held up one scaly digit and pointed to Jim. Jim nodded to show he agreed and Kharoon left.
“Don’t think we got much choice,” Jim told the Priests. “It should be no bother fer you,” he said to Tricky, who smiled as if it was a fine joke.
The Priests went to the second cavern, Michael calling it disgraceful, and prayed together unable to do anything else about it. The marshmen took over the discussion with Tricky, advising him on the weak spot on the lizard belly, though the nasturian just smiled and made light of it.
Kharoon came for Tricky and Jim an hour later. He took the pair to the Great Cavern, up to the Kings ledge and beyond the curtain where they passed through a doorway whose door was a round disc-like stone and began a long winding ascent. They passed caverns whose walls were carved and painted with weird symbols and stick-like figures causing them to glance at eachother wide-eyed, and at last came to a large cavern that was open to the stars, a waning moon just visible in the patch of blue-black sky above. At the center of this cavern sat a sculpted squarish rock around which an expectant group of shaman and four great lizards were gathered under the wicker firebug lamps to witness the fight. The shaman Dannu was there with a painted yellow head comb. It had relinquished its necklace and baton and held instead a curved knife, a mat of brown leaves plastered where Tricky had hit it before. The shaman Kharoon led Tricky to the ring of small stones which were pressed into a circle of white sand that surrounded the rock. It gave him a similar knife to the one Dannu carried, a sharp iron blade set into a bone handle. It then turned to Jim and said to him.
“You nest brother,” Kharoon indicated Tricky, “If go over stones, kill you Tikky.”
“What?” Jim stammered. Kharoon explained again slowly, pointing that he must kill his friend if he tried to escape the match. The marshman was forced to agree and he too was given a knife. The bout started.
The little shaman lizard was fast and agile. It darted in quickly, aimed a slash and nimbly retreated. Tricky, too, was no slouch, no stranger to the knife but he couldn’t manage to catch the lizard. They fenced and circled, neither penetrating the others guard and neither willing to commit. The shaman lunged suddenly and Tricky backed off and his foot scraped the circle. The spectator lizards hissed excitedly.
“Watch it!” Jim called, “If you go out yer a dead man!”
The lizard followed up with a cut to Tricky’s forearm causing him to yelp. It bled slightly and the shaman erupted into more animated clicks. Tricky maneuvered away from the circle edge. He was beginning to sweat and pant with his exertions and was getting angry with frustration.
“I’m bluddy zick off dis!” and so saying Tricky feinted to move back, but instead stepped forward and, before the lizard could react he’d parried off its knife and unleashed his boot. The toe caught the shaman in the chest and it flew backward in a heap bringing the circle of lizards to their feet in animated klicks! Tricky was on the lizard in a flash and held off the shamans knife arm, punching it back down as it tried to rise. He consolidated his position by sitting on the little creature and brought his own knife up to its throat. But he hesitated then, his quarry pinned beneath him.
“What are you waiting for? Finish it!” Jim shouted, and clearly the other lizards shared the same idea, whether Dannu was their kin or not. They gurgled and clicked and made stabbing motions into the ground. Still Tricky hesitated and finally he raised his weapon to strike as the lizard Dannu looked straight at him and spoke for the first time.
“Kkill Dannu,” it said imitating the Young Kingdoms tongue.
Perhaps because the miserable creature wanted it, maybe because he suspected the other lizards would kill him anyway or possibly for another reason that even he was unsure of, the thrust never came; Instead Tricky punched the shaman unconscious using the knife-pommel and stood up. There was a stunned silence, apart from Jim shouting “Well done, lad! Well done! You showed ‘em!”
The ranger entered the ring and clapped the nasturian on the back. The lizards fell to an angry muttering and finally Kharoon came over.
“Why no kkill?” it asked.
Tricky shrugged, gave no answer.
“He no live. Vakknu leave Dannu,” the shaman was angry.
Kharoon issued some curt orders and the two humans were relieved of their knives and escorted back to the cells. They told the others of the fight and the route they had taken up to the Rock room and that is was open to the sky. The fact it was night caught them all slightly by surprise when they thought about it. The Hold, they concluded, seemed to operate in the hours of darkness. Jim still couldn’t understand why Tricky hadn’t killed the little beast, though Manon said he’d have done the same. Tricky grinned but kept his notions to himself.
Next evening as soon as they awoke, a group of four shaman came to visit. All were robed in a stunning garment of white consisting of a single sheet with a hole for the head so that it hung down at the front and back, the sides being secured together with a braided cord. They each carried small wooden batons, these polished and studded with carven symbols, and waited patiently to be acknowledged inside the wickerwork gate. All eyes were on the visitors but nobody spoke. As Thom spat a reed noisily from between his lips and glanced toward Jim, the eldest lizard nodded and made spittle on the floor. Manon jumped up and wiping his mouth first, gobbed heavily on the ground.
“Greeting your.. er.. Newtnesses,” he hazarded.
The other looked at its comrades briefly and blinked. “Kkom. Water.” It held a scaled hand to the sunken nostrils on its longish face and blew through them on it, shaking his head then and pointing at the trickster.
“I do believe he thinks you stink!” Michael exclaimed. Everyone, even Manon laughed suddenly and hard, and a shudder of relaxation swept the humans.
“Dearsay a bath would be a fine idea,” Frances commented.
They allowed themselves to be led to the Great Cavern and up behind the curtained ledge to a passage winding upward. At the first branch they were shown into a side chamber by a lizard in a dark blue robe that was waiting for them. The cave was lit with the glow of the beetles and inside, one small lizard sat with its short tail curled below it, naked except for a brown cloth over its loins. Ringed around it were six stones the size of saddlebags. It was not bath time after all.
“Ssit,” the lizard gestured the stones, “Waitt.”
One of their escort and the shaman in blue robes stayed in the room as they took their seats, whilst the others, with a strange groundward snort, left. The white robed lizards seemed ill at ease with the blue robed one, and to Manon’s eye seemed to be watching each other.
“Not you again!” Tricky said, suddenly recognizing the sitting lizard to be Dannu. The creature was now bereft of its pagan shamanic possessions, and its skin crest, that had been raised and coloured yellow now lay flat on its head, unadorned by paint.
“I you. Together be. I yours,” Dannu said, emphasizing it by clapping a claw first on itself then on the nasturian, who recoiled.
“Mine?” Tricky blurted.
“Life mine,” the creature agreed. It was impossible for the humans to detect the actual terse resignation in the lizards’ voice.
Their reaction to Dannu was interrupted by the small yet formidable figure of Kharoon stalking in with the strutting fashion odd to the lizard folk. He was followed by three others wearing green mantles, and two large lizards brought up the rear and put themselves by the doorway. Kharoon came to them and sat on its tail, placing onto the floor before them what at first seemed a pile of leaves, but which were pieces of bark. Each was painted with meticulous runes and pictures and at least one seemed to be a map. Kharoon selected a large flat piece and after moving a light closer, which one of its companions carried, began to scan it and tell them something of the Hold and of its god and originator, Vakknu.
Over the next days they were instructed, on a nightly basis, in something of the nature and custom of the Hold and its strange lizard folk. The lizards called this place Tabr and their society appeared to be organized into clans or Nests, each of which was headed by the shaman lizards. These Nests had their own mysterious functions within the Hold. Kharoon himself was the shaman elder of the Nest called Troos and they numbered many speakers of the Young Kingdoms and other tongues amongst them, forbidden to other Nests. Kharoon told them that it was the idea of Nest Troos to capture the humans in the first place, though it kept the purpose obscure, and none of the prisoners could get any more about this out of Kharoon. The Lizard King, that fat lizard they had seen the day they touched the idol, was the Karrak or the ‘Keeper of the Rock’ as it was translated to them. Its name was Galaiss and it headed its own Nest, of what sounded like Vekk. This Nest included the healers of the Hold in charge of the gathering of herbs for medicine, and it transpired that Gaviss, the old lizard they had taken hostage, was a member of that Nest.
Indeed Gaviss hadn’t even been recognized by Manon until the next night of study in the ‘learning cave’ when it arrived and introduced two of the shaman lizards to the company, one clothed in orange and the other in a yellow-stained hide. These lizards were named Yiss and Krakka, as far as they could be sure, and Kharoon informed the company that they were to be taught the human tongue. Manon enjoyed talking to them, calling them “Piss and Crackers” for his own amusement. It was slow work but he did gather from them some information that, as far as he could judge, seemed more useful. He picked up a certain tension in the Hold. Somewhere in these lofty chambers a political storm was brewing. Manon only hoped it didn’t end the way a bandit feud ended: in bloodshed, and an awful lot of it.
More practically they found out that the healers of the King’s Nest of Vekk seemed to be allied with Kharoons Nest of Troos and another Nest, that of Tabr. Together these three condoned their presence in the Hold for whatever purpose it was they were being held prisoner. The use of the Kings chambers for their study and instruction was an honour, if the smelly old cave could be regarded in any sort of way as regal. Yet there was a measure of safety in that, as Manon made clear to them, for he gathered that one Nest spoke against them. This was the Nest of Diama that was headed by the overall head of the shaman, Powiss – the Old Newt. Manon did not like the thought of what would happen if this Nest was put in charge of them.
Tricky seemed to have the most favour, though. He had acquired Dannu as a sort of attendant and was even brought his own thin, sharp sword to wear by the ex-shaman, which he selfishly hid from the others. Tricky mostly yawned and put his feet up rather than listen to another boring lecture or have to talk with the lizard pupils. When he did talk to Piss and Crackers he taught them insults and swear words in nasturian, until Brother Frances reprimanded him and the lizards went away, puzzled. Tricky sat about, alone and bored taking his irritation out on Dannu until one time, demanding food from Dannu, to his surprise the lizard motioned him to follow it out of the prison past the ever-present great lizards. Tricky followed Dannu tentatively, suspicious of being attacked, but the huge guardians only followed him with their eyes and he was suddenly past them. Jim, seeing this, quickly made to follow them as well, but a clicking growl and a spearpoint soon dissuaded him.
Tricky was treated to quite a tour of the Hold by Dannu. They visited what could only be described as villages of mud slopped against several vast caverns that joined to the Great Cavern through the tunnels opposite the idol. These mud dwellings were stacked on top of eachother, without window or door to be seen but instead each with an entry hole in the roof as space allowed. Here, crammed in hole upon hole, the populace of the small lizards in the Hold seemed to live. Tricky watched the slink of their tails going in and out of the mounds as they scuttled up handholds, all the while clicking in their alien tongue. The lizards ignored him and he watched closer what they were doing, for wherever he turned a lizard was doing something. Mending a net, carrying water, carrying baskets of light bugs, fish, eels and all manner of reed and rush, tree and bush, in bales and buckets. Indeed the feverish industry of the little beasts was probably the most horrific aspect of the lizard folk for the work-shy youth. He almost tittered in disbelief when two would stop and exchange a brief series of clicks and clacks! Were the lizards gossipping? It was too wierd for Tricky.
“Vikken!” Dannu snissed derisively through its lizardy nostrils, though Tricky had no idea what it was on about.
Tricky was beginning to enjoy his freedom, taking his fill of some of the better tasting tubers and berries from the collecting baskets, and was starting to entertain more self-seeking thoughts, when he was abruptly barred from a particular corridor by a real beast of a lizard, seven feet tall and fully armed with spear, net and an axe of great proportions. It approached aggresively and Tricky fled immediately. Dannu explained, when it caught up with him, the obvious; that entry was forbidden him. Tricky realized it must be a way out of the Hold and with that it dawned on him that he was still a prisoner. That morning, as he returned from his expedition, he decided to share some information with the company, and he found that in return, they contributed much he didn’t know.
The men gathered for a council as they did after every night of ‘Forced Pagan study’ as Michael put it. After a prayer led by the priests, they ate the raw fish and went over any points that might be important. Jim’s idea to grab a map was soon foiled when Kharoon took them away, so he was hoping Tricky might have found out something useful. They all hoped the Squire had got away, though in private not many rated his chances of getting back to civilization alive. Being the most learned there on religeous matters, the Priests tried to take control of these discussions.
“Their pagan god Vakknu is, of course, the Creator in lizard form..” Michael was expounding before Manon interrupted. The trickster always disagreed with the Priest privately, but now he spoke his thought aloud.
“Vakknu is the moon, Michael,” Manon insisted. “The lizard who had led them all to these caves long, long ago I heard was called Nokkem or somesuch, not Vakknu.”
“Piffle! Vakknu is that lizard..” Michael tried to counter.
“No! It was Nokkem I tell you! Apparently a great white lizard, shining like the moon.” Michael and Manon began to argue until Jim stopped them.
“Get on with it, storyteller!” Jim grunted in irritation, indicating the trickster.
“Sorry. Er.. well that was, let me see, what did he say? Elevenish thousand moons ago?” Manon reflected, his mathmatical mind whirring, “That would be ‘bout a thousand years right? Well that’s when this.. er.. ‘white lizard’ brought them here to live.”
“Hardly a land of promise!” Brother Michael sniffed, somewhat peeved at so easily losing out to the marshman.
“Yeah. So Crackers told me they’re gonna go back wherever in a thousand moons or so they believe.. least ways that’s what I think it meant.” Manon continued, scratching at his rather unkempt mop of hair.
“He’s right you know, it is about a thousand years,” Frances said to Michael still wearing a slightly sulky look.
“Well they got maps,” said Jim gruffly, unimpressed by the information about, to his mind, the lizards’ meaningless beliefs. “I seen one there. If I knew where we were, I could get us out.”
“And I may know der right tunnel,” Tricky said unexpectedly. He usually just slept and added little.
“Maybe you could draw us a map?” Jim suggested, sweeping aside the reeds he sat on and offering a stick for Tricky to mark the earth there.
“Er.. I don’t think now is the time,” Manon said, nodding towards Dannu, who as ever, was sitting quietly within a few yards of Tricky. Jim agreed reluctantly.
“So what you found out?” Jim asked Tricky. The nasturian, pleased to be the centre of attention, began to describe what he had seen.
They were all impressed that Tricky could wander where he pleased within the Hold and Tricky was asked, just short of begged, by Brother Michael, to provide some decent food or a fire to cook by at the least. There was a general murmur of assent.
“Vell, Vather, try one of dese,” and in a wild moment of charity, Tricky rolled his cache of berries and fruits onto the floor. They were all delighted and Tricky, accepting a great deal of blessing and congratulations, agreed to see what he could do about making their lot more comfortable. It was the first time Tricky felt any such acceptance from strangers and in his mind, usually barren with selfishness, a seedling of humanity began to grow.
As they settled to sleep Tricky scowled at Dannu as usual and the lizard backed off a fraction in response. Still, Tricky thought, it might have its uses, even if he was forced to accept this creature to be his constant companion.
The next evening, the start of the day as the Hold reckoned time, Jim watched the lizard Dannu quickly washing itself with circular motions of its palms. He awoke the others and laughed.
“It seems it is a he,” Jim said, pointing, “Look! It’s got a dongle!”
“Is dat vot you call it in der Tanelands?” Tricky laughed.
The lizard dropped the water gourd and rewound the loin-cloth hurriedly. Have I shamed it? Jim wondered, a bit uncomfortable with the idea. It was almost impossible to gather any emotions from the lizards.
That night was more profitable for everyone, for after the study period, Tricky was able, through Dannu, to get Kharoon’s agreement that one of the fish-fat burners would be put at their disposal. A great lizard delivered the burner and a gourd of oil soon after.
“Do you have to do that?” Michael asked Manon, after he spat a parting gob almost onto the feet of the great lizard.
“Just being friendly!” Manon replied happily.
“Well I think it’s disgusting.” Michael returned. “We don’t want to be too friendly with these pagan creatures.”
They soon set the burner up and began cooking, Tricky forcing Dannu to learn the task and then take over.
“I’m waiting til one of ‘em big fellas gobs on you,” Jim said to Manon with a smirk, much of his colour and humour having returned with the hot meal of sizzled fish, greasy but good. The food filled the prison caves with more than its succulent smells. For the first time maybe, a feeling of warmth even a feeling of camraderie circled about the men.
“Got any salt?” Michael asked, now tucking into his second golden fish piece, accompanied by a tuber, rather crunchy, like a celery.
“Now dat is difficult!” Tricky said, “Sal seems to be like der gold dust here. Dey all carries de liddle bag around de neck here. Dey trade it and eat it. Except Danni-boy here.” he motioned the crouching lizard with a smirk, “He hess to ask vor it.”
The lizard looked at him blankly, he had no salt bag, and began to deep fry another fish.
“What else you found out?” Jim asked him.
“Vell dere are a couple of vays out, both go off de Great Cave. But dere are der big vuns alvays guarding.”
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Keifeto_Darkles reviewed Version 2 -
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This is pretty good, if i wasnt tired, i read it from the beginning, but from what i have seen here and read, its not that bad. a little dry for my tastes. but it reminds me of the Dragon Lance Series in how it is written, so bravo. keep this up.
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alinde reviewed Version 2 -
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As far as your aim to introduce the culture and custom of the Lizard folk, it is well written. I understood the language and customs, almost like I had seen it in a Sci-Fi movie somewhere before. (please note that I haven’t)
It was a bit hard to get into and it didn’t keep my attention very well. I liked the interaction between the lizards and the humans, action is a great way to keep attention. I didn’t find myself feeling bad for the humans, or feeling angry with the Lizard people for their treatment of the humans. Maybe add a little more excitement, one of them gets taken away by the Lizards and is beaten in private, or something to that realm. I also didn’t understand how they came to be held against their will. Perhaps you explained that in a chapter before this one that I was unable to read.
I did find a few punctuation problems for instance:
You wrote: The other looked at its comrades briefly and blinked. “Kkom. Water.” It held a scaled hand to the sunken
Vakknu is that lizard..” Michael tried to counter.
mathmatical mind whirring, “That would
Jim said, pointing, “Look! It’s got a dongle!”
“Well I think it’s disgusting.” Michael returned. “We don’t want to be too friendly with these pagan creatures.”
It should read:
The other looked at its comrades briefly and blinked. “Kkom. Water,” it held a scaled hand to the sunken
Vakknu is that lizard,” Michael tried to counter.
mathematical mind whirring, “that would
Jim said, pointing, “look! Its got a dongle!”
“Well I think it’s disgusting,” Michael returned, “we don’t want to be too friendly with these pagan creatures.”
And there were two words together that I think should be separate.
You wrote:
“And its name is Pow-iss or somesuch, though the shaman have also referred to it as ‘the
It should read:
“And its name is Pow-iss or some such, though the shaman have also referred to it as ‘the
MistyJRose reviewed Version 2 -
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Im still enjoying this story, and just realized i never read chapters 1-3. lol.
Your pacing is still great, you characters still well developed and lively. things seem to be going better for them in this chapter, so im wondering now what the next chapter brings. I liked the descriptions in this chapter as well. How they stink from lack of a bath, and the smells of the fish as they finally can cook it over a burner. Even the way you described the way it felt as they ate it raw was great. I’m looking forward to reading your next chapter, and maybe the first three. Thanks for letting me read this.
JRQuick628 reviewed Version 2 -
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The main problem i have with your story is the structur which made it really difficult to read at some points, especially since it is on a computer screen. The paragrahps were to large and complex and should be broken down so give the reader mroe breaks and more points for which they can keep their spot on. Beisdes that this was a a good story, keep it up.
Huntress080 reviewed Version 2 -
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I thought that this was great it was old fashion swash buckling adventure. I think that it will attrack a lot readders to your writting but it might also turn off some people. Warning about the new age stuff though there are a lot of people that are into it and it might turn off some people if you make fun of Pagans.
THOTHGUARD51 reviewed Version 1 -
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A few observations…
1…It was some small comfort that they had not been killed out of hand and that they were not chained.
I might reverse this, as not being chained sounds like an after thought by the writer. Something like this…
It was of some small comfort that they were not chained, nor tortured or killed outright.
Its also less wordy.
2…POV…there’s many places where I am confused on whose POV the story is being told from. Part of the problem is that you have so many characters, that its hard to keep together on knowing who’s pov we are in at any one time without direction.
Look at this example…its the opening paragraph after your first transition. The problem is, at the transition, you do not make it clear who’s POV is telling the story here…Kharoon, Tricky, or Brother Michael.
The shaman ushered in two of the huge lizards, and issued commands. One collected the Goblin and pushed it with the others. Then they were herded from the prison cave and marched towards the drumming under the watchful escort. The Priests walked together first, followed by Thom Corn and Jim with Tricky a step behind. As for the Goblin, it shrunk back with Manon whom it seemed to regard as the safest of the humans. It was silent and withdrawn, though its eyes quested about nervously.
Who is telling me …the shaman…Kharoon, is not because he would not think of himself as…the shaman. Tricky or Brother Micheal? Unsure, you don’t show who is observing this. Is it one of the other previous characters introduced prior to the transition? Again…unsure, so to me the reader its the dreaded…unseen narrator, meaning, your writing in Passive Voice storytelling instead of the preferred Active Voice storytelling.
You have a lot going on for you here, but from my experience with agents, editor and publishers, your going to have to do alot of cleaning up before submitting.
Suggestion…Your writing in 3rd person omniscient…but that does not mean that the unseen god like narrator that knows everything should be constantly standing in the way of your characters telling the story. This god like narrator should come in at transitions, or openings and then disappear. Agents want a story told from someones POV, consistently, because that is what draws a reader in and keeps them turning pages.
I hope this helps. Right now POV and Show vs Tell seems to be the biggest issues.
Nick.
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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In line with your notes, I think you do a good job of introducing customs. You show the reader several incomprehensible ones, and slowly let the us in on social structure, which would be information the humans naturally would want to know. Others, like spitting, are shown without explanation, but we get a sense of when this behaviour is “appropriate”.
Your description of the place and of things is good, enough but not too much. Your description of the action is less good, often straying into “telling”. Your prose is light and straightforward enough to maintain a moderate pace. I didn’t want to stop reading and skip ahead. At the same time, the lack of “showing” around action often holds the pace back. More than that, it definitely reduces engagement. I really don’t have an idea of any character as a protagonist, but none of the characters are really developed beyond “extras”. We need to get a taste of who these people actually are, not just what they do.
You are consistent as far as I see, and I’ve noted typos, mechanical problems, and poorly structured clauses below.
Not that that really mattered in their current predicament but it somehow helped the Thanemen to keep sight of the familiar. _ – This is “telling”, and doing so from the standpoint of “the storyteller” who makes comments _about the characters without involvement.
_three caves where they had dumped the Goblin and which served as their urinal, and _ – Parenthetic phrase; You need a comma after “caves”.
_nothing to be ‘ad from ‘it,” _ – delete the apostrophe before “it”.
_pulled apart by a greater lizard _ – I’ve noted you have “small lizards” and “great lizards”. Is this a third category?
You do a lot of peculiar inverting of ordinary word order.
_He had of course abstained himself _ – “himself abstained from”
_blink of violet inhuman eyes _ – “inhuman violet eyes”
_The others, one by one waded into the pool _ – “The others waded one-by-one into..”
_Kharoon explained it to them in its implacable slow manner until they understood that Tricky was challenged to fight to the death for his honour with the shaman Dan-oo. The Priests protested against the idea of such barbarity, _ – this section is OK, it flows, but it is all “telling”. It is an opportunity you could take to “show”. Also, why do you call the Shaman “Dan-oo” here, and “Dannu” from here on? “Shaman” should be capitalised if it is a title
_They came for Tricky an hour later and Kharoon said that one other must accompany him. Jim volunteered, more out of curiosity than any attachment to the nasturian. The pair were taken to the _ – again, this is a lot of; “and this happened and then that happened”. You lose engagement with too much of this.
_Tricky, too was no slouch, _ – “Tricky, too, was…”
_others guard _ – “other’s guard”
_Yet, for reasons maybe of fear or because the miserable creature wanted it or for another reason that even he was unsure of, the thrust never came and instead Tricky punched the shaman unconscious and stood up. _ – Very awkward phrasing. You need to restructure it something like this: _Yet, maybe from fear or perhaps because the miserable creature wanted it, possibly for another reason that even he was unsure of, the thrust never came: instead Tricky punched the shaman unconscious and stood up. _ – You can equally eliminate the colon and make it two sentences. “Yet” could have been left off.
_believe he thinks you stink?!” _ – drop the question-mark.
_inside one small lizard sat there with its short tail curled below it, _ – you need a comma after inside. Nothing you mention is inside the lizard. Eliminating “there” in “say there” makes the text flow better.
_at ease and to Manons eye seemed to be watching eachother. _ – comma after “ease”, “Manon’s”, and “each other”.
Their reaction was… – The subject of your preceding sentence was Dannu. “Their” is undefined, as is “them” in the previous sentence. I guess it is “the humans” but you need to say.
_by three others, in green mantles and two large lizards _ – watch your commas! The others are not wearing mantles and lizards. _by three others in green mantles, and two large lizards _
_placing before them what at first seemed a pile of leaves onto the floor _ – Awkward. You could leave out “onto the floor” or restructure: _placing before them on the floor, what at first seemed a pile of leaves, _
_their society appeared organized into _ – “to be organised into” or “society was organised into”
_he did gather from them, as far he could judge, some information from them that seemed more useful. _ – strange structure. Move “as far as he could judge” to the point between “that” and “seemed useful”.
_whatever purpose it was they were being held prisoner for. _ – leave out the final “for”
_to think more impurer thoughts, _ – “to think impure thoughts”, but that usually holds a sexual connotation I don’t believe you mean.
_now he spoke of his thoughts aloud _ – “spoke his thought aloud.”
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