Poetry / time capsule (eargasm)

I like this for the most part, it’s clever and sweet, erotic and interesting. There are some places that could use some fine tuning here and there, line breaks could use some adjustments, S1L4 might be better said “as my breath swept sweet little somethings…” a little cleaner perhaps. L6 break after ‘canals.’ How do cochlea unravel secrets of her universe? A stretch there. S3L1 is awkward, what do you mean? It sounds as if you already love her. And as she loves herself? Big assumption. Oh, take out goddamn in this poem, it just doesn’t seem to belong in here. Last stanza begins anew with a whisper but so does S1 and they don’t relate or tie together…reads as though you hadn’t used whisper before, but otherwise great job!

This is beautiful. This is so very well written.

Stanza three catches me. I don’t have much knowledge (read:intrest) in anvils, so the stirrup bit is odd for me – though I really like the image of the rest.

I also get caught b/c I’m trying to decide if you’re inside or outside of head. I get several images – looking into eyes, out from eyes, into ears (like cartoons or children’s beliefs) but none of those quite work. So.

Love you like you do – a little awkward. I had to re-read it to make sure. That’s not a bad thing, necessarily. I’d consider flopping a word or two, at least. (that is- ‘consider, at least’ not ‘consider at least’ BTW)

This is lovely. Really. Go Team You.

Love, love.

Love, love.