Jordan, that criticism of the “well”s made a lot of sense to me. I’ve cut them out. Thanks for the positive review and helpful advice.
Short Story / Strip Her Down
“Now I’ll be hot-damned if this old carousel ain’t lasted too long here anyways…” Al grumbled, looking it over as Miles tied his boot.
“She’s as old as old grandma, and I bet when we take her down, we gonna see them gears are just as toothless too.” The scent of roasted nuts still haunted the air as the last of the patrons filed out the entrance gate.
“Now we only got one or two hours of sunlight left before quittin’ time, but I do believe we can get all them pretty little ponies off the old girl, finish strippin’ her down tomorrow, and have the Mind Scrambler up an runnin’ ‘fore the weekend rolls in.” Satisfied with his own synopsis of their situation, Al jangled the switchbox keys from his pocket and started walking. Miles, although finished tying the laces, continued kneeling to better admire the way the setting sunlight bounced off a slick of engine grease. With a click, the familiar hum of the carousel lights abruptly quit. Miles snapped out of his little daze, rising to greet a scornful glare from Al.
“Dammit boy, you ain’t got nothin’ rollin’ around in that big ol’ doofy head of yours, do yah? Stoppin’ everything, doin’ nothin’ and starin’ into space to waste my time. I jus said we gotta work fast if we’re gonna get these worthless old horses into the shed and you’re still standin’ over there like you’re on a lunch break. Why don’t you start hookin’ up the tools, or takin’ down the railin’, or at least gettin the hell outta my way? Every single day I’m gettin’ everything done an every single day you’re makin’ blank faces to all over God’s green earth. Now why don’t you start by undoin’ this here guardrail?” Al slapped his hand on the railing for emphasis, throwing some gravel into his speech. Miles turned to the toolbox and, with the clatter of tools as a cover, muttered something under his breath.
“Oh? What was that? You got somethin’ to say?”
“I didn’t say nothin’.”
“Oh hells yes you did just said somethin’. I heard you say somethin’. I got ears that can hear a mouse fartin’ in a field of hay my friend, and so don’t you think you can go deceivin’ me when we both know you just did said somethin’. Now out with it before you waste more of my time.”
Miles turned around again, focused on fixing the bit into his drill. “I said, them horses ain’t worthless.”
“The horses ain’t—what—Did I—are you kiddin’ me!?” Al snorted with a mocked face of disbelief. “Weell well well. Weellly well well welly well well well. If little Mr. Miles ain’t got himself a crush on this old carousel. Whats Jeannie s’posed to think, what with a little girl on the way? This old girl ain’t yer type anyhow, shes got too many fellas dun’ already rode ‘er! Two more months and you gonna be a daddy with a full-blown family, you can’t be gawkin at fancy ladies past their prime, like this here carousel.” Miles lowered his eyes. Only Al could draw the connection between a carousel and potential marital infidelity.
“Besides, this old girl got nothin left in her anyway. She turns about twice every five minutes. Half them prouncin’ ponies aint prouncin’ no more. And don’t get me started on that music box—sounds like shes whistlin’ dixie with a mouth fulla cotton balls. The horses ain’t worthless… Jeez Miles, you still surprisin’ me. Worthless is the best word I got fer the damn things. That Mind Scrambler’s gonna suck all kindsa kids into this park, and then its gonna spin em round till they can’t walk straight, and ain’t nobody’s gonna be askin’ what happened to that sad old carousel.”
“Okay Al, lets just get to work,” Miles got on his knee to start on the guardrail, “it don’t matter what I think ‘bout it anyways.”
“Don’t you give me that, ‘lets just get to work’, you got somethin’ to say you might as well say it. Damn, boy, you got to learn to say somethin when you got somethin to say. I don’t never keep what I got to say to myself and that’s why ain’t nobody bothers arguin’ with me. So why don’t you tell me, whats so good about this here old carousel that’s gonna keep her up and runnin even when she ain’t ever gonna scramble one kid’s mind?” As if preparing to appreciate the profound thoughts of a wise teacher, Al mockingly squinted his eyes and shoved both hands into his overall pockets. “And you better spit it out, cuz we both know I ain’t got all day.”
“Fine.” Miles tossed the drill aside and straightened up with his eyes washing over the carousel. He stopped for a moment, rolling his tongue as if priming it before he actually had to use it. He began.
“Al, people like you ain’t never had a problem tellin anybody anything. You said it yourself, you got somethin’ to say and you say it. But it ain’t like that for me. Not for Miles. I ain’t got no fancy words, or big words, or even crafty words. I just got them plain words that everybody else got. An one day, when I got my little girl on my lap, with them pretty little eyes and that cute little smile just like her mama, all I’m gonna have to say is ‘you’re my pretty little girl.’ And that ain’t nothin she can’t hear from nobody else.” He stopped to kick a pebble. “But every time I pass by this carousel, I tell myself that one day I’m gonna take my little girl and put her on that there pink pony with the gold bit in its mouth and the baby blue saddle, and I’m gonna have her ride that carousel. And all them colors, them lights, that music, all them horses and people standin’ there watchin’ are all gonna be there for her, and she’s gonna know she’s the prettiest damn thing in the whole wide world. Its gonna be like this whole carousel was made just for her, because I love her.”
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akelly10 reviewed Version 1 -
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wrytergrrrl reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is a perfect slice-of-life vignette type piece. I got sucked in to how real the language of the two men sounded – it was so well written with words spelled in the way they would be pronounced and so forth. Job well done!
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Adam_Atlantian reviewed Version 1 -
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That was so sweet. Everybody loves and a daddy wants the world for his girl. It was great and you did a good job with the dialouge.
crypticBeauty reviewed Version 1 -
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postmodern, unique. creative and intelligent. digging your work!
the ponies, shabbiness, beauty, entropy, ethnopy.
new life.
purty cool thang ya got kickin’!
jordanmbobe reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the sweet sentiment at the end of the story. It was well hidden behind the crass conversation between Miles and Al.
There are some glaring mistakes in English in this story and all you’d really have to do is proof it to fix them, I’m sure. The characters maintain a simple, yet meaningful dialogue.
I would cut out some of the “wells” when Al is taunting Miles. People won’t read past the fifth or sixth one, I know I didn’t. Skipping over an entire line because it’s all the same word makes the reader a little frustrated.
I would have liked a little more description about the center point of the story, too. The carousel was what the entire work was built around and we were left only knowing that the music box was worn out, that it moved slow and it had a pink horse.
Sweet story. Good work.
Work_in_Progress reviewed Version 1 -
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This was beautiful. Very sweet and a little surprise at the end. I really love how you made the whole scene with little words. The characters could use a little developement… Al seems like such a character but he’s hard to picture. I would love to hear a little background on him. Otherwise this story is an absolute gem. Thank you!
mikealden reviewed Version 1 -
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you have a good sense of dialogue, but you rely on it too much for for the story. Try telling this story without any dialogue at all, perhaps it would be an interesting experiment.
poeticLicense reviewed Version 1 -
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Great piece, really. That kind of dialogue can be hard to carry off, but you do it well. Only a few suggestions here and there, and they haven’t got a thing to do with the content: firstly, make sure you remember the punctuation at the end of “ing” words you’ve turned to “in” words—they need that apostrophe to signify the missing “g.” Secondly, watch punctuation at the end of quotes. Unless you’re ending in a question mark or an exclamation point, if the quote is followed by the completion of a sentence, it needs a comma. This is most notable in the very first sentence:
“Now I’ll be hot-damned if this old carousel ain’t lasted too long here anyways? Al grumbled, looking it over as Miles tied his boot.
You need a comma before “Al grumbled;” inside the quotes, of course.
Otherwise, well done! I didn’t once get bored reading it—it’s just the right length.
thesnobnextdoor reviewed Version 1 -
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Grammatical Errors and Stylistic Suggestions:
anyways,? Al grumbled
She’s as old as grandma
are just as toothless.
still haunted the air <—haunted sounds awkward
the familiar hum of the carousel started abruptly
greet a glare
*be consistent -in’ or -in, stoppin or stoppin’
with a mocked face of disbelief<—delete this it’s too much
she’s got too
Only Al could draw the connection between a carousel and potential marital infidelity. <—-delete this line it’s too telling
and then it’s gonna
ponies ain’t prouncin’
Okay Al, let’s just get to work
what’s so good
As if preparing to appreciate the profound thoughts of a wise teacher, Al squinted his eyes and shoved
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice. The characters are believable, and it makes me wonder what happens to the old carosel. Does the little girl ever get to ride it? The last paragraph was the best. Some of the dialog towards the beginning drags, and I’d like more description of the carosel itself, but overall it’s good.
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