I was doing my best to think of a different word to use rather than un-automated, but I just couldn’t seem to think of one. I’m open to suggestions though, so suggest away!
Poetry / Trivial Moments
Down on luck,
or so it seemed,
she did her job
in automated steps.
Greet, swipe card,
take groceries from cart.
Scan, bag, thank,
wish customers goodnight.
They stand there
watching like hawks,
keeping an eye out
for a possible mistake.
She sighs inside,
ignores them mostly,
gets lost in repetition
of pick up, scan, set down.
Some do smile,
albeit falsely,
pretending to be interested,
but really just in a hurry.
She ignores them,
except for the necessary
greeting and parting
required by her job.
A woman comes
through her line,
seemingly like the
fake, insincere smilers.
She’s surprised to
hear a grateful
‘thanks for being nice,’
sincere and heartfelt.
Her mood lifts
and she smiles warmly,
amazed at how something so
trivial can mean so much.
Her step lighter,
her spirit warmed,
she does her job
smiling; un-automated.
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thewritecareer reviewed Version 1 -
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Let me tell you something – BRAVO!!! This poem needed to be written to honor all the people who stand there and “have to take it”.
If this were in theater – I would start a standing ovation.
You are right – something so trivial can mean so much. Especially after all the false smiles and the people watching like a hawk for a possible mistake.
19 years old? Advice: Go to college for writing – you have the ability to bring out the soul that is in people.
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Blackbirdsong reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. You capture this so perfectly. I mean how many times have we stood in line at check-out and almost ignored the person there because we’re busy or thinking about something or whatever.
My only criticism is the title as it’s a bit generic. But since you’ve just written this take time with it a little and see what you think.
ZoeticFyre reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh how I remember my retail days. What’s great is that this piece captures the life of anyone doing a lower level customer service job.
“sincere and heartfelt” doesn’t flow with in the rest of the stanza. I maybe if its fliped to read:
sincere and heartfelt
‘thanks for being nice.’
That way it does sound as much as an after thought. I do think the structure and the voice do nicely lend itself to the monotany of the task.
Jenee reviewed Version 1 -
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I like that the poem is static and mundane when talking about the feeling of the narrator (you). However, I think that it would be beneficial to change the movement and rhythm when “her mood lifts,” in order for the words and structure to mimick the feelings and emotions being exerted.
Explore other words to end with instead of un-automated, allowing a better visual.
mullet reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this, it was fun, but the use of language is interesing and nice. Not much sense I know, I like the opening. Wow. And I call myself a writer…
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