Poetry / Sisters

Two women of marble
Bound by blood
Separated by time
Kneeling together

Bound by blood
Hands caressing the younger
Kneeling together
Sharing their sorrow

Hands caressing the younger
The elder’s chest to her back
Sharing their sorrow
While the pale moon watched

The elder’s chest to her back
Lined tattoos on her stomach
Sharing their sorrow
Silver hooked the younger’s brow

Lined tattoos on her stomach
Eyes cast to the watery floor
Silver hooked the younger’s brow
Dark braids caressed both faces

Eyes cast to the watery floor
Separated by time
Dark braids caressed both faces
Two women of marble

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Reviews

March 27, 2007

orlandoviana

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
15	100.0% (1 votes)	16.7%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	M	Brazil	April 03

orlandoviana reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

There are in fact some metaphors which are clichés or common sense. Run away from those! I mean, “pale moon” is too ordinary, don’t you think? what about “cottoned moon”, for example?

And I think you sometimes get lost in these metaphors. Simple words in adequate way may be much more useful and cause a good impression.

Keep it up!

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March 27, 2007

kenbur1222

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
245	70.2% (47 votes)	20.0%

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33	M	Ontario, CA	September 12

kenbur1222 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

Wiktionary has no entry for “pantoum”. What is it? Or is it a misspelled something else?
I might rate this much higher if I could learn what form this piece is designed to fit. You can edit the introduction, so please do.

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
130	84.0% (25 votes)	38.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	F	Canada	August 21

March 26, 2007

CharlieMack

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
54	100.0% (9 votes)	18.6%

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26	M	Las Vegas, NV	October 27

CharlieMack reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

I got a visual picture but I didn’t get the point. Sorry.

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
130	84.0% (25 votes)	38.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	F	Canada	August 21

March 24, 2007

NemutaiKun

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
37	100.0% (5 votes)	21.3%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	M	Fayetteville, NC	April 12

NemutaiKun reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is the first poem of this type that I have ever read, and I definitely think it’s fantastic! The image is easy to picture because of your excellent descriptions. The pattern is catchy. Great Work!