she is going to kill herself, and choose derby to be the one to find her… next chapter. Does that help the plot? the different character point of views will be done by their reaction to her suicide
Novel Treatments / The Gods of Rockwell chap 2
Susanna opened the medicine cabinet’s three mirrors just enough to be able to look at herself without making direct eye contact. She tugged at her skin, ran her finger down her profile, pushed her eyebrows up to produce wrinkles on her forehead, and caught a glance at her reflection in the mirror hung behind her. She moved her shoulders and noticed the various ways the bones jutted out, until her eyes finally met her own. Her hands grasped the cornered edges of the sink; leaning down so forcefully her hands became speckled like the marble. Only her eyes shifted to follow the endless reflections of the two mirrors within each other. The bathroom was polished clean, every corner, every tile, even all the cabinet’s contents. She had cleaned the whole apartment meticulously over the past four weeks while Jacob was at school. Everything was organized, and categorized.
The home’s inventory was catalogued into two drawers of a metal file cabinet;
almost every page had drops of her desperate tears. This was done while Jacob slept. In
the early morning hours, from about three to seven, she wrote everything she thought he
would get to learn from her, if she never killed herself, or had never gone mad. It was in
those hours that she ordered the contents of her mind, remembering the knowledge of her
abandoned past, of her first reality. She saw the world’s treasures that was worthy of her precious Jacob. She remembered her ideals for success and what rewards hard work can get you. Relived her past romances with boys that really knew of her inner beauty, and her intellectual vivacity. She articulated that inner beauty, and knowledge for Jacob into letters, and a book of life textbook. There were cites of every piece of literature, every movie, every person, every song, every piece of art, every part of the environment of her life that had revealed the beauty of life to her.
Her theory was that this was all she had to offer Jacob. There was no chance of
her living out a life with the ideals she had come to see as true, but he still could.
She would proudly smile when she sat to write her insights on life, , knowing that she was in fact meant to have her child. It was clear to her that he was on the path to greatness, and would be even after she was gone. Knowing how most heroes have their turbulence before landing on enlightenment, she provided guides for how to cope with addiction, illness, and death.
She practically made a new religion for him by taking the fundamental codes, and
philosophies for good character from Protestant, Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Islamic,
Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan, and Amish traditions. For his college years, there was an
anthology of critiques of philosophers throughout history that she had taken the liberty of
verifying in accuracy. She made a pamphlet for each of her greatest heroes, each filled
with a brief biography, quotes, and anecdotes of their lives. She wrote about how he
should treat all women, and the women he falls in love with, suggesting for him to take
on a Humphrey Bogart persona while remaining true to his own. The first book she had him read was Robinson Crusoe, just as Rousseau recommended, and now Jacob will have to realize that he was always in this life completely alone. The first page of the textbook read, “Read Robinson Crusoe again.”
By seven she would feel sane again. She would wake Jacob with music, and thoughtfully choose what their theme song would be that day. Her hips and head would sway as she made her coffee, and his French toast. She would sing along loudly to the parts she knew, and hummed the parts she didn’t. Sometimes it was the Beach Boys, on rainy days- Billy Holiday, Bob Dylan and Tom Petty were frequent, and Jacob secretly knew the words to almost every Madonna song. Jacob would shuffle into the kitchen with a head of hair half flattened. He’d sit at the kitchen table half asleep, and announce that he would rather eat without her music act. She’d unfasten his hair into chaos, and sit with her elbows propped on the table holding her mug halfway to her face.
She’d wait the ten minutes out that he always needed to shake off his morning
grumpiness by cooling the coffee, and watching his mannerisms. He always ate in cycles.
For breakfast he’d drink a fourth of the orange juice, then half a piece of French toast,
and repeated that until he was done every morning. She asked him last week why he did
this, and he didn’t even realize he did it. She wondered while standing in the bathroom
about who would notice his quirks like she did. Maybe he was right to say it was stupid to even bring up when she called him out on it again the following night at dinner.
Their morning conversations had recently been about the girl in his school he was
trying to court. They would go over the plan of the day of what thoughtful gesture of
affection he would bestow on her, and what the slickest timing would be to do so. He’d
conjure up worst-case scenarios, and Susanna would come up with emergency plan Bs.
There would be a brief recap of his actual progress in school, but there were never
upsetting surprises with Jacob’s grades. Susanna home-schooled Jacob on everything she felt he should learn, and relied on school to teach him how to be social. She would even do his homework sometimes if she felt he wasn’t going to get anything out of it, and assigned him to do something different instead.
They’d drive to school in silence, he’d skimmed through a comic book, and she’d listen to classical music set at a modest volume, feeling the breeze of their small town, frequently scented with freshly cut grass. From the slam of his door outside of St. Mary’s Elementary School, her mood began to shift back into darkness. She would drive past the houses of people she had just a few minutes ago thought of as living the dream life, believing that they were all zombies. A man mowing his lawn last week waved to her, and she rolled her eyes at him while gripping on the steering wheel tight enough to prevent her middle finger from jotting up to him. It wasn’t that she forgot he was a working-class father of three children, which used his free time to tend to the house he slaved at work for. She just added him up differently on the way back from dropping Jacob off than she did on the way there.
On the way back, she thought about how one of his daughters idolizes the older one who is a religiously devote follower of the teaching of Paris Hilton. She thought about how his son told Jacob one day that his mom and dad never talk to each other because his mom was so boring. She thought about his glossed over beady eyes held at a fixed stare on her chest at last years Christmas party. She thought about all the extra time his wife devotes to PTA activities, like the school pageant her two daughters had the duet in, and every other student wanted to be exempt from. She would get to the house filled with rage of town’s unfulfilled potential, or lack there of, and clean until the rage turned to sadness. The sadness would lead her to the conclusion of suicide that became less vague with each passing day, and eventually her one true fate.
She closed the mirror doors, and scribbled on a post-it;
“ Death is an abrupt reminder to the living that they are truly alone. The
realization, and acceptance of this can get anyone through anything.”
She stuck the note on the mirror, and wished she had something more dignified to
leave her last words on. She walked down the hall to Jacob’s room , which did not yet have signs hung on the door telling her to stay out. Inside were posters hung on the walls overlapping each other, and model airplanes and spaceships hanging from the ceiling. He already had so much individuality. She counted his heroes; Jimmy Hendrix, Einstein, Jackie Robinson, Abraham Lincoln, Picasso, Van Gogh… She held up pictures of him and her at the Grand Canyon, on the porch playing chess, of Minerva and him painting, of his friends attempting to be a band in the basement… She sat on the bed he made that morning, and began to cry, and then sob with hiccupping breaths. The guilt had begun to terminate her plans to kill herself. She could not go through with it, and decided she should go buy groceries for dinner.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The home’s inventory was … I would drop this part of the line. It clogs up the narrators voice. Everything was organized, and categorized into two drawers.. etc.. would work better. I like your concept for this novel, but be careful not to tell the reader how to feel, let the reader fall into the story. Check this out: In the early morning hours, from about three to seven, she wrote everything she thought, hoping he would learn from her … and leave off the rest of that sentence. Are you starting to see what I am showing you? Go through this and tighten it up. Do not be afraid to revise, revise, revise.
- add/view comments (0)
Lunsford reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I read this all the way through thinking it was leading up to something but it ended. It was well written though. I didn’t understand exactly what she was supposed to be feeling.
It talked about the possesive way she felt about Jacob and the dislike she had for what I assumed was her neighbor.
She stuck the note on the mirror, and wished she had something more dignified to leave her last words on. ..... She was getting ready at this point to kill herself, but lost her nerve. Now I have to read the next post to find out more. Shame on you. :)
The writing is very good and you’ve established Susanna’s character very well. I suppose we’ll meet another character in the next post as your notes said you were going to write a chapter on each one. I’ll be waiting. Good job.
Owl_Light reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your plot is rather thin. Woman changes mind about killing herself.
The writing would be better if you told the reader what traumatic events had taken place to cause her introverted behaviour, and then explained why her mind was changed.
Do you mean to have each chapter told by a different character? I’m informed that this is not the way to get the reader to sympathise with your characters.
Easy to follow style. Well done.
Trent reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I can see a potential story stemming from this chapter. Your thoughts are there in regard to the mother, Jacob, and some of the background lives that help mold their own lives. However, this chapter reads like a backstory rather than as a part of something. I would suggest more depth, dialogue, and devices to further bring the reader into this world you have created.
Your writing style is there. I only found a couple of edits for your correction. Flush this story out then rewrite this particular chapter as it fits into the whole of your concept. Good job and keep writing.
Edits:
She thought about his glossed over beady eyes held at a fixed stare on her chest at last years Christmas party. (Fix this sentence)
Death is an abrupt reminder to the living that they are truly alone. The
realization, and acceptance of this can get anyone through anything
(Though this is ment to be poignant, it is actually contradictory. How can the acceptance that every individual living is alone be healing and not further perpetuating a cynical view on life?)
eternityxeight reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I liked it but it leaves you wanting to know the other characters. Maybe if you could tell a story from each persons point of view changing instead of just describing different characters each chapter. You have a lot of talent, so just keep trying and working on it. I’m sure you’ll get somewhere with it.
Odidolypop reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
i think the paragraphs are quite chunky. Maybe shorten them a little to make it easier to read.
i really love the characters you’ve created, they’re fascinating. It makes me ask all types of questions like “How did she become this way?” You’ve written the characters well the reader forms a bond with them. I feel sympathy for Susanna and am very curious as to what is going to happen!
I cant think of nething else negetive to say!
berzerkkenobi reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
well written, your first line is rather confusing though. And I’d put time in actual time style ex: 7:00 for saneness. I like the details, but I feel you can always use more. 9 for talent but could use a little fixing for flow. Good though.
Kae reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
All I have to say is: damn. I’m not sure where this story is going, but it’s getting there well. I’m VERY interested in seeing this continued. You set the characters out in an interesting light. You bring up interesting ideas and concepts. It’s an excellent piece overall.
There are a few places where it gets a little confusing; you might work on the flow. However, that seems to reflect Susanna’s state of mind. So long as that’s the intent, it doesn’t take away from the story, though you may still want to do some editing regarding that: keeping it somewhat muttled and chaotic, but without creating too much confusion.
Keep up the good work, this story definitely has potential and so does your writing.
emstjames reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The good premise is there, but the work needs polishing. It needs to be broken into better paragraphs and tightened a bit. Please don’t take this as a harsh critique. In general you’ve got it working and I would like to see it get to the next point.
There are a few grammatical things like:
EXISTING:
It wasn’t that she forgot he was a working-class father of three children, which used his free time to tend to the house he slaved at work for.
SUGGESTION:
It wasn’t that she forgot he was a working-class father of three children, who probably slaved at work just to have the house and then used all of his free time to tend to it.
One other thing, at first I thought Jacob was a lover or a husband, then I figured he was her child, swung back to the husband/lover and wound up realizing I was right about the child. Was this intentional? If so it was quite clever…the child who takes the place of the lover.
Awake_At_Last reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your words flow so beautifully. Susannah reminds me very much of my Mother, who suffers from addiction and a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder. At times in my life, I have been her whole world. She has told me that I was the only thing in her life worth living for. I never fully understood it until I read your work, which tackles it from the opposite perspective. I can’t wait to read more. The only “advice” I would offer is that you find an alternative for the word “court” in the sentence: “Their morning conversations had recently been about the girl in his school he was trying to court.” Such a word is a bit old-fashioned in a story which makes reference to Paris Hilton. Please keep writing. You have listed as a goal to “Have a talent worth shaping.” As I see it, you’ve already accomplished that. Never stop!
Showing 1 - 10 of 23
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 7 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
