Poetry / Secret Love Affair

Your poem has potential I must say much of it is bit too abstract as to be useful for me. The entire first stanza in an indulgence and it just dangles you don’t quite connect it to the rest of the poem in a meaningful way. You come close as you draw together that phrase with the oblivious people throughout the poem but that is a very thin thread and does not support further illumination or wonder on the part of the reader because you don’t build any further connections.

You also spend too much ink on the reflexive, you know the snake eating its tail kind of phrase? The juxtaposition of two points. Questions that answer themselves. Yin Yang…

People wait to hear the comment
People wait to hear the answer

People wait to hear the question
People wait to hear the answer

It is ok to does this but it must amount to something by the end of the poem. There has to be movement, all that said I’m still with you until the next to last stanza when you say

The girl dies of a secretful broken heart
The boy sits there still confused
The people laugh and scream

All poem long these “people” have been pretty sedated why would they laugh and scream? Yes I know we can see that these people have been watching this little saga play out but then one must ask how would they know what’s going on?  How did the secret come out of the hole? Its okay for them to laugh and scream but a connection must be made to the why on some level. Also the line is just out of off place in the poem in my opinion. So what to do? I have a few ideas but they are not important this poem is interesting and promising and has a rhythm to it. Not a bad start.

Keep at it for sure

U.P.

This has emotion and hurt behind it, but needs some work to be the powerful piece that it could be. Work on taking out the words that are repeated again and again. “The” “people” “girl” “boy” all could have other words substituted to give it more  life, expression, and a better flow. Good start.

Why do all these people care and know so much if this is a secret love affair? The first stanza doesn’t draw the reader in, and disappeared is spelled wrong. What are those three things and what do they mean? What comment? What answer? To What? Nothing is ever told or revealed in this poem. Hearts’ needs an apostrophe throughout if it’s plural, heart’s if it’s singular. No such word as secretful.

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December 03, 2007

by _Marybeth_

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Hmm…this is very hard to explain, I wrote this poem awhile ago. Hmm..how to explain.
The people in this poem are astonished that others know about there relationship, and they are asking questions to how they all know of it, and they are waiting for the asnwer.
I know I have some spelling errors, and I do in a lot of my work, but I dont mean to, I should have known better to either proof read my work, or to spell check it. Thank you for the review.
Also the word secretful…I sometimes like to make up words. I think it adds uniqueness to my work.

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