Hey thanks… I appreciate it. In truth, it originally began as an anti-AOL diatribe. but it seemed the more I wrote, the wider my brush became…
Thanks again.
Short Story / You've Got Mail (Analysis)
You Have Mail
or;
Wrestling With My Inner Conscience
“Do you really think you should write anything while you’ve been drinking this much?”
“How will they know? Besides, a lot of writers wrote when they were drunk. A lot of good writers were alcoholics.”
“And by that same token, a lot of good writers were gay, if I must remind you.”
“Hey, don’t play the homophobe card. And Burroughs was a junkie; should I go out and get some heroin?”
“I wasn’t playing the homophobe card, Ace; I can’t help it if you’re particularly sensitive to that issue.”
“Please, I’m trying to write.”
“So, what are you going to compose—another of your lewd cliche’ filled pieces of so-called “erotica”?
“Hey! I’m not bad at it. And the readers of ‘so-called erotica’ want those cliches. I’m serious. Once, I wrote something like ‘she whispered soft sensuous urgings into his ear’. Some guy wrote me demanding to know what she said. Subtle doesn’t play very well to that crowd.”
“I always thought you were better at writing humor.”
“So did I. But I got bored with it. I wanted to do something different. Then I write something, and a guy with an America Online address tells me there’s “nothing there”. Like he would know. I’ve never respected anyone with an AOL address. It speaks of laziness and ineptitude. But that’s just me… perhaps I’m biased.”
“You should go easy on the AOL addresses. Why are you so hard on them, anyway?”
“Because they clog up the ‘Net. They waste bandwidth. Teen girls talking about the merits of whatever the name of the latest boy band is. And from what I’ve heard, cybersex isn’t exactly an occasional thing there as well. ‘You have mail’, my ass.”
“Perhaps you should write about the decline of Western civilization due to the diminution of the morals of its youth.”
“Naaw. It’s not as if bad ethics are exactly a new phenomenon. Incest, pedophilia, and rape have been around for quite a long time now. Same with dishonesty and murder. And it’s not like adultery is a new thing.”
“What would you like to discuss then?”
“Beats the bejeezus out of me; I’m drunk, remember? Perhaps I could talk about the sense of self-importance that some people seem to feel here. I mean, it’s only a bloody writers’ group. One out of a little over 5,000 on my server. Writer’s groups, by their very character, tend to be narcissistic. You post. People respond. To you. Hell, that’s what drew me to them. I mean, this writer’s group is supposed to be about literary pursuits; perhaps I’m dim, but I haven’t seen much of anything that I would call literary pursuits here. A few, but not many. What I’ve seen is self-involved scrawling… but hey, like I said… maybe I’m dim.”
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Rebecca_Reece reviewed Version 1 -
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EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Speaking of “self-involved scrawling”...
Seriously, this is humourous and well-written, but it does seem to be self-indulgent. Your audience is a bit limited – urbis and other on-line writing groups, which doesn’t bode well for “publishable”. The dialogue is fun and smooth, but the characters are 2-dimensional. Who are they? You give us no information about them other than their utterances. No descriptions, gestures, histories? There’s no real development to this either. Itseems as if it were written for a lark, but then you have goals like “publish” and “agent”. I think if you’re serious about publishing this piece, you need to rework it with a real audience in mind.
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Deacon_Eddie reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. Nice little rant, inner dialoge, whatever. It feels like I was walking by 2 people conversing and picked up this snipit of the conversation. Talk about narcissistic though, Jeez! Tongue in cheek maybe? Cute.
Bartleby reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a pretty funny piece to put on a writer’s website, especially for the crack at the end. Yeah…yeah you’re right.
Well, if I were you, the first thing I’d do is scrap the “You’ve Got Mail” title. Overused, and immediately made think you were going to start talking about Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Or maybe I like chick flicks too much.
Secondly, and the most pertinent issue, is this doesn’t come off as a natural conversation to me. Even if it’s supposed to be you talking to yourself in your mind , it should still give the reader a feeling that they’re listening to two people talk. This is why I had a hard time seeing it as natural: I couldn’t imagine the characters of them, I could only imagine you writing them. I couldn’t tell if these two “people” were close with each other, if they were intelligent people, passionate people, uneducated people but with a lot of passion? I don’t know. They’d say things like “Naaww,” and “bejeezbus,” but also use clever syntax and 25 cent words like “diminution,” and it doesn’t quite settle well. It made me feel like you were just making a point, instead of hiding your point in the middle of a conversation.
There were lots of parts in this piece that I thought were solid gold. “Self-involved scrawling” was genius, “it’s not as if bad ethics are a new phenomenon,” and “cybersex isn’t an occasional thing.” Great. I loved it.
You’re clearly an experienced and interesting writer. I’d say, if you make this more realistic and reflective of real people, whether it’s supposed to be or not, I would totally love this. Good work, keep it up.
Moontan reviewed Version 1 -
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Oooo, risky. This is a writing group of sorts, isn’t it? I’m almost wondering what you would say about my work? Am I narcissistic and unliterary as well? ;)
Sometimes straight dialogue is ineffective and dull. Not so in this case. The characters say enough to give a sense of who they are; hair color and height and age aren’t really important to the point of the piece.
You go through several good points, from the flaws of writers (alcoholism) to slamming AOL (which is funny to me) and the question of whether the world has gotten more inethical or just covers it up less.
And you end with the ironic slamming of these writing groups, which we are presently in.
I love it.
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