Poetry / The Human Explains

Writer of Bold, Dark & Pleasing Evil Visions,

What I got sublime,
In the End,
Nature distressed and sweating at hand & ax combine.

Executioner: I tremulous to defend,
Pray I not to fall into your rhyme in time,
Or sharp dark humor win I and shortly to darkness descend…

very respectfully,

- strangepeade

this is a great poem minus the content (lines 11 – 16).  the theme is a good one.  but the things the old tree wanted to know about are too contrived (lines 11 – 16).  i would have chosen something more relative to what the new dog can teach the old one.
as far as the old tree asking you to explain affection?  perhaps that is something the old tree should be teaching you, being that you chopped her down.  

This is on the way to becomming a good poem.
I think that the tree should not aske about affection.  Firstly, it is less interesting than the other two because it is an abstraction.  Secondly, you don’t explain it like you do the other two, probably because it is an abstraction.  I think if you are going to keep it – you should give it some clever explanation like you give the other two.
I think you should get rid of all the punctuation besides the periods.  The couplets are doing enough for you in the breathing department, and the dashes and commas are a little distracting.
Lastly, the ending comes a little abruptly.  I think maybe there could be an additonal couplet that gives a little resolution.
Good luck!

I love this piece. Very simple and to the point but it leaves a lot of room for thought and interpretation as well. The only suggestion I have is that the “&” is odd and a little out of place here. The end is a real kick in the head.

i like the facat that it flows so easily. it made me laugh at the end and it was very interesting over all…makes me think alot.

Ah, but when you’re lying down you don’t have a lap. It’s fun and cute but if you chopped it down how is it that you came to be either sitting or lying down? I’m such a realist and of course this is surreal in a way. But your explanations aren’t clear enough for a stranger to understand, the next obvious question is what’s mentality? And what is would he know about and actually what is squalid resin? Hmmm… I see what you’re up to but as yet I don’t this it’s quite there.

I think this is quite original and interesting.  I can see it being something that someone might want to publish if you take it to the next level with a revision.

So, what to revise?  The core is fine, so nothing fundamental.  I think though this feels like a puzzle with some rather large pieces missing.  Why only ‘electronics’, ‘vomiting’, and ‘affection’?  I mean, I have no problem with a tree being curious about anything really, once you anthropomorphize it.  But why that combination?  The lack of a common thread compromises the unity of the piece, thus making it weak.  You can fix it by picking three things that relate more clearly to your ultimate purpose, by explaining somehow that these three things DO in fact relate to some otherwise unclear purpose, or by adding more things that the tree might be curious.  Subjectively, I wouldn’t mind a longer poem as I like the way you treat it, but obviously that’s just me.

Some minor points with language that tripped me up.  ’vomiting.  it’s like squalid resin save the sounds’ is backwards as you write it.  ’but with sounds’ or something like that makes sense.  Also, first the tree’s in your lap (ouch, btw) and then you’re laying down together with no transition.

Finally, the big question is unanswered overtly, and unless I’m missing something isn’t even suggested or implied…  that is, what is the tree and why did you cut it down?  I think we need to know more about that for this poem to really take wings.

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May 20, 2007

by kasperkruse

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26	M	Denmark	September 19

You give the best criticism ever! Let me get back
to you once I’ve thought your points through.

Thank you.

May 20, 2007

by ParticoRomulus

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40	M	United States	December 02

Thanks!  I try, and don’t always succeed.  I wouldn’t write so much if I thought the piece wasn’t good and worth the effort.

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