Poetry / Last Request

I’m sorry, but the end of your review caused me to burst out laughing ”...then maybe we might agree you should die alone.”

It just struck me as very funny.  Well, the thing is that everyone has shame, so why must one go into detail?

Anyway, our opinions differ quite a bit.  As I explained to someone else, the process of dying, to me, is so personal and so private, that I equate it to other bodily functions.  I don’t want someone watching me go the bathroom, I don’t want someone to watch me die.

I didn’t mean to make fun of you, I meant it more as helping us in your poem convince us of this need by showing us why you feel this need to die alone rather than just telling us so. You’ve done a great job in the comment to me of telling me more than you have in the whole of the peom and that is satisfying to the reader, if you get my point. the reader needs something to help him justify your version of reality, and not just by telling him, but explaining and showing so he can both identify and empathize with your point of view even if his is different. Good poem though.

Oh I didn’t think you were making fun of me.  I laughed. All’s good. I don’t get enough laughs from my reviews.

I can see where you are coming from, though.  There is a lot of vagueness, but I do not mean to make this poem my life story or a tribute to why I’m a horrible human.  I wrote this poem to focus on what it focuses on, without a detour into why I am this way, just that I am.

I would also make the same suggestion about throwing alone up onto the previous line, but I put it by itself to further represent the word – alone.  Just a bit experimental with that, really.  Otherwise, yes, this is a very honest poem.

Hmm, I could make this more emotional, but I want a certain refined dignity and aloofness in the tone of the poem.  As for introducing a spirituality later on in the poem, I don’t want to scare people off by starting too spiritual.  I would rather let it gradually creep in.

Thank you very much.  A lot of the people I face-to-face discussed this poem with also liked the ‘paradise or prison’ line as well as the ‘flesh undresses my spirit’.  I guess what I really want to say here is that it is such a personal experience, almost private, full of demeaning and undignified bodily functions, that I would not want someone to watch it – and to feel I was being watched while going through my last crisis.  I think death is really personal, and because people can’t go through it with us, why pretend that they can?  It’s something one probably should be willing to face alone… but these are just thoughts that drift through my mind.  My opinion may change, but as it is right now, this is how I see it, and how I feel.  Thank you for your comment, and I am pleased that you found the depth in this.

Hmmmm the first line is weak or too redundant you suppose?  I always felt it was sort of the hook or thesis of my poem (here you are talking about how poetry is about feeling, which I agree being a writer of it, but then I go on about structure as if it were an essay -.-) Aye, I am also aware of the whole ‘fless’ thing, and many more people will point it out I suppose, but I hate making a new version just because of one typo.  I’m waiting for when I finalize any other changes I may make.  Anyway, thank you very much for the review, and again, I agree, some people get too critical on the structure of the poem and forget it’s about feeling, ideas, or perspectives.

Thank you very much for your comment.  I know it isn’t emo, but like I said, somewhere, in a comment elsewhere, that sometimes just the words ‘die alone’ in the same sentence send up ‘emo’ flags.  A lot fo emo people, or those labelled as such, may go on and on moping of how they will die alone, or say they will and just on’t care because it if their burden to be alone in the world. <.< Anyway, best end that rant.  This poem wasn’t originally recieved well in a certain circle of people, but I don’t think they read the entire poem. It didn’t help that the original title was “Dying Alone” either.

Hmm, but the poem is centered around the thoughts of whom is surely going to pass away.  I might take the suggestion and write about the actual process, or my interpretation (or muse) of what would happen after, but preferrably as a separate poem.  I like to try and keep this particular poem in that moment it captures, in that mindset it analyzes. If you think of it, death isn’t always so much saddenning as humbling. You are usually brought down to earth before you are lifted away from its coporeal clutches.  How many people, on their death bed, suddenly saw clearly and realized so much, and came to acknowledge their small part in the big picture, but all the same, their important part to the pieces around them?

Well that’s embarassing.  ’Fless’ was a typographical error I missed in my proofreads.  That is supposed to be ‘Flesh’.  I am fairly new to Urbis and have yet to figure out how to edit minor problems like that….

unfortunately you have to do a new version to do minor edits…that makes sense now. i really did enjoy this piece.

Hmm I have to upload an entirely new version to just fix that one mistake?  Hmmm, I think I’ll hold off on fixing it for a while, in case while I’m at it, there are any other changes which I decide to make.

can’t blame ya there.

I can’t remember what i thought ‘fless’ meant, but my brain assumed it to be a word and afixed a meaning to it. Lol. That’s embarrassing (when i don’t recognise words, or am unsure, i look them up…get educated while i’m here kinda thing…)
Dammit Brain!
Ok, ‘flesh’. Thanks.

Yes, flesh.

I too am embarassed by that…I didnt even think to question it….Well thank god someone had the balls to ask…lol!

Oh it’s alright.  It was just a typo, not some obscure word you didn’t know. I COULD make it an obscure word you didn’t know, though!

lol apparently everyone had the same issue and i brought it to the surface. did you know that Shakespeare created most of the english language by making a word in his poetry. just food for thought.

Yes, I did knew that.  However, it’s harder to make up words, what with standard english useage, and officialy dictionaries being distributed.  You can’t argue with anyone who has a Webster that a word you use is really a word just because you made it up and gave it a meaning. <.< Otherwise, I should like to invent words.

Heh heh Scrabble would never be the same again…
Maybe you should leave it as “fless” and add it into your Websters?
Good ol’ Billy. He had it easy back before possession of dictionaries en masse.

Indeed, he did have it easy. I constantly make up new words, or new ways to conjugate (is THAT EVEN THE RIGHT WORD?) already existing words.

A lot of slang has made it into certain editions of dictionaries – maybe if you’re insistent enough people will just have to accept.
I think conjugate is the right word, yeah.

Hmmm so now what should fless mean I wonder?

hmmm context.. lemme see…oh boy that could get someone in trouble lol

In trouble you say? Oh dear oh my! puts a hand in front of her mouth

lol, you know i love that. some would have took offense when i meant it to be funny.

Well, it’s hard to find something that is both funny and inoffensive to a large group of peolpe.  I tend to skirt away from blatantly being offensive for laughs, but I have my moment.

me too, and this was one.

Not 100% understanding the funniness…but lol…’cos it’s nice to see a discussion continuing so well.

Ah yes, more people need to utilize this feature of Urbis!

i think we could sell it to ‘em:
‘Sex jokes without people refunding credits. Do it, do it now!’

Humm hooo ummm NO!

Did I ever mention I am of a prudish nature?

Nope.
Did i ever mention i sell offensive, filthy-minded T-shirts?
Let’s be friends. 10% discount.

Lol. Sorry. If your above remark is
genuine, just let me know by a hiss of shut TF up and i will.

I wouldn’t even say that.  I also don’t ever swear, or use acronyms that imply swearing.  I’m as straight as they come.

Except for the fact I think other girls are much more aesthetically pleasing.

But I’m still straight.

When it comes to sexual content I’m a prude.  Comes to morbid or bloody and gorey stuff, I’m usually fine.

I have great admiration for people who are able to express extremes of emotion etc. without swearing, but am yet to completely conquer my own swearing habits. So, yay you.
Selectively prudish? Interesting.

Oh yes, definately selectively prudish.

I find that the impact behind certain supposedly ‘strong words’ are going downhill because of the over use of them.  Also, the F word has been refitted to be any sort of word.  People use it as a noun “You dumb F!”, a verb “Go F a tree!”, an adjective So Fing awesome!”, and exclaimation, “F*! THAT HURT!” .... I’m sure there are more ways people have used it, so it has sort of become a shapeless word with ambiguous meaning,m although the route of the meaning is to fornicate using carnal knowledge.

I’m a prude – no matter what my hat says!

lol. ok and what’s wrong with being a prude?