Poetry / The Suicide That Never Was

Looks like a good poem to me.  I thought the meter was skewed a touch when i counted an exra syllable on the last line, but that just made me notice it was a 7-8-7-8 meter.  You handle your subeject and subject matter both very well.  I would definitely like to see few variations to this form, since it is so short.  Like, make it 7-syllable-lines with syllables 3,5, and 7 accented in each line, or a true iambic tetrameter – one of my favorite forms.  Also, in addressing your rhyme scheme, there is little difference between what you have here, and adding a line break between lines 2 and 3.  If you switch to a more complex rhyme scheme, like ABAB, or ABBA, it would remove the single interruption in flow that this poem has.  ANY way that you can make the rhyming more complicated and it still says the same thing would be an improvement, since a lot of the value of this poem lies in it’s rhyme.  Using feminine rhyme, internal rhyme, and possibly even expanding this terrific short piece to give yourself some room to play with it.  If you can make this into a pantoum, i will love you forever.

Butterat Zool.

The is creatively written, and I really liked it. I think you should try and make it longer.

I really like the rhyme in here. If I could have my way, i’d want more information. there is obviously a story here, and this piece kind of leaves the reader wondering where the rest is. short works are great-it’s yours-I just think it’s a bit lacking.

I really like this, but if the suicide never was what happened to the other? or did you mean to imply that the one sitting can’t commit to suicide?

• add/view comments (2)

January 17, 2008

by evolvetoday

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	0.0% (0 votes)	37.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
32	F	Pompano Beach, FL	January 17

I think the best way for me to describe this is it pretty much about someone who killed themselves “internally or emotionally” a long time ago.  Essentially they have committed suicide but never died.

January 17, 2008

by Sparkles

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
488	76.2% (101 votes)	26.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	F	Colorado Springs, CO	March 28

ah, I see

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

this is an interesting poem, must say. i think the shortness of the poem works very well. it is quite powerful and the short words, sentences make the poem amazingly spirited. you’ve used good words and i really like the way you’ve connected these words together – “sitting in your favorite chair” sounds incredible intense and i just love that sentence. it’s very herculean if i may say.

the ending is brilliant. the whole poem is anxious yet beautiful and staggeringly breath-taking. the first and the last sentences just are magnificent. they work very well and make the reader feel the emotions that the narrator is experiencing.

i’m not quite sure if i like the title of the poem. the title was intriguing and i was kinda skeptical about the poem after reading the title. that’s just my opinion.

The problem with the piece is that there is no clue for the reader as to who the poem is addressing.  It seems to be someone close to the writer, but that could be anyone.  There is not enough information to show the reader what is happening, what did happen, and what will happen.

Short and depressing, to the point, and it’s still got a slight air of mysticism. My sister was kind of like this at one point and I probably would have been better talking to the wall rather than her, thank God she’s better now, though.

But I like this. In it’s simplicity it is at it’s best.

• add/view comments (1)

January 17, 2008

by evolvetoday

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	0.0% (0 votes)	37.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
32	F	Pompano Beach, FL	January 17

I am so happy that somebody fully understood this piece.  Thank you!

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.