Poetry / Born into the Grave

I like it. It’s got a creepy feeling to it, but then it’s hopeful at the same time. I could definitely see why this would win you something at your school.

The only thing that bothered me about this poem was when you used the word ‘begun’ when it should have been ‘began’. I know you probably did that for rhyming purposes, but began would have flowed nicely as well.

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August 13, 2008

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

ahh thank you, I hadnt picked that mistake up

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This has lovely rhythm and rhyme and I don’t mind the short lines, read Kaye Ryan, she’s a master of them. But the meaning of Born into the Grave somehow alludes me at the beginning as we are not formed from dust and ashes but are conceived in a womb, so I’m not sure what the metaphor or symbolism is. The phoenix rises from his ashes to be born again and if that is the symbolism I think is should somehow be referenced in the poem. For though it is written well what does it actually mean, that part? The rest is wonderful. We are all dying moment by moment, we just don’t know when that final moment will be.

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August 10, 2008

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

Thank you, it means a lot to hear that from you. As for the meaning of the poem, it actually reffers to the biblical creation of man, when adam was created from dust and (sometimes reffered to as) ashes. Shakespeare reffered to this aswell in Hamlet with the line “quintesence of dust”, reffering to the human body.

Also, on a deeper level, this poem is about the nature of the human soul. Through the course of the poem I creat an individual with words, bit by bit, and then deconstruct them, symbolising the continuum of creation to death. BUT there is only one feature of the individual that I dont deconstruct at the end, and that’s the soul. I didnt expect anyone to pick up on this, but wanted to put it in anyway. I wrote that to mean that, yes, we die, but that’s not necissarily the end. Im religious =P

Anyway, thank you very much for your kind review; as I said, it means a lot

August 11, 2008

by Willow_Wren

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63	F	Germantown, NY	November 03

Thank you for the in depth explanation, I appreciate it! :)

August 13, 2008

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

No problem at all

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I really enjoyed the overall poetry of this piece, it’s no wonder you won!  It captures the essence of what we are, how we begin and with the single beat I am in awe to imagine something I never thought about before.

Then you go into the things that affect us as not only we grow, but as we develop.  Brilliant work!

You should submit for publication without a doubt!  It is ready.

Thank you so much for this very special and beautiful piece, it is by far the best I’ve seen here!

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June 18, 2008

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

Thank you VERY much for your VERY kind words. I believe you even managed to make me blush =)

June 18, 2008

by sadpoet

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100	F	United States	November 19

AWE…beautiful.  Don’t ever lose that attribute, it’s what makes the world go round!

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So true in meaning.

The piece could be made so much stronger if the right ryming words could be placed here.

“The lives of others
To intertwine, to
Meet, connect and collide
With mine.”

But I really like it, and the begining and ender are strong.

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March 28, 2007

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

Thanks for the kind words! Yeah, I get the feeling that there are a couple places that could be improved.. but I don’t know if I could do it without completely gutting the piece which would give it a whole different feel

April 18, 2007

by Elf

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22	F	Canada	November 21

I understand that compleatly, some poems if thay are good enough can still have a few flaws and blow the mind.

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I Really like this! Both visceral and tender language used to effect; great imagery through either end of the spectrum. Only criticism would be the structure between lines 13 – 20. Like what you’re trying to create, but it breaks up the flowing ‘dreamlike’ rhythm. Your critism of the rhyming pairs was slightly self-depreciating; so many people try to achieve this style to the detriment of the content. As mentioned, I felt it worked. Keep going!

I really like this, I have tried writing poetry for years but never could write one this good. I think that the words flowed very well, though the format of the actual poem I think could be a bit better. Also this line “I was destined to, And begun to, die.” I dont particularly care for. It just dosent flow as well as the rest of the poem. Then again I’m far from being an expert on poetry, so I’m probably not the best person to listen to. Still, I really liked it and think you should definately keep at it.

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March 09, 2007

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

I agree completely.. I’ve never liked the way that line flowed but I had no clue how to fix it and it’s the turning point of the poem and is necissary.. so, until I find a way to fix it, it has to stay

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I liked your poem. Particularly the cyclical approach to life. I feel like it would be to your benefit to include more literary tools such as metaphors, similes, and imagery. One of my favorite literary devices are paradoxes. Your last line is a great paradox, “Born into the grave.” I think it is the best one in your entire poem.

Don’t worry about the short lines, this is your creation and if you want one word per line that is your prerogative.

Keep up the writing!

I think it would be more interesting either to give a realistic description of conception, gestation and birth or to invent your own metaphor rather than using the ‘dust and ashes’. It’s overused, when a reader reads ‘dust and ashes’ it’s not even a metaphor because it’s so obvious, your eyes just skim over it.

Also, I don’t find alot of emotion or insight in this poem; it’s a fact that we’re all going to die, but all you do is state that fact and little else. How do you feel about death? Is it important to you or not? Maybe you could reverse the whole poem and say that death is the beginning of life, that might be fun.

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March 09, 2007

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

It’s nice to get a different view. I actually wanted the conception and gestation to not seem realistic; I wanted to make it seem more like the person was being carefully constructed. The reason I used the term “dust and ashes” was to go with this. You see, I’m a christian and I used that as a refference to where the term was first used to kind of give the reader a sense of WHO was making the character.

As for how I feel about death. Im not scared of it; I feel it’s a natural part of life BUT being a Christian, I believe our soul lives on.. which is why the soul was the only thing I didn’t deconstruct in the ending.

Thanks for your input :)

March 10, 2007

by Squigglesy

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21	M	United Kingdom	September 09

Yes, but my point is that the ‘dust and ashes’ isn’t a new view. I’m not making a criticism of any religion, it’s just that certain images from the Bible are over-used, and I don’t think it expresses your individuality.

March 11, 2007

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

Yeah, I agree that it’s cliched.. but cliched or not, I didn’t use it the way cliches are used; I didn’t just use it because it sounds cool or because it’s something that’s said, I had a purpose for using it and it was the only way I could think of to achieve my purpose

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I’m impressed with how well this flows since you say that it isn’t you usual style. The flow of it drew me in from the first few lines and kept me there until the end. In general I feel the concept of death begining simultaneously with life is a bit cliche, but you did a good job of putting it in a way that seemed new and made me think twice.

i give this a 10!  i love the point of view you wrote from.  its so down to earth and is full of meaning and life.  it makes me think of an indian with the mentioning of sinew.  and its very meaningful in a way that we’re born and then eventualy we die.  i love this piece!  your a very talented writer!  keep up the good work!  never stop writing!

~SarahJane

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March 09, 2007

by Static

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21	M	Australia	November 20

Wow, thanks a lot :)

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