Sakura was close to the beginning of the story. The sentence was ‘As the sakura resonated in the wind; a boy approached a house at the edge of town.’ I’m doing heavy editing on it, so you can read that once it’s complete if you want.
Novel Treatments / Pink Rose (Episode 1) (Analysis)
Glossary
bu•do 武道 (bū-dō; boo-doh) budo: Budo is the term for Japanese Martial Arts. It is often translated as “The Way of War”. This was established before the Meiji Restoration.
chan ちゃん (chän; chahn): Chan is an honorific term, used in Japan meaning little or my dear. This is often used for small children, or people who grew up together. If it’s used by adults who didn’t grow up together, it shows a sign of intimacy, less for women than for men.
do•jo 道場 (dō-jō; doh-joh) dojo: A dojo is a martial arts training hall.
GI 戯 (gē; gee): A GI is a uniform that a martial artist wears.
Ja•pan 学 (jə-pǎn; juh-pan) Japan: Japan is an East Asian island country located in the Pacific Ocean, east of China, and Korea, stretching from the Sea of Okhotsk in the north of the East China Sea in the south. It is composed of over 3,000 islands, the largest, of while, are Hokkaido, Honshu, Shikoku, and Kyushu. Many of Japan’s islands are mountainous, and many are volcanic; the highest peak is Mount Fuji. Japan is sometimes referred to as Nihon, and/or Nippon.
kan•ji 漢字 (kän-jē; kon-jee) kanji: Kanji are Chinese characters that are used in the modern Japanese logographic writing system.
Mai マイ (mī; mahy)
Na•ga•sa•ki 長崎 (nä-gə-sä-kē; nah-guh-sah-kee) nagasaki
Nagasaki Style: Fighting Karate 長崎流喧嘩空手: Also know as Nagasaki Style: Brawling Karate, Nagasaki Style: Fighting Karate is a fictional Martial Arts style used within the story. It consists of powerful, fast movements; great aerial strikes, and powerful ground-based attacks; making it an all around art. The Japanese name for the attack would be Nagasaki-ryu: Kenka Karate..
sa•ku•ra 桜 (sä-kər-rə; sah-koor-uh) sakura: Sakura is the Japanese word meaning Cherry Blossom. Actually, the word itself refers to the ornamental tree, and their blossoms.
sen•sei 先生 (sěn-sā; sen-sey) sensei: Sensei is an honorific term used in Japan for a professional.
shi•han 師範 (shē-hän; she-hon) shihan: Shihan is an honorific term, used in Budo, meaning Master. Sometimes, they’re called Hanshi. People have to be 9th, or 10th Dan to achieve this rank.
To•ky•o 東京 (tō-kē-yō; toh-kee-yoh) Tokyo: Tokyo is the capital of Japan. It is also one of 47 metropolises. It has a highly urbanized downtown area formerly known as “the Great City of Tokyo”. In the early 1900’s, it was formerly called Edo. It resides on the island of Honshu, which is the largest island in Japan.
Introduction arc
Episode 1: A stranger at the dojo! A challenger for Mai!
It was a clear, sunny afternoon in Tokyo, Japan. The end of summer grew near. As the sakura resonated in the wind; a boy approached a house at the edge of town. He wore a black, hooded-jacket; black jeans, and black tenna shoes. His finger gloves were blue. His outfit had golden trims on the sides. He walked to the entrance and knocked on the door. The house was white, and had a brown roof [1].
“Mai!” he yelled. No one answered. “Maybe she’s in the back,” he thought to himself.
He walked around the house and stumbled across another building. It was larger, brown building with a red roof.
“This must be the Nagasaki dojo,” he said to himself. “It’s a lot bigger than I thought.” He put his ear to the dojo door. Inside, he heard clatter. “Sounds like people are inside. Mai… I hope you’re ready.”
He kicked open the door. He saw numerous students and only one instructor. She was a tall, beautiful woman with long; black hair, tied into a ponytail. She wore a black GI and had a red belt around her waist. On her back, she wore the kanji for beauty 美. The kanji represented all she saw as beautiful and not only her [2].
The mysterious boy pointed his finger at the instructor. “Yo,” he said proudly. “Are you ready to perceive your defeat, Queen of Rats? In our last fight, you took me down easily, but I’m stronger now! So prepare yourself!”
The class stared at him, as did the beautiful instructor. She rose up.
“You seem rather confident; walking in here like you have chance of winning,” she said calmly. “But as the shihan of this dojo and having received second place on the National Budo tournament, I won’t back down.” She gave an innocent, yet sadistic smile. “I’ll go easy on you.”
The hood-wearing teenager gave her a smirked. “That over-confidence will be your downfall.” He curled one of his hands and placed it to his side. Then he extended his other in front of himself, with his palm facing to the left. Lastly, he arched his legs, lowering his body.
Mai watched with fascination. “I don’t know who you are, but you’ve obviously practiced Nagasaki Style: Fighting Karate.”
“Hmph…” the boy grunted. “Just shut up and fight!”
Mai’s students slowly walked to the back of the dojo, as the boy and Mai stayed in the front. They spoke among themselves.
“Mai-sensei’s gonna win this,” said a boy.
“Yeah,” agreed another.
“This is great,” said a girl.
“How come?” asked the first boy.
“Because this is one of those rare occasions we get to see Mai-sensei fight,” explained the girl. “She’s just so amazing…”
The two boys shook their heads in agreement and within seconds, silence filled the room.
Mai turned toward the boy, with a calm exterior. “You honestly don’t stand a chance. You should give up now. If not, you’ll regret it.”
The boy chuckled. “You can’t psyche me out with your idle threats.”
The lovely teacher stood there and closed her eyes. “I guess some have to learn the hard way.”
The boy smirked. “Enough talk. LET’S FIGHT!!” He charged toward her, throwing a punch.
The elegant teacher backed away before the blow could make contact.
He spun around, trying to strike with the back of his fist.
She blocked it easily and gave a little giggle.
Knowing that his strike would be stopped, he pulled away and threw a high kick.
She ducked under it as if it were nothing. While low, she noticed something about his movements. Something familiar… “His voice sounds exceedingly familiar and his movements are easy to read. I think he was telling the truth when he said we’ve fought before. His style somewhat resembles my own but it’s more reckless. He’s definitely not one of my students. There’s no way he could fight like me… unless… That’s it!” When her thoughts vanished, she grabbed his leg and flipped him over.
He was airborne only for a few seconds, but when those seconds ran out, he lands. He’d fell on his stomach. For a while, people thought he was unconscious. But they were sadly mistaken. He slow rose to his feet. Though he was able to stand; his body was unstable. His breaths could also be heard as he panted heavily.
Mai gave a playful giggle. “Had enough?”
“Not at all,” he said as he panted.
“He must’ve gotten stronger,” Mai thought to herself. “He’s not holding his abdomen.” She gave a sincere smile and spoke aloud. “You’re clearly outclassed… And you’ve used up too much energy… You should quit while you’re still ahead… Lei-chan. You’re embarrassing yourself [3].”
“How’d you know it was me,” he said a little displeased.
He flipped his hood back, so his face could be shown. He had a black ponytail and carefree brown eyes. To himself, he was just an average looking guy. But to many, especially women, they thought otherwise. His face had no markings, scars, or any other deformities. Too many, his face was perfect, but to be unaware of this fact was absurd. Though he’s never noticed, his sister has. Hearts filled the eyes of the female students as though they’ve seen an angel.
Mai sighed calmly, in disbelief as she dismissed her class. Her students reluctantly left.
Lei gave a nervous smiled. “Sorry about the trash talk. I didn’t want you to know it was me.”
“No need to apologize,” she said. “I had fun.”
Lei had a mystified look on his face. “What do you mean?”
She walked to a table and sat down. “The only way I get to fight is if I go to another dojo or spar with my assistant.”
“Assistant?” he asked as he grabbed a seat too.
“Yeah,” she said with a smile. “She’s a bit of a flirt, but she’s harmless.”
“That’s good to know,” Lei said laughing. “The girls at this dojo seemed a little giddy.”
Lei continued to laugh and looked at the door. He saw a girl with long pink hair, and blue highlights walking toward them. In the front of her head, she had a blue bang. She had on blue T-shirt with blue jeans.
“The only reason they were like that was because of you,” she said in an annoyed voice. She pointed her finger at him. “Mai-sensei… Who is this clown?!”
Side Notes
[1] Summer in Japan only lasts one month, which is ‘usually’ the month of August. Teachers’ presence are required during the students’ summer vacation. Within this story, it does take place in August.
[2] In Budo, they don’t emphasis on belts like the US. They have a special ranking system. Beginners start off as Ky•u 級 (kē-yū; kee-yoh) kyu. Kyu go backwards numerically, usually starting from 10. Kyu-level practitioners wear a white belt and hold a rank below the black belt. Kyu-level students are traditionally called mu•dan•sha 無段舎 (mū-dän-shə; moo-don-shuh) mudansha, which means ‘one without Dan’. Dan 段 (dän; don) is the rank of a black belt. To reach Dan, a mudansha must go up in rank (via. 10th Kyu, 9th Kyu, etc…).
Although most Western schools have some form of the kyū ranking system, the number and color can vary between schools. What seems to remain constant is that the lowest kyu wears a white belt, whereas the highest wears brown. Additionally, the majority of Japanese Martial Arts schools use ten ranks of kyū below black belt. A noteworthy exception is the majority of aikido schools, which use only six. Some schools, especially those that primarily teach children, will sometimes use many more. Each Kyu has a name.
10th Kyu Jū•kyu 十級 (jū-kē-yū; joo-kee-yoo) jukyu
9th Kyu Ku•kyu 九級 (kū-kē-yū; koo-kee-yoo) kukyu
8th Kyu Ha•chi•kyu 八級 (hä-chē-kē-yū; hah-chee-kee-yoo) hachikyu
7nd Kyu Na•na•kyu 七級 (nä-nä-kē-yū; nah-nah-kee-yoo) nanakyu
6nd Kyu Rok•kyu 六級 (rōk-kē-yū; rohk-kee-yoo) rokkyu
5nd Kyu Go•kyu 五級 (gō-kē-yū; goh-kee-yoo) gokyu
4th Kyu Yon•kyu 四級 (yən-kē-yū; yuhn-kee-yoo) yonkyu
3rd Kyu San•kyu 三級 (sän-kē-yū; sahn-kee-yoo) sankyu
2nd Kyu Ni•kyu 二級 (nē-kē-yū; nee-kee-yoo) nikyu
1st Kyu Ik•kyu 一級 (ēk-kē-yū; eek-kee-yoo) ikkyu
When they reach 1st Kyu, they go to 1st Dan. 1st Dan is a 1st degree black belt, so they stop wearing the white belt, and start wearing the black. Someone who becomes a 1st Dan has the option of furthering their training to become a 10th Dan (via. 1st Dan, 2nd Dan, etc…) practitioner. Much like Kyu, each Dan has a name.
1st Dan (1st Degree Black Belt) Sho•dan 初段 (shō-dän; shoh-don) shodan
2nd Dan (2nd Degree Black Belt) Ni•dan 二段 (nē-dän; nee-don) nidan
3rd Dan (3rd Degree Black Belt) San•dan 三段 (sän-dän; sahn-don) sandan
4th Dan (4th Degree Black Belt) Yon•dan 四段 (yən-dän; yuhn-don) yondan
5th Dan (5th Degree Black Belt) Go•dan 五段 (gō-dän; goh-don) godan
6th Dan (6th Degree Black Belt) Ro•ku•dan 六段 (rō-kū-dän; roh-koo-don) rokudan
7th Dan (7th Degree Black Belt) Na•na•dan 七段 (nä-nä-dän; nah-nah-don) nanadan
8th Dan (8th Degree Black Belt) Ha•chi•dan 八段 (hä-chē-dän; hah-chee-don) hachidan
9th Dan (9th Degree Black Belt) Kyu•dan 九段 (kē-yū-dän; kee-yoo-don) kyudan
10th Dan (10th Degree Black Belt) Ju•dan 十段 (jū-dän; joo-don) judan
Acquiring the rank Judan is different from obtaining other ranks. To rank 10th Dan, the practitioner has to win a tournament.
The highest dan ranks are sometimes reserved for the founder or leaders of a style and other high ranking students can only be promoted by them. This has led to upper level ranks becoming extinct in some arts. In other styles, the dan ranks are not the highest level you can attain, with instructor certification and judge authorization being understood as higher-level or more sophisticated.
When someone reaches 10th Dan, they can get a Men•kyo Kai•den 免許皆伝 (měn-kē-yō•kī-děn; men-kee-yoh•kahy-den) menkyo kaiden, which is a Japanese term meaning “license of total transmission”. This is a certification that means they’ve learned everything there is to know. Sometimes, the student can become the shihan of their very own dojo.
[3] Though his name is Lei, in Japanese, it’d be Rei (pronounced rā; rey). Both Lei and Rei use the same kanji.
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Reviews
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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His finger gloves were blue.- Fingered or fingerless? I was confused as to what you meant here.
“You seem rather confident; walking in here like you have chance of winning,”
You left out the “a” btween have and chance.
The hood-wearing teenager gave her a smirked.- Should be smirk not smirked.
but when those seconds ran out, he lands.- Be careful of the present and past tense changes.
There were more of these small errors, but nothing that won’t get picked up in edit.
I enjoyed the flow of the story, until it hit the footnotes. Though they were very informative, I think they could be shortened quite a bit. These will slow a reader down and force them to lose interest. Most will just skip past them.
I recently received a review from an editor who advised me to both tab, and close the gaps on my paragraphs. I did this and it gave my book more flow and clarity. You should try it.
Over all I found it very entertaining, and I hope to see more. Good luck, and thank you for posting.
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GeorgiaIreland reviewed Version 1 -
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It was ok… but sort of confusing. Like the relationship between the Sensei and the boy, and some of the words…I did not see the word “sakura” in the story… maybe it’ll be in there later? I did appreciate the explination of the ranking system, but I don’t really think it was all that nessacery.
Kayboo reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice background. I felt that I learned something there.
The chapter title makes me think of an anime for some reason.
I don’t see any grammar mistakes here. Must be my eyes, because I’m excited. This is one of the best stories I’ve ever read here. I love Japan!
Anyway, you may want to lose some of the spacing, because that makes it look kinda long. I had to scroll a lot to get to the end, you know!
I like it, and I want more!
The Red & Black Queen,
Kayboo
The_Bored_Poet reviewed Version 1 -
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Impressive, I must say, your writing is quite clear and easy to read, and the introductory Glossary (though I didn’t need it) and Side Notes are really well thought out and penned and very helpful. This looks really quite professional and well written and I like your basic episodic format and structure, very nice.
I could see this in a manga of sorts really, and the story is light and easy to read, I await the upcoming episodes with a slight interest (enough to friend you up so I can see the next episodes through the network directly).
Though I see the danger of the girl with pink hair becoming the cliched female antagonist who later becomes an object of affection and grudging comrade. It’s quite common. Don’t know if this is your intent.
As for your goals, sure, I suppose, though I wouldn’t know about the final one, this is the ONLY martial arts novel I’ve read on Urbis.
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this piece of writing. The martial arts action was described wonderfully and the small details you assign to the characters are endearing. I also learned some things. Here are some humble recommendations:
Don’t start with a weather report. Start with the tree and the boy and then slide setting details in as they are relevant to the action. Also, in the first few paragraphs the word “wore” is repeated three times, which is not a good technique for prose.
Here is an example of how you might revise the first paragraph:
“At the edge of town, a boy approached a white house whose brown roof basked in the clear sunshine of late summer near a sakura that jiggled in a stiff breeze. Gold trim shimmered on the sides of his otherwise uniformly black hooded sweatshirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. The knuckles of his blue-fingered gloves thumped flat against the front door’s dull, soft wood.”
“he thought to himself” is redundant. “he thought” is fine.
“hood-wearing” could be changed to “hooded.”
I hope some part of my review was useful to you.
CA reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece seems like an odd combination of fiction and research paper. Rather than including a glossary and footnotes, have you thought of weaving the information contained there into the story? It’s very difficult to stay in the flow of a story when the reader is scrolling down to read footnotes. As for the glossary, I read two items and skipped the rest. I won’t remember the laundry list when I’m reading the story anyhow.
There are also punctuation issues, I won’t waste space being too specific, but the first example is in the third sentence: As the sakura resonated in the wind; a boy approached a house at the edge of town. <- no semicolon, use a comma or period instead.
Also I wondered what a sakura was, but didn’t want to go back to the glossary to find out.
The dialogue is unrealistic. I wish I had a better way to say that. Try listening and maybe tape recording actual conversations, then transcribing them to get ideas for the flow and wording of dialogue.
All of this said, please don’t be discouraged. There’s definitely talent in your writing, keep it up!
jfmalewitz reviewed Version 1 -
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“As the sakura resonated in the wind; a boy approached a house at the edge of town.” The semicolon is not used right here. I struggle with it, too, punctuation that is. This is how I would write that sentence. As the sakura resonated in the wind, a boy approached at the edge of town.
“She was a tall, beautiful woman with long; black hair, tied into a ponytail.” Another improper use of a semicolon. “long, black hair”, write it like that.
“This is great,” said a girl.
“How come?” asked the first boy.
—-I liked the question raised, as questions should form the core of any story. This is simple, but I like it. Just work on developing your punctuation. You seem to like short, clear sentences, which is a good asset when used properly.
This is a unique telling, especially with the dictionary notes, as well as side notes. You seem to have put some work into this. Thanks for letting me read it.
the1truelegend reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting so far. I myself have studied Hsing I Chuan Gung Fu mixed with Ba Gua Gung Fu (Kung Fu) and Tai Chi Chuan for years. So I can relate to the story a lot more than others. I’m not sure what this story is about though. Brother and sister fight then a mysterious woman walks in and calls the brother a clown. Not too sure where it all is going but then again, the story is too short to reveal anything. I like how you included a glossary for those who have know clue about the Martial Arts world.
Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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This reads more like a possible screenplay than a novel treatment.
As such there is considerably more sidenote/footnotes than necessary. And very little action.
My first recommendation would be to tell your story here and flesh out your foot notes with the information sought by your readers. If you are writing a reference manual on Martial Arts with illustrative vignettes then leave this in its current form.
Your English is a bit awkward. If this is unintentional find someone willing to sit down and edit line by line with you (or prepare for some pricey reviews as Urbis reviewers aren’t shy to do so)
If it is intentional it is intentional, I for one found it a stumbling block to what little story line exists.
I look forward to following up and seeing if this piece transitions to a novel treatment or goes into another form altogether.
Still_Steve reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, starting off with a glossary isn’t a great way to start a first chapter. Maybe you could use footnotes instead with little (1)’s and (2)’s to indicate which footnote applied to which vocabulary word.
Also, in your glossary, you might want to explain some of them better. A few, which I knew personally, didn’t have definitions. Lots of people don’t know where Nagasaki is. Or even that it’s a place.
Okay, reading on, it looks like you used footnotes as well as the glossary. Most books include a glossary in the back. Perhaps you could find a way to slip explanations into the chapters in a subtle way, so people don’t get confused or have to constantly look stuff up.
Instead of spacing everything, consider removing the spacing and indent. It makes the text come together better and is, for most people, easier to read.
As far as your style and the content, it seems very informative and catches the eye. I see no problems with the actual meat of the story. It just needs some tweaking. Good luck continuing this. I enjoyed it.
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