Thanks for the help and will try to incorporate your idea.
Poetry / Black Poet
Black Poet where u at?
Busy on the Motorola or Blackberry?
Getting the message sent
across town via internet directory?
Black Poet where’s the mic in hand
and the soapbox linguistic genius that rap once decreed?
Beatbox muse and drum kit news
For this I find unsettling.
For the Leaders of the New School
where have your students run to?
Not even with fun did they run unless
to decorate their guns with diamonds and bling.
How quick to forget that their demise
came from the very same thing.
The bloodshed of slaves within death and toil
of today’s African women and men.
Black voices with choices
sadly ending up with nothing.
Just with the American dream to
be richer than others among them.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
blakdove reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
this poem is a good springboard for dialog into the problem of the lost voice of African americans. However it is a bit alouf or distant from african american youth today. Its this sort of media popular view of Art in the communiy that continues to prepetuate the problem. Turning to hip-hop, and more specifically, hip hop that does not play show in your local area, for your taste of black culture and life, I am not shame to say is a poor representative. A better alternative would be a play a dance party or read some of my poetry, or poetry from some of the youth and encorage them to create, and create without limits.
- add/view comments (1)
jellybean01 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The first and second stanzas totally grabbedd my attention with their just-shy-of-subtle rhyme schemes. I loved it--thought it fit perfect into the context of the poem in regards to the hip hop image and what not. But, all the following stanzas didn’t have any rhyme scheme at all, which threw me off a bit and, to be honest, left me a little disappointed. From that observation, i can only assume that your rhyme scheme in the begining stanzas was unintentional--but, maybe you should try having a rhyme scheme throughout the rest of the stanzas, even if the schemes are contained to each verse only. I think it would make for incredible poetry if you did, but that’s my personal opinion.
You do have some great ideas in here, though. A lot of the imagery is very point-blank without being bland, so good work on that. And i love that last stanza, despite the absence of rhyme scheme—a great, great ending.
Overall, though, this is a really good piece…may need a bit of retouching, but great nonetheless.
Raef reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is one of the more intellectual commentaries on the hiphop industry that i’ve read.
There’s some rhyming in this piece, which changes throughout, affecting the flow a little.
You make impressive use of language. However, the tone changes; there are references to rap in the first two stanzas (“where u at?”, “mic in hand”), but then they stop. I’m not sure if this detracts from your message or adds to it – is it meant to show progression from stereotypical slang to more intelligent observation?
Thanks for posting this; it’s an enjoyable read with the intent of projecting an admirable message.
ZoeticFyre reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is definitely in its infancy stage but there are a few kernels I hope that does not get loss as it matures.
Black voices with choices
sadly ending up with nothing.
Just with the American dream to
be richer than others among them.
I think the change from Black Poet to Voices was key here. I do however felt somewhere in the middle it lost track of this point.
Not even with fun did they run unless
to decorate their guns with diamonds and bling.
How quick to forget that their demise
came from the very same thing.
You separated these sections but really they are connected and are all one thought. While the other verses stand independently.
There’s a rhythm issues. There are punctuation issues. But those will be caught and cleaned in time overall I like the piece and the simplistic style.
I love this image: Black Poet where’s the mic in hand
and the soapbox linguistic genius that rap once decreed? (One of the rhythm issue lines as well)
But if the point of the piece is to talk about the lack of substance in today’s hip hop then the use of the word “soapbox” in today’s vernacular may actually undermine the depth of past words.
This piece could go so much deeper into the past verses present idea of hip hop but is a good starting point.
SanityDreamer reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This poem like you said does need some work. But with that being said, it certainly captures the reader’s attention. I like that. I especially liked ‘Black voices with choices sadly ending up with nothing.’. That was very interesting as well as moving.
The line ‘and the soapbox linguistic genius that rap once decreed?’ though interesting, seems to bog down the pace of the rest of the poem for me. I don’t know how others feel about it, but though a good line, it slows the poem down.
I’d almost say that you could go even further, deeper, with this poem. Also, I was wanting to see you bring in another sentence using ‘Black poet’ somewhere around the closing. I think when you emphasized that in the beginning, it brought personality and made the poem itself more personal. I think if you brought that somewhere in the end, it would make a stronger impact as a whole. (Not to say this poem doesn’t make an impact now!)
This poem was a really good read and I hope you keep working on it.
sirM reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is a great idea in its nacent stage, as you’ve indicated in your side comments. I love the opening line. It’s direct address punctuated in text message style launches the poem well. That and the line, “Black poet where’s the mic in hand?,” remind me of Langston Hughes. Strong, accusatory, jazzy in there cadence. For a poem vaguely about loss in hip hop, I think you have more room to evoke musical rhythms just as Hughes did his speaking voices at times picking up on the music of jazz and gospel. Lines like “for this I find unsettling” and “how quick to forget that their demise/came from the very same thing” just don’t drive the same interest as moments like “beatbox muse and drum kit news” or “guns with diamonds and bling.” Your poem contains the very basis for the sounds that will bring it to life. Enhance it and gut out the sloppier lines.
newfound reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
are you yourself black? if so, i find it curious that a black male cannot penetrate deeper than the average societal stereo-type…
the reason so many black youths are down and out and uneducated is because nothing much is expected of them…it’s alright to speak with a mouth full of rocks, and covet that which is not theirs, doing anything they must until they have it (not to mention, they aren’t particularly interested, or assign much worth to, scholastic excellence, as determined by comparison to not only other americans, but other humans)...the sad truth is, blacks hold themselves to a comparatively lower standard than most other distinct racial groups within the built-up western world…whats more sad, is that they don’t really have to (or think of it as ‘selling out’ or betraying their black identity) aim any higher…
blacks are the one’s who perpetuate a distinct racial identity, which, on the societal stage, might be misconstrued for a great deal of things (such as racism on the part of those outside of that identity)...while i have more important things to worry about, blacks must flaunt and cater to this identity which has a fore-bearing on everything they do…blacks are more likely to listen to what’s pertinent/produced by other blacks, while, say, whites and most other racial groups are more likely to listen to and engage in many various things from many various places, as their racial identity’s horizon’s may not be so constrictive…
quite honestly, after observing society in america, it seems its only a fractional amount who still harbor racial prejudices against blacks (and some may be justified, such as a fear of a popularly-projected pathos of gangstardom and crime to achieve uniquely black ends)...while, for the most part, the ones who care the most about blacks being black are, in fact, blacks themselves…
but then again, i can only speak for myself, and maybe a new generation of americans, when i say “hey, i’ve got more important things to worry about than color…great, you’re black, get over it, i don’t care…”
i believe this to be important to the poem, as in message, and consider the above section a critique on what i think is a shamefully shallow commentary…while touching lightly on what i am saying…
as far as the poem is concerned technically, the strophes are nice and stimulating, being two sentences in question form…its a good simple form, and, as i said, stimulating – yet what’s there is not at all…
just go visit europe, go to any average place in america, and see not what blacks should emulate, but finally admit to themselves that if they are going to complain and desire more than what can be hoped for in what they perceive as a societal rut, then they must hold themselves to what can be established as this standard of normality (free your mind, and then the national education system will follow, as improving education for students who would neglect it anyway would be a waste – its true!) - they must strive for such as things that would last generations upon generations, reshaping (maybe even dissolving) this constrictive black identity that is ultimately detrimental to those who were unfortunate enough as to have grown up in it, with nothing else to hope for, nothing else to want to hope for…
CA reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Great poem. Mourns the loss of intelligent rap and poetry jams. The rhyming doesn’t seem forced to me, go with it! If you could find a way to get a rap-like rhythm to the words and lines, that would rock. I’m not sure what these lines meant:
The bloodshed of slaves within death and toil
of today’s African women and men.
The ending is a little weak – I was looking for something really punchy to end this poem….
brighteyedmuse reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Bravo! Hip hop is dead, young minds choose not to think, about rhymes, it seems today that the blessing bestowed on the black community, is now a curse to its second generation. I like the line about not running to afix bling to pistols. The lazy lyricists of my day are concerned with only the degredation of women and the idolization of money. How was the original message confused, selling drugs is not glamorous, but a chore of the poor. I think if this is elementary thinking for you, that you have a gift. I really like this one.
svoltin reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I liked it. The sense of hopeless struggle is really conveyed through this poem. The incredulous rhetorical questions are great and define the tone. It’s an angle you rarely see on urbis, or anywhere in poetry for that matter, and I find it refreshing to see that kind of originality.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
11 Reviews 8 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
