Short Story / Written from a Stranger to a Stranger

This is full of cliches, therefore it comes off as corny and really not good.

You need to show us your feelings, not tell us about them.  

Maybe you need to express this in the form of poetry?

This is not a story. You have no real character, no real conflict, no real resolution, and no real movement.

I would recommend you take this as a basis for a poem.  Take the ideas and express them in a form that is more your style from what you are already written.

Good luck!

It sounds like they are two students in a classroom.  Am I remotely close?

I wish I could have had more.  It wasn’t long enough to go in to enough detail.  It’s intriguing though, and I’l like so see more and what goes on with it.  

I like the idea, it’s kind of romantic and slightly angsty at the same time.  However you could expand this greatly… you could describe the situation more, describe the loved person more… you really could describe everything more.  Draw out the moment.  Make it last.  Also – you spelled “frightening” wrong… spell-check is a good tool to use before you submit.

I’d like to read this again, except… longer!!! :)

You have written a very poetic piece but it is a bit unclear as to gender and setting and the situation. Are they in an intimate situation or is he/she admiring from a distance; as you alluded to with the ‘voices’.