Haiku/Senryu / Untitled Haiku #4

Sounded like a machine reported these events. You could rewrite this one and experiment at letting it flow more naturally.
Example:
Dirt clung to my skin
as I biked through a forest
where grouse called from ferns

The author sounds like an “adventurer” Concrete visual weeping willows and peaceful prarie until that loud sqwawk of grouse reminds me of a certain inlaw I can easily relate to this Enjoyable read

I’ve never been any good at Haiku and I respect people who can write it.
A very simple but vivid image.

Regards

JEDoherty

This describe  a nice day of bike riding. However the flow is choppy and mechanical to do justice to the visual image I feel your trying to project.

Nice visual. I smelled it and felt it.
Good choice of words. Good.

Good work it has alot of nice imagery that really transports you to the setting.  

Very good…it follows the 5-7-5 format well. However, I’m not really that happy that your missing some words. I wish that you could add a “the” in a couple places, but then that takes away from the sturcture. In your next Haiku, consider using more complete thoughts. But still, wonderful, it made me think of biking in the mountians, and I was instantly relaxed.

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May 17, 2007

by ParticoRomulus

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thanks.  adding ‘the’...  a subjective matter of style really.  i don’t use too many articles even in my free verse, though i’ll be the first to admit i take it too far sometimes.

as for ‘complete thoughts’, i’m primarily trying to evoke moments in this and my other haiku (and i’m new to the form as a writer.)  biking in the mountains is exactly what i was going for, so there you go!

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