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When the sun shines, I laugh and dance,
I live as I do.

But as the night descends,
Like a shield drawn away,
My mind and soul reflects
The cruel torments of a lonely world.

In years to come, I could love.
I could cherish that person, who makes me whole.
Just like all those movies,
With glistening white teeth and windswept hair.

But that warm shore will never be met
By my cold, dark, waters.
For I am the crushing depths of the sea,
Where the creatures you fear to gaze upon roam.
I am the paralyzing fear that traps the scream
In the back of your throat.

I am the dark alley, you skitter by,
Fearful to merely gaze down.
Until the day breaks and you gleefully stroll
Alongside my harmless facade.

At night, I live as I should,
Without fear or doubt,
A dark soul, lashing out
With rage and disgust
At a world gone so twistedly awry.
This ignorant squalid filth,
By day… I call home.

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DanGrobelnik avatar General Stranger

April 23, 2007

DanGrobelnik

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
DanGrobelnik reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

First Reading…
I’m not too sure about this one. There’s certainly not much subtlety to it, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The middle stanzas, the “I am…” stanzas, seem somewhat almost farcical in their self absorption and indulgence. The movie reference feels very cliche to me.  

Second Reading…
I have to admit that I’m not a fan of this. Structurally, poetically, it’s boring. As far as the over arching thought, it’s trite, and again, very self indulgent (self important?). The repetition of “I am” such and such visually dead, rather cliche image of darkness or foreboding is difficult to take seriously. The last stanza, “without fear or doubt,” seems to attempt to convince the reader of some sort of monolithic, secret personality born of another world, one not so “awry” and “twisted,” but it just comes out as a juvenile exercise in desperate social isolation- a valid emotion, believe me, but one that requires a great skill to handle so as not to produce a piece of literature that is just boring and cliche.
Something that would interesting to me is WHY this world is “awry,” why you ARE this or that fiendish undercurrent of social existence, WHAT can be done about this situation, and so on. It’s silly to gloat over an unbelievable, usually self inflicted despondency- it’s a lot more interesting to see what happens afterward.  

CA avatar General Stranger

April 23, 2007

CA

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
CA reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really like your writing style.  You walk the line between exposition and description well.  Every time I want to say “show don’t tell” you show me something that I can latch onto.

The beginning is weak, though.  Instead of telling the reader, show them how you live in the light.

I could cherish that person, who makes me whole. <-remove comma after person
[Just like all those movies,
With glistening white teeth and windswept hair.]
The above description is too cliche for the nature of this poem.

In the stanza above you say you could love, and in the next, contradict yourself.

I am the dark alley, you skitter by, <- remove comma after alley.

Find some synonyms for fear, show don’t tell.

Is the doubt/out rhyme on purpose?  It breaks the flow for me.

I like the denoument-quality of the ending.  Back to the light and it’s a let down…

jellybean01 avatar General Stranger

April 20, 2007

jellybean01

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
jellybean01 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Okay, here is the thing: a little preachy, a little teen angsty.  Omit cliche terms and phrases such as “a dark soul lashing out,” “the paralyzing fear that traps the scream/in the back of your throat,” “by my cold, dark, waters,” “the cruel torments of a lonely world.”  Don’t let this be discouraging, it’s just…there are always better ways to say what’s been said already and, i’ll admit, what i’ve mentioned as definite omits have definitely been said before.  There is always room to improve the cliche into something much deeper and personal, so give it another go ahead.

Also, “this ignorant squalid filth”????  Eeeeh, a little judegemental, i would say.  Try describing, not telling; inclusive, not exclusive.  

Yeah, the topic you’ve chosen has been written by everyone at least once in their lives, but we can always make it our own—make something special out of the words even if the meaning in the end is the same as the rest.

Try working on this one some more, you can go a lot of different directions here.

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svoltin avatar

svoltin

Age: 20
Loc: San Diego, CA
Gen: M
Last Login: April 15
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