thank you for the encouragement! i really think a good story is as much in the telling as in the story itself and that’s what i try to do. that’s why i’m not a great formal writer but i think i have potential as a storyteller. i think it’s because i grew up in the south.
Non-fiction / watch and learn (working title)
I always wanted to be a writer. Of all the things I’ve obsessed and contemplated over in my 29 years, that has stayed consistent, if only in the desire and not the action. It’s not to say that I haven’t written. Actually I never stop. Everything I write is scattered and rambling. Strings of words meant to convey some convoluted message, an attempt at logic that I can barely make sense of myself yet feel compelled to explore in poetry and prose.
I started writing when I was a small kid. I was the scared kid who never talked, who hid in my mother’s skirt to avoid the curious gaze of the strangers my family called “friends from Haiti,” who never seemed that friendly with their perpetual commentary on my growth, personal development, and other completely inappropriate subject matters. In the culture that I was raised in, children don’t have rights, they don’t have dignity, and they certainly do not have a voice. So I didn’t talk. What was the point? No one was listening, and it seemed like when kids in my world talked too much there was a meeting with a belt that followed soon after. So I didn’t talk. I have this memory of going to see this White Doctor, I couldn’t have been older than three or four but I have this hazy vision nonetheless. I think I remember the incident because the only doctor I had ever seen prior was Dr. Delesfort, who was the milkiest shade of café au lait I’d ever seen on a human being, but was still Black and part of my community.
But this was different, my parents were dressed up, I wasn’t sick and there were no nurses; they had me play with blocks and shape puzzles and he didn’t even really seem like a doctor at all, he just asked a lot of questions which was pretty stupid since I wasn’t talking. I wonder what news they got that day. My parents are very strange and secretive people. I bet if I asked them today, they’d say I imagined the whole thing. I’m sure they’d say that about a lot of things. I didn’t talk. So I wrote instead. It started with childish observations on the groups that I could never join because even though I eventually started talking it was never to say the appropriate thing in most situations.
I was an observer. It always amazed me how people would forget I was there and would just discuss things that had they been conscious to my existence they never would have. I knew which of my relatives had done time, who had been abused and who the abusers were. I knew who was being unfaithful, including my own father and who was pregnant then wasn’t. I saw a lot of things but said nothing. There was nothing to be gained in sharing my knowledge. I would only find myself in trouble as if I had created these situations by just knowing about them. I did not gossip, I did not tell. No matter how much I may have wanted to in some situations, I let things play out as the Fates would have them.
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moorelaculous reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m curious about what part of the work in progress this excerpt comes from. Is this the beginning or taken from some other part. I think that would help in a review.
For me it seems to have a loose structure, like the kind I use when writing in my diary which really just follows my train of consciousness. When I started writing my own story my thoughts were all over the place because one thing leads to another. It helped me to pick a theme or subject and then make an outline of everything related to that theme or subject. In that way I was able to write a concise account.
A lot of things are mentioned that could be expanded upon like “because even though I eventually started talking it was never to say the appropriate thing in most situations.” After that you naturally want to hear some examples.
All the information about the doctors seems to be irrelevant, like it went off on a tangent. For example Everything from “I have this memory of going to see this White…” to ” I’m sure they’d say that about a lot of things” seems like a tangent that doesn’t really relate to the subject of not talking and writing. THat’s not to say that it doesn’t relate. It just means that they need to be linked together.
I would be interested in reading more. From what little is here it does pique my interest. I just would like to see a tighter structure.
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Doogy_Rev_Brothers reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty good and engaging given the brevity of the piece, it almost reads like a prologue of sorts and i can imagine this leading into a much longer piece, and although you give no indication of how you plan to progress this memoir, given what you have here I would be compelled to read on. How much further on obviously depends on you and what happens as your story unfolds.
teaddub reviewed Version 1 -
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That was interesting, and as a blog would go over well.
You seem to at least undertsand the basics of the conventions of written English. This is not poorly pnctuated or spelled. It is rather poorly organizzed, but you seem to know that about your writing, since you mentioned it in your first paragraph.
You also tell us a lot. A good writer, especially in nonfiction, will show us how it felt to be you and be silent. Describe the setting as yo remember it. Feel free to embellish based on your memory. Be creative with your discriptions, the genre is creative nonfiction. It is alright to embellish a bit with the details, the truth that you are giving us is the emotions that your writing will invoke.
If you truly want to write, I would suggest a good writing coach, maybe some college English classes. Keep writing, and work on your ability to show, not tell.
pushover4u reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! I don’t know a good way to explain it, but if this is the beginning of your memoir no matter how dull a life you have I’d buy the rest of the book because of the way you explained it. I can relate to not really being apart of the group and taking a back seat to things and watching them unfold even though you know the story and is happening. I really liked it if you do in deed get published you must tell me.
LadyMactans reviewed Version 1 -
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jungsnkim reviewed Version 1 -
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Presentation is equally important to the elements of your subject matter, since it about the desire to write and be a good writer. You have the thinking reflective mind and the desire to share the wisdom and courage you had as a child but it still might seems as if a child is writing. It is time to go back to the drawing board and hammer out the fundamentals likes paragraph structure. Very important in organizing the thoughts. There seems like alot you want to cover so take your time and tackle one theme at a time, for instance, youre not a talker but observer. Next is the foreign factor, you are culturally different and then there is the memories and people that were in your life. Break these into definative paragraphs and you’ll see what I mean. I like the story so far and feel there is depth and good childhood stories that go with it, so keep writing.
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