It actually works quite well because Jalen is narrating consistantly, and so he often explains himself because he has to think it through in his own language. Not to mention his disregard for authority and sense of humor which makes everything better. Please feel free to read more of my works.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Flag of bones, prologue
The Empire chased me to the very Edge of the “End of the World” only to drag me back to Devil’s Cove in chains to die as a traitor to the Empire I had once served. The captain who had overhauled me stood just out of my line of sight, forced to watch me hang or face the noose himself.
Five others stood beside me, hands bound behind our backs, braids cut short to deny us a resting place among the honored dead. This was to be our last day and then we were damned to the Far-remembered lands with no braid or name, nothing to mark us as honorable men.
If I had held out for two more days I might have made it Beyond the Edge of the map, to the place called the “Forbidden Isles” where men like me could live free without fear of the noose for themselves and their kin.
But I had come back to save my wife. I had dared the unthinkable, I had given the order to drop canvass and made known my intention to sink my own boards, and all this to save my Mirana.
The Captain who overhauled me, a man known as Silvermane, had seen my devotion to my kin and when he understood my wants, he swore on the Deeps that he would leave my wife free.
I and my Blooded crew, my five highest ranking officers, stood together to be hung. And short of Swearing Empire, I could not save them.
“Did I choose wrong?”
“Right or wrong Captain, we are with you.”
“Coram, you have no right to that noose, you know it is your brother’s place and you are not blood-sworn beside.”
“You are my captain but not my master, and beside you are twice blooded, marked and sworn ‘a bones.” He smiled even as he chastised me quietly. “What has a man of bones so blooded and marked as you to argue with a man he does not own. I stand by my choice.”
He was right, I couldn’t command him to stay, nor could I command him to go. But as the hangman droned on, I contemplated asking him to Speak Aye. I knew such would damn him as a traitor to me, but he was the only unblooded ranking member of my boards, and my choice if he should live, to take my ship.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the ice-cold wind, it ran toward the End of the World, the place few would dare but everyone wanted to be. And it was this wind we fought for almost a thirty-day to this place.
But finally my quiet enjoyment of the wind came to an end as the Empire Hangman, a man who, by his voice was old and broken like the ships that lay only a stone’s throw from my feet addressed me. His voice sounded like a loose cannon on the rails, scratchy and cracking.
“Jalen Shenn.”
“Aye.”
“You are this day charged with and found guilty of Treason against the Empire and the Dragons.”
I shrugged, it was a non-committal
shrug. I wouldn’t deny, but nor would I admit.
“Your crimes are too numerous to name in full and so I shall speak them in brief.”
“Thank the Dragons.”
He glared at me. I smiled. I’d been through this once before.
“You are this day charged with Hanging Bones against The Empire, and in furtherance of that act, of killing loyal Empire soldiers sent to bring you to law for your crimes. Furthermore you have stolen and destroyed countless Empire ships.”
“A talon-count at least.” I heard the guard beside me stifle a laugh at my cheek.
“And in so doing have murdered loyal men of the Empire, and numerous other general acts of Piracy including the Casting of dark Magika against others.” He continued over my protestations. “Do you this day renounce or deny any of the crimes I have spoken?”
“I cannot deny I am a man of Bones, to do so is to deny my name and the mark across my back that condemns me to shallows without a trial.” I had to throw that at them, Even my father had been given a trial, but me, I was brought here and sentenced in Absentia.
“I cannot deny or renounce that I did take or destroy Empire property, and that I did set to blades and shallows Empire men who came against me upon my boards. But they set against me in fair combat, and I did bring them low under the Flag of Bones. I do not deny or renounce that I am a Shen; a Pirate blooded and marked, and that these boards and this crew did sail with me under my command.”
I paused a moment to be sure he heard me. “But I do denounce, and heartily deny casting any Magika for or again’ my men. I am Deep Water, and this alone is my word.”
“Your word is heard Captain, and you are this day, along with your crew, your Kin, your family and your friends condemned to be hung as Traitors.”
It was the Hangman’s turn to pause as he waited for any pleas. When I said nothing he continued. “So that you know we are not without heart, if any of those here today, in the noose or not yet brought to hang will renounce, answer Aye, and strike bones, we will have mercy on them.”
Perhaps I was not listening, or perhaps it was that my Thalgiri was not very good, but it took me to about this point to understand that my wife was included in those condemned. My anger burned for a moment and I dared to cry out.
“You lied!” My cry was addressed to the captain who had overhauled me.
“Pardon?”
“Not from me.” Those words amounted to a declaration of War between the Pirates and his ship.
“Your Pardon captain but I fail to see my betrayal.”
“You swore, by deeps that you sought only me. That if I came easy you would spare my wife and child. I held you to your word as a man of the Deeps.”
“I did not know.”
“The edict was written when you swore against.”
“I did not know, on my honor Captain.”
“There is no honor between your blood and mine Silvermane. Your word is but dry sands. I have no braid, but even a freehold knows the Unwritten Code, and they will pay it out if I am brought low.”
The captain shook his head at me. I could see the disbelief and despair. He hadn’t known but the words were said and could not be taken back.
“If it must be.”
“It must.”
I almost laughed at the scene as it must look to the Hangman. A pirate set to be brought low within a few minutes swearing against the blood of the man who brought him to shallows willingly.
I was so angered I didn’t hear the sound that had caused the Hangman to drop silent. It wasn’t until I heard the voice that I understood the delay.
“Belay, hold your ropes.”
“What right do you have?”
“Hangman, command them belay ropes and weapons else you will join the Captain in the noose.”
“Belay.”
I knew the voice of the newcomer but I didn’t recognize it. I couldn’t think of his name but I could hear the commotion. He boarded from behind me, his footsteps heavy with armor. And he carried himself across the deck with sure and even strides.
“Cut them loose.”
That was obviously to one of his men, for I heard lighter steps and words spoken in the Forbidden Tongue. But the ring of steel brought him up short, and me as well. My benefactor’s man had drawn his sword, but so in turn had my guard. Cold steel now tickled the underside of my chin.
“Hold not against my blood.” I heard the guard whisper. I knew only his spoken word forced this of him.
“No dishonor.” I affirmed. I would not speak against him. I would not ask my men to strike him down. Any debt he owed died with me.
“Hangman,” The voice spoke again. “Tell your men to belay or so help me you are brought low with them.”
“Do it.” The hangman croaked our way.
The kid’s hands shook as he held the sword to my neck. By what I saw of him he was young, very young, unblooded, but too afraid to speak against.
“Do what you must.” I fought to keep my voice soft. I was determined not to make it harder on the boy. I could not swear against one held so far against his will.
The blade moved and I closed my eyes, but a moment later I heard the blade clatter to the boards.
“Smart boy.” My benefactor said. “Now, hangman, it is your choice, do you answer or does my man here cut you down?”
“Why do you come?”
“I am sent here with a pardon from the governor of Ilis, signed this day, and it reads for the captain known as Jalen Shen, Captain of the Dragon Wynd and freehold born and bred under Ilis’s banner.”
There was silence for a moment. “Is this the captain called Shen?” Don’t bother to deny the ink on his back tells me it is.”
“Aye, it is Shen, sworn to hang, and all to banner with him.”
“He is pardoned.”
“He is still condemned by Empire.”
“Aye, but it is my Surety that protects him.”
“He will hang.”
I heard a conversation in a language I didn’t understand. Light footsteps retreated and I thought for a moment that my benefactor was cowed.
A moment later though, the steps returned, and then I heard the ring of what I knew to be a sword. “Do you know this blade?”
“No.”
His tone told me this was a lie.
“You are Empire?” There was disgust in his voice. “This blade bears the dark Phaeon, same as this shield, and breastplate ‘an you do not know it?”
“I swear I do not.”
“Then you would swear yourself a liar, and damn yourself to the noose you ready for the captain.”
“Black Phaeon?” I whispered to Coram. I wasn’t sure if I had heard him correctly.
“Aye.”
I had held that sword, I knew then that this was the man I knew only as Hergir, the man who had once bought me from this noose some hundred talon agone.
“This blade and these marks alone give me power to deny even the Edict of the Empire itself. I serve only the Greater Dragons. This blade is Cruce.”
I knew then who this man had to be. This was the Steward of the Dragons. Cruce was said to have been destroyed in my great great grandsire’s day. Before the flag of bones had become such a plague to the Empire.
“Belay your ropes and weapons.” The hangman sounded defeated.
“Cut them loose, I’ll aye when their boards are wet.”
“Your surety will not stand, this is a new draft.” The hangman reminded.
“Then let Jalen die. None but those of us here have heard what has passed here. Let me choose another name and you can say that Jalen was brought to be hanged.”
“Any else?”
“The boy here, you damn him as traitor, he is my worry now.”
The hangman nodded. ”I don’t know the boy.” That released him to me. “What name will you choose for yourself?”
“Leshawn.”
My men laughed. They knew Ilis better than the hangman and so they understood my play on words. ‘living Shen’ or as we would say it, ‘living shade’ for that was what my house meant.
Hergir still held his blade to ward off the hangman, and I turned to walk to my boards but one of his men blocked my way.
“Your surety Jalen.”
“You have it.”
“No Jalen, more is needed, a Pirate’s word at gallows is easily forgotten in the deeps and my mission is too dire.” At this he dismissed the hangman who toddled back to his shack after writing down the appropriate lie in his book.
“What do you demand?”
He held the small scarab marker toward me. A blood surety, unbreakable.
“’An I say away?”
“Then I damn myself and bring you low where you stand. You are alive because of my word Jalen. It may come that you go to the Far-remembered lands without this surety, and I hope it happens that way, but I must have your surety or you will never leave these boards.”
I looked at him, and then back at my crew. But even before I spoke I knew I had no choice, I was here, on land, with no braid. “I’ll aye.”
“And here is why I demand the surety, Jalen Shen, you and those upon your boards must carry me and mine, or whoever I send with this marker beyond the End of the World and to the very Forgotten Land itself, or at least as close as may be gotten by a truthful attempt.”
I had walked into it. He wanted me to go beyond the forbidden Isles to the land that lay beyond, to the old Mainland where it was said only the ghosts live.
His hand moved to his knife and I knew I couldn’t stall. “I will swear.”
“By boards?”
I would have to pledge my ship, my honor, and my very life on the debt. And if I refused later he would pay me out, take command of my ship, and bring me to the shallows as an unremembered man.
“Aye, by boards.”
“By Deeps and the Unwritten Code?” He made sure I was held to both the freehold and Pirate codes. There was no way out. Though few but a Pirate would swear by the Code.
“Aye, by Deeps and the Unwritten Code.”
“Give me your hand.”
I held out my hand and he took my wrist, holding the palm turned upward.
“You, his men bear witness that I used no force to this.” His black dagger moved swiftly and a burning stream of blood welled up from my hand. My blood smoldered as it dripped to the boards and he smiled.
“By the blood that buys your boards?”
“Aye, by blood. This I swear and bind myself.”
He placed the black scarab marker on my hand and we watched as its wings turned iridescent rainbow black, the body stayed the obsidian color we had always known them to be.
He knew I spoke the truth for a lie would keep the marker black and damn me to the shallows.
He pulled a cloth from one of his pockets and bound my hand. “I pray captain Shen that I never have to call this marker, for that will mean that all else has failed.”
I made to bow but he stopped me, hand to my shoulder. “Remain afoot, I will not have my friend kneel before me. You and yours will know me by this, when I come again I shall hail you by a name now lost to the sea.”
As quickly as he had come, he went. Leaving me, and my crew, to secure our boards and head back to Corimar. I wanted to go to Darkwater, but I knew they would turn me away since my braid was shorn close to the back of my head.
I turned to assemble my crew. “What of me?” It was the boy who had refused to kill me.
“Ride or walk your choice.” I was giving him a chance to walk away.
“You would turn me away?”
“If you chose.”
“You would let the Empire hang Dragon over my house?”
I stopped. Would I really let him go knowing that the boy or his family were likely to die? I didn’t know the boy.
“How many Talon have you seen boy, you cannot be older than a few Out water trips.”
“I have twenty-five Talon to my name.”
“And you ride with me you are not likely to reach a hundred.”
“I will have nothing to return to, for my father is Dragon-bound.”
“So he would turn you away or lay you low?” I nodded to Coram that he was safe. I felt no ill-will in him. If I had only known.
“Aye.”
“Then if you will ride, follow.”
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This is very good. You’re a talented writer and you use the first person very well to convey feelings and suchlike :) You’re dialogue is concise and readable, you can understand whats going on all the time, and you also got the right amount of drama in the prologue…
Really small things I noticed which really dont matter all that much:
”Aye, and I free him.” That was a dangerous thing to say, – You might want to put IT was a dangerous thing to say. it reads better…
I don’t know whether it matters but it seems to explain ana wful lot of things. I mean, that’s good but you might want to let the reader know gradually… But Very good :D
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I love the beginning. It grabs the reader and pulls them in. I liked the ending too, you may consider ending the chapter sooner on more of a cliff hanger. I thought the chapter was really well done. The dialogue really flows. I liked the way you interjected Jalen’s thoughts. The only thing I thought was missing was a little more description. I don’t know what any one looks like or even where they are standing most of time. I don’t mean a lot of description or lists, just a little clue here and there. Also you don’t provide many mannerisms or gestures for the characters.
Jalen reminds me of Captain Jack Sparrow.
“Hangman, Grant that I may speak to my crew.” Before this part I had the sense that the pirate captain was alone. You may want to mention earlier that the crew it there.
I’d like to read more.
Within the genre, I found this an enjoyable and acceptable piece of imaginative writing with colourful characters. It actually refreshing to be able to read a work and not take umbrage with the small details. Nothing to critique on the grammar front.
You subvert pirate clichés very well… I was worried in the wake of the current franchise (you know which one) and I was able to get into your characters. The dialogue was (for a historical piece) very enjoyable and although I wondered if the language would actually hold up in a full-length book, it was an enjoyable read.
A really fun read,
Claire_D
Elle,
Once you get going I’m sure this tale will get interesting but your opening is weak—especially the first sentence. There is too much dialogue with too many different characters for a scene set on a gallows. The scene just goes on too long and you could improve the setting with creaking boards under Shen’s feet or the taste of salt-laden air.
I applaud your choice of words—”boards” for ships, “surety” for oath, etc. Makes the world you are creating more real.
Shen appears to be an honorable pirate, the sort of man whose enemies respect him and whose men would follow anywhere—and I’m certain that was your intent.
I’d like to read more but see the messages I sent to you to suggest an alternate way that doesn’t involve having to unlock reviews such as this one.
first, let me just tell you that i a hated the first line of this story. itis too long, you say “the Empire” twice which is unnecessary, andthe edge of the end of the world sounds clunky and unprofessional. from reading i understyand that the “end of the world” is something speacial,but in this case it really dosent work. you could just say that he was chased to the end of the world and the impliations would be the relatively the same.
i had toread this line twice: “The captain who had overhauled me stood just out of my line of sight, forced to watch me hang or face the noose himself.”
it is just a little awkward. i wouldsuggest a period after “watch me hang”, then starta new line with “That, or face the noose himself.”
i really liked this idea: “braids cut short to deny us a resting place…”
its these little tid bits and snipits that show you’ve taken the time to add depth to your worldand ithank you for them. also things like “hanging bones against the empire”, “being twice blooded”, and “sword a’ bones”. i have no idea what those thingsmean,but your characters do,and that adds depth. nicely played.
this one is just awkward: “And short of Swearing Empire..” short of swearing THE empire? what are you trying to say?
personal preference: “You are my captain but not my master, and beside you are twice blooded, marked and sworn ‘a bones.” i would definitely put a period after master, then drop the “and”. it will flow better, i promise.
this is a perfect example of what not to do: “But finally my quiet enjoyment of the wind came to an end as the Empire Hangman, a man who, by his voice was old and broken like the ships that lay only a stone’s throw from my feet addressed me.” youve gotten carried away with the descriptions you want to use and your trying to cram them into places they wont fit. this makesthe sentanceconfusing, almost likethe old broken ships are addressing him. remember, its ok to break lines into more than one sentance. this would read much better as two lines, one in which you introduce the hangman as speaking, the second where you describe his voice. compare: “But finally my quiet enjoyment of the wind came to an end as the Empire Hangman adressed me. He was a man who, by his voice, was old and broken like the ships that lay only a stone’s throw from my feet.”
on thesame note, iwould change this comma to a period and make it two lines: “I shrugged, it was a non-committal shrug.” thator just say “i shrugged a non-comittal shrug.”
in this,the comma after “them should bea period: “I had to throw that at them, Even my father had been given a trial….”
this made no sense to me: “Not from me.” Those words amounted to a declaration of War between the Pirates and his ship.
i dont get the dialouge. i understand the implication of warwith thepirates andthe captain, but what the crap does “not from me” have to do with that? also, when reading your dialouge it ishardto tell whois speaking because you seldom say. thisisnt that big a deal untill laterwhen you introduce a new character and fail tomentionthat thereis a new person speaking untillafter he has said his peice. not a good idea.
so, all that has been my criticism. let me say thati really did enjoy this. the world is solid, the pace is smooth. the only problemis the writing mechanics. tighten some thingsup, make sure the dialouge is clear as to who is speaking. other than thatithink you have a great beggining and i wouldnt mind reading more.
Blimey – all the jargon. I felt like this was a chapter from late on in the book because I didn’t understand a lot of it. There is so much jargon and pirate talk and names that I felt totally lost and disconnected from the plot, and so much politics early on is not a good idea – you will lose your reader’s interest. It’s very clever and I admire your creativity, but I found it very hard-going.
Here are a few specific bits that I wanted to comment on…
“The Captain who overhauled me” – you say this twice at the start.
“I knew such would damn him as a traitor to me, but he was the only unblooded ranking member of my boards, and my choice if he should live, to take my ship.” – eh? I don’t understand this sentence… maybe you needed to be a pirate to get it?!
“And it was this wind we fought…. But finally my quiet” – try not to start sentences with And or But.
This all sounds very critical doesn’t it? Well I do think this story is interesting and you have obviously created an amazing world of treachery and pirates and violence and different languages and so on. I just think you need to have a little patience in revealing it to us. You need some scene setting firstly, otherwise as soon as I read a couple of “Aye”s I’m visualising Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom and nice sunny Carribean islands. Is this the scene you want? If not, you need to get on with replacing it with one of your own imagining quick smart.
Secondly, characters. I have a fairly fertile imagination, but I’d like a little help with my imagining of the main characters. Some simple description, some monologing (which incidentaly is an excellent way to tell me not only about how that person thinks, but also about the situation, the politics, the other characters, etc).
My advice, take this chapter, add about another 4000 words to it, and then resubmit it. If fleshing it out doesn’t work, put it on the back burner, write another chapter that sets the scene better and make that your prologue/chapter one. The thing I have learned already in the month that I have begun writing again is that you need to write a lot of chapters before you find your chapter one. It is SUCH an important one. It has to set the scene, maybe introduce the characters, and, above all, capture the interest of the reader… The person in the motorway service station looking for a good read to take on holiday… They read the first paragraph of your chapter one… Do they want to read the rest?
I found this really hard work to follow and it lacked flow.
extracts like below make it difficult to know who is talking.
”Do you see this blade?”
”Aye.”
”Do you know it?”
”No.”
”Then do you see this crest?” I heard someone swear by scales and shells, the two most powerful Magika there were.
”I see it.”
”Call it out that my brothers in the noose may know me.”
”It is the black Phaeon, wings outstretched.”
”Aye, and do you understand that sign and this blade?”
”An’ if I say no?”
My advice is to read this aloud to yourself if you havent already you will make many changes I am sure
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