Poetry / Poor Man's Television

I really like the theme of this piece—I believe it. I can tell it is real and that you feel it. There’s a catharsis here that I want to feel myself, in my life, at times.

However, I’m left wanting a few pieces that I don’t have, and that it doesn’t seem to make sense without:
1) Who is Ada? A lover? A sister? a friend?
2) What is the collapse? A divorce? A death? Financial ruin?
3) Nametag? Him? This line doesn’t make sense to me at all and it completely halts what I’m feeling about the rest of the poem.

In all, although you start me down an emotional path, you lose me and don’t bring me back without making some sense of the story.

I hope this helps.

im confused, you start off writing about a poor mans television(a fire) but then you write about a move that’s worth them burning everything. im lost on why they had to move, there was no suddle hints about if they were escaping something/someone.  i did really enjoy the creative angle you took on fire, very original and the list, but on the list try to not just blatently say it as it is.(7) your first two goals are the same thing, and ranking something 4 times can get a little annoying.

I like the tone and the images of this piece. Here are some comments for possible improvements (number = stanza):

0) The title I think needs to be changed. I don’t think “television” is important at all to the rest of the poem, you having mentioned it only in the first stanza, never again to refer to it, and “poor” seemed arbitrary in the poem, or at best, unexplained, thereby not permitting the readers to care.

1) Having said that, I DO like the idea, and I was thinking that you were going to go a direction that you didn’t. The question I’d ask is, if poorness is a connotation of something undesirable, are you correlating “fire” with a downgraded television? I’d have to say, just on a social/thematic level, I disagree that fire is less desirable than television, if you can even make a case for their likeness.

2, 3, 4) “archive of our collapse” is a bit cheesy/melodramatic, to be honest. I really liked the potential of the images in s3 and s4. I wished they elaborated on the “collapse” on the story behind this poverty, if, I suppose the family was poor.

5) “Him” is a new character that comes out of nowhere that I think needs to be explained a bit more. Also, the second line doesn’t really end. What did you “get”?

6) It’s interesting why you refer to the burning of things familiar as ‘secrets on a stranger’s tongue.’ The bus ticket seems to be more of a secret, in terms of destination, or what experiences await the characters. Maybe I’m missing a point.

The poem seems loose, but I think it’s got the parts sufficient to answer some of the questions that I suggested. Good luck. =)

this is a wonderful piece.  i can only make very minor suggestions.  first, and most important, i think you can come up with a better title.  i like the title, the problem though is that it really takes away from the power of that line, especially since it comes so quickly after the title.  The next to last stanza is also vague and confusing, but the rest of the poem is so good, i’m going to say maybe you get away with it, though at least it’s something to think about.

other than that, I wish the stanzas were more uniform, or at least symetrical, but I can’t really see any way to readily change it.  you’d probably have to make one line “so here we are, watching family pictures,” write a stanza around combustion and insert it after the Springsteen posters.  that would bracket the poem in tercets and have the rest be couplets.  At the very least I would move “so here we are” to the beginning of the next stanza; it works better as an opening than a closing.    

One last thing, I’d make the punctuation after 90’s a dash.  I know this is all technical stuff, but this poem is 95% there, and just needs a few tiny adjustments.  

I do believe I missed the first go-’round of this.

I would burn Bruce posters, as well.

This is nice – well put together, so good job.

Stanza 5 ‘got’ – Um. What? As in, the one summer you had? This is vague, in a too-vague kinda way. Because it felt like summer, for once? Or you got a vacation, for once? Or you were together, for once? Or you missed a word and there should be a noun? Or what?

That’s it. Go Team You.

Love, love.

First off I am not fond of all those goals, who really knows? There is something in this poem but it is unfinished or too sparse. And if the title is such I don’t think you need it repeated in the second line, or perhaps change the title for it’s not about that, it’s about loss. Did you really burn all the family photos? How sad. S5 makes little sense with a period at the end. Is it supposed to flow into S6? And to end on got, such an ugly word, bought would be so much better. And who was the name tag for and why? Something about ruby secrets (ruby slippers) seems way too familiar and says little. I like what you’re attempting to do though, keep at it!

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June 03, 2007

by kasperkruse

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The goals? ha ha, yeah, you’re right… that’s a strange feature of this site, ain’t it?

Anyway, thank you for the critique. First off, I agree that loss is a theme in the poem, but the main theme is more about starting new, which is why I’ll keep the title as it is: a symbol of rebirth through destruction, burning away the traces of a cruel past.

You should read the family photos alongside the nametag, to give it some meaning. I’m not into giving away everything, I think there needs to be room for the reader to read himself/herself into the poem, which is why ambiguity – in my book of poetic consciousness – is worth pursuing.

I’ll take into regard the punctuation-remarks, I always seem to kill the reading of my poems by extensive punctuation :-(

June 03, 2007

by Willow_Wren

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Then if you keep the title, the use of the title in the second line is truly redundant and not necessary there, it doesn’t quite work somehow and needs a better way to be said. I noticed many people have mentioned this to you, are you so wedded to this inclusion? Like the poem though, keep at it.

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This is really good but it feels unfinished.  I hate it when people say that to me, but seriously – at the end of this piece I don’t feel satisfied.

In the first stanza, the repetition of “in the backyard” is unecessary.  It does nothing for the piece, it is only distracting.

I really like the formatting and the specifics (ada, bruce springstein etc.) but I think that the punctuation looks weird and is tripping me up.  I think your line breaks do enough, and you should do away with all the punctuation except the necessary pieces (like periods and essential commas).

A way to make it longer and more resolved would be to talk about those bus tickets.  Where are you going?

I have watched many such televisions at the lake or in the mountains but never with the same feelings you’ve brought here.  I wondered at the entertainment value of watching one’s past combust.  I wish I knew what you were trying to say, especially that last remark about the bus tickets.

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May 20, 2007

by kasperkruse

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The bus tickets, hopefully, imply an escape, a
movement away from status quo.

May 21, 2007

by wulfenstraat

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Excellent.

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I really liked this poem. The fact that it was short yet contained a lot of personal experience, really shows your strength in picking the perfect words to express yourself. It leaves me wondering why the bus tickets were saved and what happened to bring yall to the point of burning your past together, and not simply throwing it away. Great job on making the reader think long after the poem has finished.

-kry.