Young Adult / Only Hope - Prologue and Chapter 1
ONLY
HOPE
…and the journal of Eden Scoober
PROLOGUE
The rising sun filters through the swaying blinds of a dark room, illuminating part of the floor which is covered in paper, a hand hanging out of what seems to be a bed and a broken digital alarm clock flashing red in the dark. Nearby the clock, which appears to have fallen off the bedside table during the night, is an open green notebook. The page it is open to reads…
The Journal of Eden Scoober March 9th
I keep having this same dream.
I open my eyes and all around me a storm is raging, but for some reason I can’t feel the violent wind and rain, I can’t hear the storm except for a dull roar like an old TV set.
And then I realize that they’re out there. All of them. My friends, my family even my enemies are stumbling around out there in the storm.
I reach out and yell but my hands hit something hard, like glass. I look down and see my reflection in the wall that surrounds me. I look up and see a patch of blue sky rushing towards me.
And then I wake up.
Weird hey?
Anyway today was just a normal boring Sunday. Attempted to play some soccer with my little brother but although I connected with the ball a lot, most of the time it wasn’t with my foot… Tried to do a bit of homework but didn’t get anywhere.
That’s about all I had on my mind today except I also talked to my new friend Hope at the shops. She is part of the so called ‘popular group at school but lately shes been talking to me on the bus to and from school about stuff i don’t think she wants the others to know.
She asked me a question I couldn’t answer properly. She asked me what I think someone needs to solve all of their problems. I said you just need to have hope, Hope! She laughed and said I don’t think hopes ever done me any good and I should know, it’s my name after all.
I still don’t have an answer.
Well I’d better go to bed I have school tomorrow and I don’t want to miss the bus again. I just bought this cool new alarm clock so I should be okay
Seeya
CHAPTER ONE
Kalgoorlie Boulder in Western Australia is a city made with gold. That is the city thrives off of the many mines around the city which churn out gold at every hour of the day and night, not that the buildings are actually made of gold. But while the mines are working all the time the city itself seems to be permanently sleeping. The streets are wide and the traffic and the people move slowly compared to other cities.
People born in Kalgoorlie though, are definitely not slow themselves. The constant feeling of gold, so close to them everyday, and the ever working mines can give the people who have lived there their entire lives an incredible determination to seek glory or riches for themselves.
Tim Baker is such a person. He sits at his multi-screened monster of a computer even now in the early hours of the morning determined to finish what he’s been working on. Tim would call it a fully rechargeable, omni-functioned, financially viable, long distance communication device. A normal person however would call it a mobile phone but with a couple of differences. One, it works as a computer of about the same power as your average home computer and two all calls and messages are free. The ingenious thing about the phone is it basically splits up all the data from a call on different signals then reassembles it when it reaches the person you’re calling so you don’t have to pay for the call plus it doesn’t interfere with any other calls. This way the caller also gets coverage anywhere in the world, well anywhere Tim can crack phone line security which constitutes to about the same thing.
‘Okay so it’s slightly illegal but it doesn’t hurt anybody’ Tim reasons as he puts the finishing touches to the last of his seven prototypes. ‘Slightly illegal but highly intelligent.’
Highly intelligent are probably the two best words to describe Tim Baker. He’s not great looking being a bit on the short side and wearing fluoro green square glasses but he has dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes. The walls of his room are covered with the various certificates and awards he’s collected over the years and that’s not including the trophies that fill his cupboard.
Suddenly a message box pops up on his computer screen…
“Yo cuz! What’s happening?
Looking forwards to coming down to visit ya man! And maybe you’ll actually be able to beat me at something out of the classroom this time! :)
maybe i can drop into school again too.
Seeya in a week!
Kule”
Tim groaned thinking ‘Great just what I need a visit from cousin perfect but I’m going to beat him this time no matter what.’
He shuts down his computer and gets ready to catch the bus to school, thinking and planning all the while.
*
Somewhere in a house a few streets away a girl is crying in her room. Her wavy and beautiful long black hair and dull uniform stand out in the brightly coloured room. Like most crying teenage girls she is crying about a boy.
“Hope you’re going to miss the bus!†Her mother yells at her from somewhere in the house. Hope Collopy stops sobbing and sits up wiping her face with the tissues sitting next to her bed.
‘Come on Hope!’ She thinks. ‘Pull yourself together. He was never even nice to you so why are you crying? But he dumped me… Does that mean I wasn’t good enough?’. Suddenly she stands up determined ‘That’s it I’ve had enough of this I’m going to school. I’m going to get through today then never cry about something so stupid again.’
Hope checks her face in the mirror on her wall one last time before picking up her bag and going out to the kitchen to say good morning to her mum. Face down smashed on the floor is a picture of her and a light haired boy whose name is Scott Male.
Sebastian Xavier, Seb for short, rockets down a hill trying to catch up to his two newest friends, one who just happens to be Scott Male and the other whose name is Trey Gamble. The nasty pair recently moved to Kalgoorlie from the big city and have been making trouble ever since. Doing things like breaking into peoples lockers at the school and turning out unsuspecting little year eights bags whenever they can. Seb is the newest edition to thier gang. His spiked black hair moves in the wind and he wears the complete wrong uniform except for his shirt which is torn at the sleeves. He doesn’t carry a bag. ‘I mean who actually does they’re homework anyway only nerds like Tim and that shy girl with her hair in a bun.’ Seb thinks.
You see Sebastian is a victim of the common fear of being different. Since a long time ago ago he has continually changed how he looks and acts just to fit in. What happened to make him like this nobody knows but he is nothing like he was before.
There was a time Seb was the most promising young musician/actor in the whole city. He starred in every play that needed a child or any musical that needed some fresh talent. There was a time that his house was filled with music from a guitar and the town was filled with posters of him his face in every school and shop. Then in the blink of an eye he changed. Seb gave up all of it turning his back on the things he was actually really good at.
Some said it was a tragedy, some said it was a phase but in the end almost everyone forgot the kid he used to be.
Seb ducks in and out of telegraph poles on his bike slowly but surely catching up to his two much louder friends. All of a sudden he spots something on a telegraph pole as he speeds past and he’s so surprised he crashes into a nearby fence and flies into someone’s front yard right into a flowerbed.
Groggily he sits up crushing some very unhealthy looking flowers.
“MY PETUNIAS!â€
Looking over Seb sees an old woman with a broom standing on the porch in shock.
Then she charges the broom held high above her head.
“You Hooligan!†the woman screeches.
Scrambling to his feet Seb manages to dodge the broom before jumping the fence and getting on his bike. As he pedals off back the way he came he can still hear the woman yelling at him.
Seb slides to a stop next to the pole that caused him to crash and there staring back at him is his own face about five or six years younger.
ALLADIN
Venue – The Theatre Hall
Times – Friday and Saturday 7:00
Sunday 6:00
Starring as Alladin – Sebastian Xavier!
Come along and enjoy a night of fantastic family fun!
‘I don’t need this… I have friends now!’ Seb goes to scrunch it up then thinks the better of it, folds it up and puts it in his pocket.
He rides the rest of the way to school alone copping a broom whack from the old lady on the way past.
“And don’t you come back you hear me!â€
KATHWACK! BAM! SMACK!
In an overgrown backyard nearby a teen with short bubblegum pink hair is furiously attacking a battered and ripped full size punching bag. She wears a black singlet and her school tracksuit pants, her hands are wrapped in tape and her feet are bare. She shifts from foot to foot for a moment before resuming her attack, her face in an expression of deep concentration.
…Come on Kay… – Left jab – Right jab – Right jab – …Concentrate… – Low kick – Left palm – …Don’t think about… – Right palm – High kick – Head butt – …Grandma–
CRASH!
Kay lets loose an incredibly powerful kick, her foot slicing though the bag as if it was made of fairy floss. The contents explode covering her in a screen of cotton.
She stands in stunned silence while the cotton settles until the back door opening snaps her out of it. Kay’s mum looking as though she had cried all night and her identical twin sister Rosemary already dressed for school her long golden hair sparkling in the sunlight. They might look similar but in reality they couldn’t be more different. Rosemary is bubbly and graceful while on the other hand Kay is determined and strong.
“Kerri…†her mother begins.
“Its Kay†she corrects as she grabs her schoolbag off a nearby table and gets her school shirt and shoes out.
“Kay… They’re reading out grandmas will this afternoon at the funeral home. We’re all going your dad your sister and I.â€
Kay continues getting dressed as if she didn’t hear.
Her mother continues. “It would mean a lot if you would be there.â€
Kay swings her bag over her shoulder still ignoring her mother and says to Rosemary “You coming now or what?â€
Her mum explodes. “KERRI ANNE STRONG YOU WILL BE THERE AND YOU WILL ACT LIKE A RESPECTFUL YOUNG WOMAN NOT THE SELFISH BRAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE BECOME.â€
For the second time that morning Kay stands in shock before finally muttering “Fine.â€
Her mother storms back inside slamming the door behind her.
“Great going Kay.†Her sister says as they begin the walk to school.
“Be quiet Barbieâ€
A couple of streets away the muscle-bound blond wunderboy of St Peters, their school, is doing the same thing as Kay has been doing all morning, hitting things and hitting them hard. Except in Chance Nala’s case this is not a sign of superior strength and skill because Chance is driving a car, a white landcruiser to be exact. His stepbrother, John, sits next to him yelling out useless advice.
“Watch out for that-†BANG!
“Too late there’s a letterbox the-†SMASH!
“Maybe I should dri-†SPLAT!
“STOP THE CAR!†SCREECH!
The car screeches to a halt millimeters from someone’s parked car. Inside the messy car a street directory narrowly misses John’s head but unfortunately the banana milkshake does not.
“What the blazes do you think you’re doing?†John yells as he tries to wipe the milk out of his hair. “Ugh I’m covered in this stuff. I thought you said you could drive!â€
“I can but I’ve only got my automatic license and you said that was fine! If you had listened to me!â€
“I said no such thing! Now you listen up rock head…â€
‘Oh great’, Chance thought, ‘here it comes, the lecture’.
“You have to-†Jarred began before Chance interrupted.
“Blah blah blah responsibility blah blah I’m a nuclear physicist blah blah blah maybe you shouldn’t have been thinking of Rosemary- Wait a second did I just say that out loud?†he winced.
He didn’t know which hurt more his stepbrother’s laughter or being pushed out onto the pavement. “Wait till mum hears about this! Hilarious! You can walk the rest of the way unless you get too distracted by Rosemary.â€
Chance scrambled to his feet coughing as his brother drove off ,laughing, in a cloud of red dust. His blond spiky hair and uniform completely covered in red dirt.
Chance sighs, picks up his bag and begins the long jog to school.
‘At least the day can’t get any worse.’
Esther Ashe has been up for quite a while getting ready. She’s in her really uncomfortable school uniform has brushed out her long blond hair and is staring at herself in the mirror. She’s actually very good looking and she knows that, because everyday she sits here like this before school. She always notices the cross around her neck and thinks not today.
And today is no different; well it’s almost no different.
She puts her horrible big brown glasses on and ties her hair up in a bun like an old lady. Finally she removes the cross from around her neck, just like every morning.
As she looks at herself, almost unrecognizable from how she looked moments ago, Esther thinks ‘this is the Esther they know, shy, good, nice, nerdy Esther Ashe.’
Like every day Esther gets up and grabs the heavy books off her dresser and puts them in her bag. Then she lifts the bag onto her back and goes to wake her brother up.
Then something changes.
On the way to the door her pocket bible which balanced on the edge of her dresser falls open to the ground. Esther turns around and picks it up. The page it is open to reads…
1 CORINTHIANS 13
1If I–
“Esther! Esther is your brother up yet! Ben get up now!â€
Absent mindedly Esther puts the bible into her pocket and leaves to get her brother up, hunchbacked under her bag.
A golden cross hangs off her desk still catching the dawns light.
*
All around Kalgoorlie six teenagers are well on their way to school. Some looking forward to the day others dreading it, but all unaware that they are about to be tested, about to have the problems they ignore or feel they can’t control shoved in front of them.
All of them are strong in their own way and could handle any test of their own ability. And yet one teenager still sleeps the most unlikely hero of all, but a hero nonetheless. He is late for school and will most probably miss the bus but that is about to become the least of his problems. A broken alarm clock lies next to his bed and a journal is open on the floor…
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I like the idea of first person in the beginning even though the piece is not. The prologue is a little confusing, but one thing I would do is organizing the thoughts of your piece. There is a raw feel to ranting, but there is also an art. I like how you described the setting. Your characters feel stereotypical, as if thats what a kid/teen should be like…
I like how you transitioned from one character to another.
I love the narrative feel.
HAppy writing,
JD
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I rated this a 10, because I thought is was perfect. I did manage to keep up with all the characters you introduced also. The ends draws me in, because I’m not sure what you mean by hero. I liked how the story started at the end…if you understand what I mean. At first I didnt get the whole journal part, but once I read the end I completely understood it, very creative. Overall all perfect story and I will be reading the future parts.
-What I really like about this piece is how interesting everything is! You have done a very good job with the plot. I really enjoyed reading this!
-I think it’s interesting that your characters are so unique. Most people write cookie cutter characters. This adds a realness element to your story. I really like that! But after a while it seems to be too much. You just keep introducing new characters. I can’t keep track of them all, its way to much for one chapter. I can see where you are going with this, but maybe you could go about it differently? I don’t know, maybe you can slice it up into two chapters? It’s easier to remember characters when they interact with each other. So right now, the ones who stand out to me are Eden, Hope, and Scott (and Tim a little bit because Seb was thinking about him. Also Seb’s friends.). This is just a suggestion, but maybe if you put those characters together in one chapter and then in the second chapter put the other ones and have them interact somehow (if that even works with the story line). Don’t go changing things just because of me, it’s just something to think about to make your story less confusing at the beginning. Some people might not even be confused at all. It might be best to keep it the way it is and when you get published, see what your editor says about it.
“Anyway today was just a normal boring Sunday. ”
Comma between anyway and today?
Check for grammatical errors. There are a few.
You could definitely use more to describe your characters and to make them come to life.
Like tim….
“Tim Baker is such a person. ”
Such a what??
This is a good story,but with some fine tuning itll be great.
:)
JD
I like what you have here. It can actually evolve into an epic story. About the thing you said people got you to cut your prologue…I really liked your prologue. It reminded me of the prologue that was in the first movie of Kingdom Hearts, where the main character talks about his weird dreams. It creates a sense of mystery and ralation to the main character. Similiary here, with the diary entry you put the confusion of Eden on the paper and create many mysteries with it. I like the way he at first thinks about the dream and then dismisses it and rather concentrates on matters ‘that really matter’.
One thing you might want to keep in mind, though, and this goes for Chapter One, is that if you have the passsive narrative in a chapter for too long it gradually gets boring. The narrator, an invisible figure who knows all of the characters, can only be used as a part of a prologue and that is why i would advise you to change this to a prologue. It simply mean putting your own prologue away and replacing it with chapter one. And what do do with the original prologue? Since here it is very short, just put in on a seperate page, untitled and in italics. This way it will have an even greater impact. Antoher reason for changing chapter one to a prologue is that at the end you create much suspense by giving us a little idea that what is about to happen is dramatic and epic, which is a characteristic of a prologue.
Also watch out for the commas. Read this text out for yourself and whenever you pause put a comma there.
Overall i liked your piece and I will be looking forward to see how these teenagers interact with each other,so when you put up more chapters please let me know:D
I like this particular story. I personally think the prolouge should stay, but it wouldnt hurt if you felt like you needed to take it out either.
I liked how you described the morning of six teenagers, all typical school mornings, and at the end, tied them all in together. As how something is about to happen to them all. Actually, i admire how you stop the first chapter,because it seems like a cliff hanger to advance to the next chapter. It leaves you hanging.
I loved the details you use also. You don’t over do it, but you give imagery to picture the scenes in your head.
Two errors. ‘popular group[forgot the other quotation]
Also, “You have to-†Jarred began before Chance interrupted. Chances older brother was John, and you accidently put Jarred instead.
I’m excited to read the rest of your story :)
Alright… where to start. This doesn’t seem so much like a story, but much more like a series of character sketches that don’t flow or make sense on their own, let alone with one another. You’ve picked a hard POV to start with, which is the present tense third person. I’ll admit you rarely see it done, but you have to do it well to do it at all.
One thing that would really help is to show not tell. Instead of saying “Seb suffers from such and such” show his personality changing as he goes around other people (perhaps some of the other characters to help develop both him and them???) That is just one example of where you do this, but go through and ask yourself at every point you give a detail, can I show this instead of spell it out?
There is some potential, with all the characters you’ve developed, to bring out a good plotline with all of them, but this doesn’t hook me the way it should.
I would also cut the prologue. Prologues are to give you a sense of what might happen, if it’s slow to start, but you haven’t shown us anything, which makes the prologue purposeless. Either revamp, or cut.
I hope this helps as you edit and work on more of this.
I want more, I want more! You have sucked me in to this story. At first I was a little confused as all the characters came into play, but the final paragraph cleared things up immensely. And after that I looked back and enjoyed how you introduced them all. The thing with Chance was funny, and you felt sad for Sebastian. Each of the kids seems to have their own set of problems and characteristics, which always makes for a good story. I would get some more on here, because I want some more! Your on to something good here.
Though the name of the town is just a little strange but I like that it lives on gold, it was a nice touch
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