Haiku/Senryu / Old

I like the sentiment.  Very descriptive and simple.  You might now try substituting words for others of the same meaning to add depth and emotion.  I sometimes get the thesaurus out and list words that mean the same thing as each word I’d like to change.  Then just play around until you get it to work.  Kind of like a puzzle.  Keep writing!

Ah yes. The favorite toy. It’s amazing how those things can effectively make us feel “dated”. Very nice piece.

I feel the same way when I hear songs from my prom on the elevator. sigh

:)

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September 11, 2007

by Rol

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
129	81.8% (44 votes)	57.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Tacoma, WA	February 04

Just remember I’m older than you & have been hearing them a lot longer – and mine are disco. . . ;)  

Thanks for the comment.

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There is little to change other than, perhaps, specifying the toy.  I deem this quite good: if you do this “off the cuff,” I’d like to see what you can do with some effort!

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September 06, 2007

by Rol

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
129	81.8% (44 votes)	57.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Tacoma, WA	February 04

I’d rather not specify the toy, because it would become too generation specific and I’d like it to be more generic than that.  And this really was the result of a stray thought and maybe 5 minutes.  Thanks for the compliment ;)

September 06, 2007

by ThomasAlan

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58	M	State College, PA	November 21

You’re welcome.  I take your point(s).

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Good imagery, it connects to just about everyone in the world.
I did get a smile and felt it’s some what humorous.
Age is nothing but a number.

As for the moment evoked, I give a 10.  I have had this experience a few times.  It’s not exactly profound, but it is a singular feeling.  You expect it when you’re cleaning out your attic, not when you’re browsing antique shops with your in-laws.

The language is off the cuff.  It just needs some pruning, nothing severe.  ”makes me” can go.  That sort of thing.  I’m sure you already have a sense of that.  Don’t change the core idea at all!

Nice.

This Haiku is very special. I love the ones that we can all relate to. I would not change a thing about it.

very nice. its like one long sentence, but haiku style. what i really lke is the endind, where it says “makes me feel my age” because thats kind of vague. like, if this was my haiku, and i was older, i probably would have put my age, but this doesnt say the age. and it makes me think of how people say its not polite to say your age or something. or how people say women dont like to say their age. OR how people will say, like, im 52 years young. im just curious? is this like, a true story? did you actually find some old toy? and if you did what toy was it?

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April 03, 2007

by Rol

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
129	81.8% (44 votes)	57.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Tacoma, WA	February 04

no, just something I pulled out of the air.  I do a lot of antiquing & people are always finding something for sale & saying “I remember this!  I had one of these when I was. . . ” and it makes them nostalgic and also makes them feel old because their memory is now an antique.  Meant to be wistful & kind of sad. . . thanks for your review.

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