Poetry / a fit pair of jeans
i am wearing a fit pair of jeans today.
they are snug to my leg lines and
bleached like sun-spots on the thighs.
but they aren’t as embracing and kind
as the soft linen grasp
of summer’s air against my knees,
four-door open pop can and stereo-drunk motivation, touched by
65 miles an hour who
russels my hair and scratches my
eyelids.
these are jeans, like the sand is chameleon
(from goldenskywarm to
silversmilecold).
but i’d rather
have the wind lick and tear at
my bare boy legs.
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i like the middle and the sexiness, albeit you reserve yourself a little, if your feeling it with the wind you are causing us as well to feel it, we the readers. What I am saying is go all the way, make it more personal.
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I like your words, in this, but I wish you’d say more. You miss summer. And? I want more. The second stanza’s first line is way awkward for me, I LOVE stereo-drunk motivation, but does 65 mile an hour wind “touch” you? I think it’d be a lot harsher than that.. Same w/hair – my mind goes to whipping hair into face. that line may be a cliche, though. Andyway, you get the idea.
Third stanza I like, except for silversmilecold, and the simile of jeans and sand. I absolutely do not understand how you are comparing you jeans to sand changing. The silvermilecold- eh. I assume you’re going day/night with this color change, gold/silver, yes? I’d stay away from the silver (if I’m on the right track w/your meaning and all) as this all seems very sunshine and lemon drops. It all screams day. Gimme a stanza about summer nights on your knees (oh- damn- not how that sounds) or something.
Ok, I really do like the jist of this, I just think you’re cutting yourself a bit short. Keep it up.
Love, love.
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