Thank you so much. I am glad that you were able to connect with it so deeply and understand it…even though that’s not always the best thing.
I have had to lead that life and can agree that writing and imagination in general have been and will continue to be salvation to many things.
Thanks again and best wishes!
Poetry / My Head
I sat in that corner
I sat there for years
Just like you told me
I sat with my tears
Sliding inside me
Bruising every inch of me
Forcing your fingers into my head
I held back that fear
I held it for years
Just like you warned me
I held back the tears
Running all over me
Slamming down on me
Jamming your logic into my head
I kept my mouth shut
I was silent for years
Just as you wanted me
I lost the last of my tears
Destroying every shred of me
Killing what I thought of me
Drilling your sickness into my head
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Geminirose reviewed Version 2 -
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I can really relate to the poem. My ex-husband was like you said in your poem:
“Destroying every shred of me
Killing what I thought of me
Drilling your sickness into my head”, his mental illnesses were corrupting my sanity. But I’m not saying I don’t have my own illnesses but his were clashing with mine and messing with them. Especially the part you wrote: “Running all over me
Slamming down on me
Jamming your logic into my head
I kept my mouth shut
I was silent for years
Just as you wanted me
I lost the last of my tears”, was how I felt with his mind games and tests and all that crap he gave me.
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jungsnkim reviewed Version 2 -
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This is pretty raw and that is heartfelt poetry but sadly not necessarily for all to hear, especially pain this bitter and disheartening. Yet you set a scene and if it is truly a life you’ve had to lead than keep writing for it may become your salvation. This poem is graphic but intertwined within the mental pain of abuse as well and serves a dual purpose. I may understand it too well and have to commend you for sharing such an emotional piece.
Michael_X reviewed Version 2 -
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Subtle changes but they work, especially the last line. Makes the poem a little more biting!
Michael_X reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this – what works for me is that you completely focus on emotion (the pain and anguish) and not on a specific event or person. To me that’s what makes this so compelling – your words create imagery that allows the reader to define this in his/her own terms. This could be about any kind of abuse or a bad marriage/relationship or something compleetly different. The cadence of the stanzas has a good feel and the evolution of the tears, plus the violence of the pain (“screwing your fingers…slamming me….destroying…”) gives this a kick. You do a very good job of conveying how the pain has left you shattered and empty.
CherubTattoo reviewed Version 1 -
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I got the overall feeling you were trying to convey, and I understand very well the story you were getting across; an abusive relationship you were in.
I feel I must criticise the structure. You begin with a 4 line verse, therefore it should carry on in that way. Also, the repeated use of the only rhyme in the poem, years and tears, which is cliched, isn’t amazing! But I definitely feel you have some talent.
SanityDreamer reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, this was emotionally painful to read. The emotion conveyed here is very real, almost so real the reader could touch it, feel it, and call it their own.
With that being said, when it ended I felt bereft. To me, there wasn’t a conclusion and it felt unfinished. Almost a contradiction of terms if you will. From what I got, this person is writing to themselves, or should I say for themselves and thus has not had everything killed of themselves. They realize just how far they’ve ‘fallen’ and I use that term loosely so please don’t read into that the wrong way.
But this person is a survivor. To even so write this downs proves there’s still a part of this person that is still that person, that individual. These emotions aren’t his, but ‘hers’. She’s still there. It’s almost like she’s pushing on the walls, testing.
I think you could go even further with this poem, dive deeper. It would be a test of yourself I think to see just how much farther you could take it and go.
Thank you for the read and I wish you luck and joy with your writing!
SIM reviewed Version 1 -
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Angry and real! I see this poem as having such an edge to it that I didn’t want it to stop. I can feel, with lines like “jamming your logic into my head” the sense of control that you are fighting with in this piece.
I dobelieve this could be better if it went further. It has my attention as a reader and that grip to me doesn’t end when the poem does. Would you consider stretching further into the agony of this control. Just my opinion but your last line doesn’t end this for me.
SIM
www.siminoe.com
ae reviewed Version 1 -
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Well. That was a surprise.
I thought this was going to be another trite, rhymey-time heartbreak poem, but you’ve got something layered and brutal here.
The simplistic rhymey structure of those stanzas echoes the compliance they are explaining. I hope you did that on purpose, because it’s really very searing. And then the more widely-spaced stanzas with the clear indictment are the direct voice. This is powerful.
You could actually enhance the impact of it by making the rhyming stanzas a little more obsequious in tone. And you don’t want to let the meter of those rhymes fall apart in the last stanza.
A ringing accusation against being mind-f**ked. Painful and vivid. Good job. Ouch.
Mizumichan54 reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem I can understand very well, but in different variations. But enough about that, we got that out of the way. I can imagine this playing out in my head so I know this is a good read. The images you paint on this poem are well written and thought out, I suppose you know what your writing, I guess good to know. Also, I feel like there’s a certain amount of pain weaved within this piece of poetry. Also another thing that is good. To tell you the truth I can’t really find something bad. It’s good but not great, it’s not bad but it’s good basically. I land neutral. Maybe it just needs different wording, or maybe the whole tears thing, it does add for effect, but it might get just a little old. Try rephrasing the other ones a little, it might do some good. Thank you, and good luck later on!
ashboo reviewed Version 1 -
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woah! vivid and complex! it seems that each line feeds beautifuly into the next. The only one that feels a little off to me is the one about “screwing your fingers into my head” I guess “screwing” is what really gets me, it doesn’t seem to fit with the slow quiet pain of the rest of it. I say quiet i mean in the use of words. slamming jamming killing and drilling are actually just gentler words to say than screwing. maybe just opinion. But this is very good.
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