Poetry / Shallow
I wish you could be a runaway through a flow of my breath.
To forge our hands
and settle where no one commands.
To be out of your border
out of the chameleon phalange
that drained the old familiarity for the taste of façade.
Secret destroyers that held you to the flames
and made you swallow queen pills
to enfold you in such a sad regret.
You slave for greedy flights,
to the hopeless blissful places you like to taste
And close the eyes to the wasteland we once kissed,
of cracked oaks falling pestilent leafs.
Soon there will be no alibis to hire
no inventory to dissolve the dark days
as it will invade your nostrils like the filth of tomorrow
you will fall, little shallow bride.
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You absolutely have to put punctuation into your work. It’s so fundamental, it’s so necessary. You have to guide the reader, as you are the creator, so do it. Guide your reader with punctuation. It shows how you intend your work to be read, natural pauses only go so far.
Capitolizing the first letter of every line makes every line a new sentence, which does not work.
I’d really work on your flow. Find a way (perhaps just through line breaks) to really pull the reader through the piece. Your line breaks are wicked everywhere. I also recommend concentration on saying what you mean. Write down what you intend to show, then make it pretty. A lot of this is jibberish to me, for the sake of sounding cool.
Love, love.
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