Poetry / Mortality to Eternity

Our love,
the birth of divine tragedy
of unknown forces that made us so far in touch,
but so close in heart.

I wonder if your kisses cut like razors
if the glow of your eyes will crumble me
or if your touch entwines for reckless woes,
making the Sun die in cascade.

Heart aches and moonlight hopes
sleepless nights and the mutual oak
and all for the sprinkles of your desire,
for the compassion I got addicted.

Let’s change mortality to eternity
and be forever in our minute
like legendary lovers never written before.

And nothing will be denied,
the undying moon or the petals of midnight orchids,
not even the wildest fly.

We’ll inhale the four seasons,
and watch the stars collide,
as we hold hands in the end of the world.

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Reviews

June 02, 2007

Willow_Wren

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
2311	80.2% (744 votes)	28.9%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
62	F	Germantown, NY	January 08

Willow_Wren reviewed Version 3 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is lovely in a way yet there are some contradictions and confusions here and there, so I’m not sure if the two have been together or not, is it longing or is it actual? S1L2 is a bit trite and overused, but L3 in the same stanza is confusing and could be read several ways. “made us so far in touch?” Hard to decipher that.
L1S2 makes me think you have never kissed her before, and why would you suspect it would feel like razors? That whole stanza puts such a negative slant on what she can do to you, why? And yet in S3 you say you are addicted to her which implies you’ve been together. S4 reiterates the same, that you are a couple and desire more time together. So which is it? Unrequited love or a deep ongoing relationship? That is what most confuses me.

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May 15, 2007

tia_logic

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
763	88.9% (432 votes)	61.4%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	F	United States	January 08

tia_logic reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

wreckless woes—typo, I believe. Do you mean wreckless? As in free of wrecks, like auto crashes? Or do you mean reckless, as in not considering the consequences of action?

The last sentence of the third stanza is not a complete thought.

Stanza 4 – our minute.. This minute, maybe? It seems like it should be more decisive, to me.

So, the beginning of this talks about how you’re ‘far in touch’ and you talk about wondering about said touch later, and at the end you talk about holding hands. This catches me, as it felt like you were setting it up to be one of those achey-we’ll-never-be kinda things. If you’re trying to set the last stanza up as a ‘in-a-perfect-world’ kida deal, I think you should set it up a little more in the mortality/eternity stanza. I understand that’s what you’re aiming for, but I’d diction-ize it a bit more. Using future continuous tense all the way through those stanzas might be enough.

Love, love.