Second Base
Once, behind a wood shed
a woman felt me up
with cold hands. Steam from us
fell like young ghosts hovering.
A woman felt me up
hands pulled blush from my breasts
fell like young ghosts hovering
to play with my buttons.
Hands pulled blush from my breasts.
She stayed for a while,
to play with my buttons
tucked and camouflaged.
We stayed for a while,
behind our source of heat
tucked and camouflaged
shielded just enough.
Behind our source of heat
with cold hands, our steam
shielded us just enough
once, behind a wood shed.
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If you were supposed to follow the guidelines you posted, you did very well. Thank you for explaining that in the beginning because I didn’t know what that was and would have never looked for it.
The subject matter is interesting, the describing words are great and there are minimal things I would change. I saw the second verse, third line you may have meant felt if you didn’t it sounds better to me.
The coolest way it is written, like it’s rolling and I have to give you high marks Publish this one. Thank you for letting me see.
This is beautifully executed. I barely notice the repetition, which means the flow works. It’s extremely well written. My only critique would be the phrase “young ghosts” – its hard to get off your tongue when read aloud, and might not be the best way to get that description across (the idea of a ghost is different to everyone, something either more concrete or even more abstract might be better, a ghost is sort of in between). Just my 2 cents, it’s a gorgeous piece whatever you decide to do with it.
woah that was awesome. everytime one stanza ended and then it started up with a line from the previous stanza, i felt like it was a ”to be continued” type of thing. and with a type of poem like that, i would think itd be kinda of difficult, because you have restriction. you HAVE to have certain lines go in certain places, and then youre only left with like, two lines to make up on your own THAT WILL STILL fit the whole thing. and you did that very well. except tha the stanza that said “she stayed a while” as the 2nd line and then the next stanza said “we stayed a while” for the first stanza. isnt that kind of cheating? lol, its still good though :)
As far as restricted styles go, this poem is a good example and strong follow-through of pantoums. Good job. At least it’s not a Villanelle.
In fifth quatrain- are you sure it goes 9 3 10 1?
I think you’re right, because then every line appears exactly twice, but still…It tickles my brain.
There really is not much to say for this description of an event that must mean something to you. Many people make the mistake of trying to burst out of the strict forms, and try too hard. But you don’t make that mistake.
Wow! wow! wow! What an amazing use of the pantoum. It’s not everyday that I come across modern poetry written on such a strict scheme, but you nailed it, you nailed it good. Plus, I love that you didn’t fall into the conventional hole and started bloating about excentric love affairs, but that you chose a subject matter and a theme on ground level, so to speak. This way, there is a play, not only between the pantoums double-meaning lines, but also between the strict conventional scheme itself and the ‘unconventional’ story it brings to life.
Using strict conventions thereby becomes a comment in and of itself, and modern, chaos-loving, blank verse poetry should be warned: there is another way.
Bravo!
I bow my head (a thing I don’t do often… actually, this is my first time) and hope to read more from you soon.
I have attempted this form of poem before. It is not easy! I think you did a tremendous job! I love the images and the language you used. The entwining of ideas starting from shocking and aware to sensual and innocence flowed nicely. I can’t suggest any improvements to this poem.
It’s seems an interesting style, though I know nothing about it. I can’t critique it structurally. I do see it’s potential.
I see some minor problems with the imagery. ’fell like ghosts hovering’ doesn’t work well simply because it in internally conflicted. Falling can’t by definition be hovering. That’s a pretty easy fix. Changing that will polish some of the weaker transitions in the piece (e.g. 1st quatrain, steam doesn’t fall.)
‘Source of heat’ seems rather generic. Why not identify it?
‘Hands pulled blush from breasts’ is rhythmic and I like the sound, but the meaning is confused. I think I get it: the hands are blush? If not that, then what? I wonder if you can keep the rhythm but change the words.
I like the sound and meaning of ‘tucked and camoflauged.’
Overall, I’d like to read the next version as I think this poem is going places.
second stanza, lines 2,3 : I understand you’ve got constraints here, but I don’t really understand the lines. I don’t think it works. Punctuation, perhaps, would help – commas….
I am not familiar with pantoum(s?) so I won’t waste your time pretending I am—it seems like a complex form, which you exectued pretty well. Your meaning is there, I assume you followed the rules :) so, good job. You are more patient than I.
1st stanza – again, constraints, I know, but the line: “Steam from us
fell like young ghosts hovering” Is awkward, as the syntax is all crazy.
I don’t know if you can fix that with the boundaries of the poem, but I’d try.
Keep it up.
Love, love.
I think the use of form (a pantoum) is a great fit for this piece. You chose great words to repeat (camouflaged, buttons, etc), which really help the sound of the poem. I like the contrast of heat with cold, especially in the last stanza: “our source of heat/with cold hands”. The sounds are nice, and the imagery is especially strong from beginning to end. This poem is very concise and clear, making it exceptionally strong. I especially like “hands pulled blush from my breasts”—it’s a nice image that is compact and elegant, like the entire piece.
This is a very nice pantoum. The repeated lines do not seem forced, you do a great job of weaving them into the continuing narrative of the poem. You’ve also managed to include some intense visual imagery, which is difficult using such a structured style. Bravo! Does pantoum also have syllabic restrictions? The one snippet that seemed a little forced to me was “Steam from us.”
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