thank you
Haiku/Senryu / untitled
been waiting to fall
your arms fake safe and secure
but you can not catch
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aliciatr reviewed Version 1 -
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Good emotion in such a small poem. I’d change line two to “your arms feign safety and strength.”
I’d love to read more haiku from you!
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Smintboyuk reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh, I relate to this. The partner says or feels they can support you when you need them most, but for some reason fails. If this is you falling, I wish you well.
Gunsaku reviewed Version 1 -
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I found the complexity to be exceptional!
metahaiku reviewed Version 1 -
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This evokes corporate retreat team-building exercises that never seem to work. Good making the reader think. -Overall 9-
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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I would change “can not” to “cannot”. This reminds me of one of those couples therapy things.
haikudo reviewed Version 1 -
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This 23 word review has not been unlocked.
ThomasAlan reviewed Version 1 -
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Good idea. I’m missing a bit of nature or sensory imagery, though. I hope they keep “popping up.”
Nblearchangel reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t like the word “fake” in line two. I originally read “your arms fake, safe, and secure” and I know that’s not what you were aiming for exactly. You wanted to say that “they fake the idea of being safe and secure.” Something like “look safe and secure” feels better, something along those lines. I just think it needs to be reworded. Also, line three feels awkward. It’s hard to explain, but it just feels awkward. Maybe hyphenate “can not” and add “me” on the end.
-me
filbert reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a human thing. The light shines, and the silhouette becomes clear, and one person moves on.
onlywish reviewed Version 1 -
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I want to like this haiku, but here is something that bothers me about it. The three words been, safe and but. Are the problem. If there is a way to replace them with more descriptive word That would show more then tell. would do it for me. I know this is not easy to do. I try everyday. Still waiting to find the perfect words. It is still a good haiku..
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Version 1
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