Thanks for the review. I appreciate your comments on what you liked & why. Most of the time I am not so forthright in my wording, but for this poem … it’s what I wanted. I’m glad that it is coming across the way I had hoped! Thanks again!
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Poetry / Counting on us
When we came together, collectively we owned …
3 bookcases, 1 discarded patio table, with matching chair
A coffee table, who having seen better days
Masqueraded as a headboard for the sheets & blankets
That composed our first tentative bed.
We spent those early autumn months
Softly cushioned by carpet and pillow
Our bodies sprawled out … harem style
Now, 3 couches and 2 children later
I still want you, like some people want yesterday
Thinking that rewind would somehow result
In a tummy tuck and a tight ass, today
They want to redo or undo …
I just want to do … you
Even though the bills are piling up
And sometimes I think the future won’t ever come
So, as we trade in diapers for pull ups
I know we own tomorrow, today
We have a family unmarked by hostility
Every smile, every sunlit laugh, every caress
Holds a value immeasurable …
You can’t buy what we have with soiled pennies.
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sous_lepontmirabeau reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, there’s a lot of potential here. A little bit of work and this could be an awesome poem.
I love the first stanza. I think it’s nearly perfect. I love “our bodies sprawled out…harem style.” What great imagery!
I’m not as comfortable with the second and third parts of the poem. I love the line “I still want you, like some people want yesterday” but then the seriousness of the poem drops with the line “I just want to do…you.” You don’t need to say “I want to do you” to get the feeling of desire across – show it through some descriptive imagery instead of saying it outright.
The third part is okay, I just feel like it lacks the emotion of the rest of the poem. Maybe it’s because the statements are so general, or maybe I’m just being too picky today.
Overall, this is really great. I felt absorbed by the poem. Nice job!
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UnlikelyEvangelist reviewed Version 1 -
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The ending line is really the line that does it for me in this poem. It’s so true. This is one of those poems, for me, that I feel needs to be what it is. Sometimes I am put off by outright saying something.. for example, tummy tuck. Most likely I would have said that in another way… but with this poem, with what the point is, I feel it is perfect. I think you’re trying to be real and honest and I like the way you fought the urge that so many writers succumb to; flowery language everywhere. I hope your family remains unblemished! keep the faith and it will.
desrever reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this poem. In a few short stanzas you have encaptured the magic of a truly loving partnership through their small accumulations that form the foundation for their unseen (but quickly coming) future.
You truly are growing into a very good poet and I can’t wait to read the next one!
(and, yes, the drop of the piggy bank line does wonders for the ending) :)
VivianGirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this because you have given the reader so much to sink his or her teeth into.
First of all, I think the content is extrememely relevant, and will resonate with a large audience.
I like that you add little details like the belongings you owned when you came together.
My only criticism is that the last few lines get a little redundant as far as the value/worth of the relationship. I think you should go for a less is more approach at the very end.
Other than that very well done.
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