What parts were Jagged, specify.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Yummy Cave
Gendlo the albino rabbit stood in horror as the giant mantis loomed over him. It swayed from side to side, its scythe like claws coiled ready to strike. Even though Gendlo ran, he didn’t move. Even though Gendlo closed his eyes and put his paws over them he could still see. If only he hadn’t to pushed a rock and stopped the dandelion from growing. The mantis struck, recoiling with Gendlo in its claws. Gendlo could no longer move at all as the Mantis tore out his side with it’s mandibles. After a few seconds it was all over.
Gendlo awoke in his burrow. Warm sunlight poured in to the burrow beckoning Gendlo to a new day.
“I hate being a rabbit” he grumbled as he stretched his long legs and got up. He hopped to the edge of his burrow, squinted his red eyes in the sunlight. Birdsong rejoiced the new day in the grassy meadow as numerous flowers gave off their sweet scent. Gendlo yawned and hopped out of his burrow through the dewy grass. He looked over to a particular hill where the rabbits were congregating.
He tilted his head “That wasn’t there yesterday.”
Gendlo hopped over. The other side of the hill held a shallow cave lined with a strange bluegrass. The cave itself was like a crater, only slightly deeper and oval shaped. The blue grass was in the similar shape to the green variety, only it grew closer together. Rabbits crowded the cave, nibbling the blue grass and staining their muzzles with the “juice”. Those on the outside were trying to nose their way in or were nibbling the meager blades on the outside.
“What’s going on?” Gendlo asked.
A small brown rabbit, with little hope of getting in the cave, turned around.
“The grass in the Yummy Cave is sooo sweet! It’s sweeter than clover or any flowers, I had a taste and I want more!”
At this point Gendlo noticed that the little rabbit had a blue stain near his mouth.
“Aren’t any of you suspicious of a cave that just randomly appeared?” Gendlo asked.
The other Rabbits got somewhat peeved.
“It’s a Yummy Cave, there can’t be anything bad about it.”
“Yeah, the grass is so sweet!”
“You can’t tell us what to do!”
“You just want us to go away so you can have it all to yourself”
“I hope you get eaten!”
Gendlo sighed and hopped off to his favorite patch of clover.
“tch, Yummy Cave”
As he nibbled the sweet clover he watched from a distance as the other rabbits indulged. He sighed.
“No suspicion at all”
Soon the muddy walls of the Yummy Cave were bare. The rabbits hopped away sadly, some were even shedding bitter tears as they examined the walls for even the smallest blade. The others simply went about grudgingly grazing on the all-too-normal green grass around the cave.
Gendlo couldn’t help but smirk. He noticed a lady-bug resting on the edge of a blade of grass. Gendlo looked around then put his paw near the lady bug. Just as it crawled on Gendlo popped it into his mouth.
Morning came again. Gendlo found the Rabbits at the Yummy Cave again. The blue grass had grown back over-night. The group appeared to be slightly smaller.
“Looks like some of us are missing.”
The little brown rabbit turned around with a sigh.
“They were probably eaten or something, Are you coming for the Yummy Cave or are you just going to try to scare us away?”
Gendlo tilted his head
“I don’t know about that ‘yummy cave’’”
He flattened and unflattened his ears to indicate the quotations.
“It just seems too good to be true.”
“All the more for us” the brown rabbit smiled
Soon the cave was stripped bare once again.
That night Gendlo was awakened by rabbit scream from near the Yummy Cave. He raced out to the cave. Looking around he saw nothing unusual. The sky was clear with countless stars and the grass swayed gently in the breeze. Nothing unusual … except the cave was once again full of blue grass. Gendlo was curious as to how this blue grass tasted. He hopped up to the cave but his better judgment got the best of him.
“it’s too suspicious, I mean it doesn’t even seem to have anyway of being autotrophic”
Gendlo put a paw over his mouth and looked around to make sure no one heard him.
*
Morning came in a sad, overcast state with slight drizzle. Gendlo awoke from his burrow to once again find the rabbits in the Yummy Cave. However, this time there were enough rabbits just to fill the cave. Gendlo also noticed that the little brown rabbit was missing. He sat on top of the cave and called to the rabbits sitting on his hind legs while waving his front legs.
“Half of you are missing, don’t you even care!”
The Rabbits grumbled and ignored him. As Gendlo was climbing down the hill he noticed blood staining his paws. Looking through the grass he saw that there was a pool of blood saturating the soil where he sat.
“There’s blood on this hill!”
Gendlo showed his bloody paws. The other Rabbits cast only a sideways glance.
“You just did that to yourself!”
“Go away!”
He hopped away muttering.
“Ignorant fools, they don’t even care”
Another sunny morning came to find the Yummy Cave full of blue grass and rabbits eating it. Gendlo came over to the cave.
“Have none of you noticed there’s only a quarter of us left?”
A large grey rabbit stopped nibbling and turned to Gendlo.
“Look! Rabbits get eaten all the time!”
“But not this fast! Something’s going on and I think it has something to do with the Yummy Cave”
The Grey rabbit reared up.
“I’ve had enough from you, one more word and I’ll tear your ears off!”
Gendlo sped off.
Out of curiosity Gendlo decided to visit the burrows of the rabbits that went missing. Visiting burrow after burrow he found nothing out of the ordinary, just droppings. However he came to one burrow to find a bunch of newborns crying for their mother.
“Hmm, a mother wouldn’t leave their babies… unless, Anne, You Idiot!”
That night Gendlo kept watch from his burrow. All at once: the burrows of the remaining rabbits became bright with blue light. They hopped out of their burrows, veins glowing blue through their fur. Gendlo rushed after them and followed them to the bare Yummy Cave. He watched as all the rabbits gathered into the Yummy Cave. When all were in, the cave closed like a big mouth. There were some muffled screams that were quickly silenced. There was an audible swallowing noise and the cave opened back up.
Gendlo hopped onto the hill and prodded a point with his muzzle. A blue slit-eye opened up and glanced at him as he yelled.
“Anne! You’re three weeks late! Where were you? Do you know what a pain it is to be a Rabbit? You have to clean your fur, you can only eat vegetation and just about everything larger wants to eat you!”
The hill stirred and the grass disintegrated reveling the creature beneath. She had iridescent skin and a massive head that opened into a huge mouth (formally known as the “Yummy cave”) with a blue-slit eye on either side. The body was slender and there were two large tubes at the end that ended in a trumpet-like fashion. It blinked and spoke.
“I couldn’t help myself! The bunnies here are sooo sweet!” The creature said.
Gendlo reached into his ear and yanked a small metal ball out.
“We’re here to research them, not eat them, do you know how much trouble we could get in?” Gendlo said as his fur fell out and his skin turned green.
The creature began to cry with big tears coming down.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself, you know what I’m like.” The creature said as the back of her head opened up like a pair of eyelids, revealing her massive red brain. She was now sobbing bitterly.
By then Gendlo had turned into a green, bug-eyed blob with a massive Jaw. He leaned against the creature and spoke in a softer voice.
“It’s all right, I forgive you. I admit I’ve been eating bugs’”
The creature calmed down.
“Well, I guess we’re even”
Gendlo flubbed over to the brain and disappeared between the lobes. The creature’s head closed up.
“Let’s just go home, I’m driving” Gendlo said.
The creature’s tubes emitted a blue light within as she hovered into the sky. Gendlo and his Bio-ship disappeared into the night sky.
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dalost1 reviewed Version 1 -
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davet reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent fun.
It is a bit of a cheat though – you introduce Gendlo as a rabbit. It could be more honest to talk about Gendlo washing his rabbit ears, and stroking his rabbit whiskers and stuff, without stating that he is a rabbit. ‘cos he isn’t.
You ask about mistakes – only one sprang out “If only he hadn’t to pushed a rock and stopped the dandelion from growing” This didn’t make sense, I guess you revised part of the sentence…
The only bit of the story I didn’t like was the description of the creature(s) I just could not picture them. (Oh just spotted another – revealing – has an a in it.
Summary – I liked it.
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Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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That was different, I havent read a story from a rabbits perspective in years.
Allthough I would say I usually go for the much harder core type of read, this kept my interst. The rabbits though foolish and hungry, seemed like rabbits would, were they able to talk.
Glendo, and the indication that he wasnt really a rabbit had a good impact after the story was read.
The entire premise was enjoyable enough. There were a few parts that were jagged and could have used some different wording to smooth things out.
But all in all its was a suprisingly good piece of writing.
Good luck
Gavinswar
NunieWeb reviewed Version 1 -
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artattackz reviewed Version 1 -
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ohh, I love spotting errors- If only he hadn’t to pushed a rock- okay but the story was good, I got sucked in and forgot to.
very ‘doctor who’ in style -keep at it for polish. I think there should be more banter and repercussions for the ‘anne’ ship. If you are describing alternate worldly things we need loads of adjective, please, because we need to reference the new idea to our worldly brains
KPP reviewed Version 1 -
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Bizarre. An interesting story. I liked the imagery of the rabbit eating the bug.
A couple of places that don’t work.
“If only he hadn’t to pushed a rock and stopped the dandelion from growing.”
And I’m not sure autotrophic is the right word for the blue grass, or maybe Gendlo needs to go into a bit more detail about it?
I feel it could flow better with a bit of “fleshing out”.
SanityDreamer reviewed Version 1 -
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annana reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not entirely certain what sort of critique you were after. The story itself didn’t do a lot for me.
I understand by the end why your rabbit has a name, but certainly find it odd at the beginning when one rabbit is named and all other creatures are only “the small brown rabbit” or “the mantis”.
I’m really uncertain what the point was in starting with the dream sequence. Dreaming doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the story, and all the distortions (a mantis big enough to lift a rabbit, running without moving, etc) create a sense of unreality I believe works against your story. Why create a situation where the reader distrusts the information they are given?
The fact that Gendlo wakes up and says “I hate being a rabbit” just makes it more difficult to suspend disbelief. Most people might say “I hating having to go to work” or even “I hate my life” but not “I hate being a human being.” Gendlo saying this just distances him from even “normal talking rabbit” behaviour.
_If only he hadn’t to pushed a rock and stopped the dandelion from growing. _ – This doesn’t make sense, nor does it relate to anything anywhere in the story.
_Birdsong rejoiced the new day in the grassy meadow as numerous flowers gave off their sweet scent. _ – “Birdsong is not a subject that can “rejoice” a day. I’ll also suggest you watch for using words like “numerous” which are not really sensually descriptive. “Flowers of all colours and shapes” or describing a few different flowers even briefly is much better.
_The cave itself was like a crater, only slightly deeper and oval shaped. _ – A crater is not a cave. It is a bowl-shaped valley with a raised rim.
The “simple” style, “Gendlo did this. Glendlo did that. The next day, Gendlo did…” gets tiring quickly, and you really need to tell it more like a children’s fairy-tale, or develop a bit of character depth, especially as you only have one character for 90% of the story.
Otherwise, it’s “okay”. The weird things like a rabbit eating a ladybug, or using complex words and concepts like autotrophic, just don’t work well without some context. They are just odd, rather than creating a sense of mystery, and it is hard for the reader to know if they are intended oddities, or just something odd about the writing.
The dialogue is fair.
I think in the end, you could just leave it with a shock and the basic understanding that Gendlo and Anne are aliens, without the very fanciful bits about hinged skulls and feet that turn into rocket exhausts.
Cort reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a little bit confusing. I’m guessing Gendlo is some kind of scientist, a researcher, but the fact that something brand new in the environment shows up without explanation does nothing more than cause some suspicion.
I do understand what is trying to be done by dropping the word “autotrophic” into the piece, but I think that could be better conveyed if you dropped more words along the way, hinting at his superior intelligence.
As for mistakes, in the first paragraph you say “If only he hadn’t to pushed a rock,” which threw me off. The rest of it seemed mostly free of typos and such.
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi, Two sentences sounded a bit off:
If only he hadn’t pushed a stone.
Was awakened by the sound of a rabbit scream.
Your story is written very colourfully, plenty of imagery for the reader.
Your bunny character Gendlo was likeable – you feel his concern is genuine until you mention Anne.
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