Poetry / These Shoulders, 1st Revision

At first, I thought you spoke of your own shoulders, but as your poem went on, it seemed it was all shoulders you spoke of, including your own.
“Weary with it’s weight,” give the reader a sense of how it feels,(as I notice myself slumping heavier than I had before this read.) Effective.  

Does “others” refer to “shoulders” (I.e. other peoples burdens?) I got lost/distracted on the “necks of others shoulders”, could not quite get the meaning or imagery. Otherwise a very good effort. I like the form, structure and flow. The theme and phrases seem very common and familiar, but still work. Just be careful not to sound like “everyone else” .

I enjoy what is said (that is being, the content) but it sounds too flowery, almost forced “eloquence”. It seems like you have alot to say, but don’t really say it fully. I recommend being a bit more blunt, maybe??

“Others lower their heads,
Their eyes downcast, unable to
tie the noose around their necks.”
Are very good lines. I think that the main message is a message of hope. I think that because of “unable to discover the strength
residing in their hearts.” So if hope is not one of the points you are trying to make I would get rid of that line. And I like the fact that you start it and end it  the same way. In “Others glare, scoff, turn away,” it makes it sound as if the poeple are arrogant and snobby instead of sad like you suggest. But I think it is overall good.

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April 03, 2007

by duskyshadows

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21	F	Todd, NC	October 11

The scoffing and glaring is related to “these shoulders…termed a necessary nuisance” and the way the “others” treat them.  The others treat them this way because they can’t remove the sadness from their own eyes to see how hurt these shoulders are.  Does that make sense?

April 05, 2007

by joshysbutterfly

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That makes a lot more sense. Okay I get it a little better now.

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I feel as though you have a powerful message here, but would like to see this piece in a different perspective. I am interested in seeing what would come of this idea if the poem used the concept of “showing, not telling.” I think that I’ve been told everything I’m supposed to think and feel here, and I want to come to that realization on my own, using maybe metaphors, etc. For example, “The world rests on shoulders
Weary with its weight”perhaps could be written something like “The oak tree bent with its luggage of snow and icc”(just a vague example). does that make sense? Good job, I think we’ve all been here!

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April 03, 2007

by duskyshadows

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147	83.9% (31 votes)	22.3%

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21	F	Todd, NC	October 11

I’m not good with natural metaphors.  I might be able to do something with the way the ‘others’ feel though, because I think that is where you are getting the ‘telling’ rather than the showing.

These shoulders bear it gracefully,
admired for their courage.
Others watch in shame,
Unable to comprehend the
Strength it takes to tie the
Noose around their necks.

That could be this instead:

These glide across the room,
Lighting it up with affection.
Others lower their heads,
Their eyes downcast, unable to
tie the noose around their necks.

And I could do similar changes with the rest.  What do you think?

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First read through…confusing.
Second read through..I’m thinking
soldier…military? The current war, its contradictions, the confusion of civilians, and their non understanding of soldiers going to war honoring their duty.
Third read through…same thing…
All in all…it was good!