Short Story / Sometimes it gets messy.
“Here we are, you sure you’re ready?” Cliff looked over at his nephew before climbing out of the small Toyota pick-up truck, which liked to shake and burp as the engine shut off.
Terry let the truck complete its death rattle in the driveway before climbing out. The hot morning breeze lifted his dingy mullet. He grabbed a pair of dark sunglasses from the collar of his stained t-shirt and placed them over his eyes. He took a moment to examine the home in front of him.
The small A-frame house sat at the end of a gravel road, and if power washed may end up reverting back to a white color. A browning lawn and over grown bushes, along with an empty rust colored bird dish decorated the front. The window shades and blinds were all drawn. A large, windowless, two stall garage, that some would consider a barn due to its size was connected by a canopy walkway.
Cliff nodded toward the garage as they approach the front door to the house, “The vans in there.” He opened the screen door and walked in.
A pile of flip flops, dirty sneaker, and kicked off mud made up the entryway. The inside of the house was poorly lit, and smelled of cat urine mixed with stale tobacco. A heavyset older woman with tangled hair sat on the couch wearing a white and pink nightgown watching a small turn knob television with an old game show rerun on it. She stamped out her long cigarette as she stood, and then walked laboriously over and embraced Terry with an emotionless hug. “I’ll leave you two men to your business. I’m gonna go lay down a spell.”
“Okay Gene, nice seein ya,” Terry watched her walk out of the kitchen.
“Take a seat,” Cliff motioned to his flower patterned couch, “I’ll be right back,” He clicked off the TV and walked into a back bedroom.
Terry looked at the still smoldering half cigarette his aunt attempted to put out, after a moments consideration he plucked it from the ash tray; giving it a few good tokes to get it going again. Then triumphantly held it in front of him.<>
Cliff exited the back bedroom carrying a manila folder. “Better yet, let’s take this to the table, I want to go over this one more time before you head out.” He clicked on an overhead light and turned the bulb to its brightest setting, causing the clothes cluttered wooden table to glow a soft orange. Cliff bulldozed the laundry with his old, hairy hands; freeing up half the surface. Terry stood next to him watching over his shoulder as Cliff opened the folder and placed white sheets of paper, one next to the other three rows tall four rows across. They looked like elaborate hand-drawn neighborhood maps.
Streets ran in a criss-cross patterns and lined up with the papers positioned next to them. Boxes were drawn along the sides of the roads, representing homes; each seemed to be spaced out a bit from their neighbor. A few of the homes had X’s running through them, a few others were circled.
“I’ve been drawing these maps for the last two weeks. They will help you get as many as you can. I’ve been learning this patch of town; And I mean every house; every car; for more than a year.” He turned to look at his nephew, making sure he was paying attention, “This is our promised land. Our ticket to a better life.”
Terry picked up one of the pieces of paper, took a drag off his cigarette and examined the hand-drawn map. He noticed all of the roads were labeled with street names. “I don’t recognize any of these streets.”
Cliff glanced at the paper Terry held, “It’s over an hours drive from here. It’s the perfect environment for us, houses are spaced far apart, it’s close the highway entrance, and its either, well to do families or rich snow-birds.” A term the locals gave their northern neighbors who migrated down south for the winter months.
He set the piece of paper back in its spot and poked the page, “What’s with these X’s, and these O’s?”
“The ones with X’s are worth nothing to us. The blank box’s I’m unsure of. But the ones with circles around em` have young kids living there. Those are the ones you gotta keep your eyes peeled around.” His tone became serious. “Drive slow and search both sides of the road for children when you get by these circled homes,” he tapped his thick finger onto one of his maps. “You get every kid you can to the van.”
Terry kept his gaze on the paper and spoke in a cool, cold tone, “Don’t worry about me boss. I’m going to get as many as I can. We’ve been talking about this for ever. I just hope things don’t fall through on your end.”
“Don’t you worry about me. I been had the same connection for ten years. And make sure you cover that up,” he nodded to a tattoo covering half of Terry’s forearm. An eagle; aggressively shooting a M-60 machine gun.
“I brought one of those all blue canvas body suits,” he pointed outside. “Like the ones you see painter wearing.”
“That’s perfect.” Cliff couldn’t mask the fact this impressed him, “Now you got me pissed I never thought of that. I was going to tell you to make sure you wear gloves.” His face grew sad and his eyes seemed to go somewhere far away. “Sometimes it gets messy.”
They stood there a moment and then Terry broke the silence, “I got thick cloth gloves when I got the suit, a few pair. I also got some black boots and a matching dark blue ball-cap.”
Cliff nodded his head, satisfied, as he organized his maps. “This first one,” he pointed at the top sheet of paper, “starts at exit 87, off I-75. It will take you to the neighborhood I scoped out. Then just turn each page and follow the maps.” He closed the folder and handed it to Terry staring into his eyes. “You get every kid you can. Don’t waste any time, remember you’re on a time table. If one runs from you don’t worry about em`; keep to those maps, everyone you get means extra money.”
Terry took a final drag on the cigarette and smashed it out on the ashtray near him. The lipstick coating on the butt reminded him of how he started this particular nicotine fix. After today he’d be able to buy his own cigarettes anytime he wanted, and for the rest of his life for that matter. He opened the folder and took a few moments looking over each sheet of paper. “What about when I’m done?” he kept his gaze on the papers in front of him.
“You get back here; get the van in the garage. That’s home base for you. I’ll take care of the rest. You’re welcome to stick around and help,” he shrugged, “or go your own way until the next time.”
Terry nodded and closed his folder.
“Come on. I want to show you some special features I’ve added to that van to make this easier for you.” Cliff walked out the main door; Terry closed his folder and followed behind, making a fast pit stop and retrieving a small gym bag from the back of the Toyota. He knew it was gonna be a hot day today, he caught up to his uncle just before he was to open the garage door. “You sure you’re ready for this? You got mine and your families counting on you.”
Terry shuffled his feet, “I’m doing this just as much for you as I am for us. You been working hard a long time. . . It’s time you get a break.”
Cliff gave him a half-smile and opened the garage door.
The sun charged in; illuminating the van and the surrounding area.
The all white van had three megaphones mounted on the top. Large sliding windows ran along both sides. A large section under the windows held massive stickers; each sticker offered different varieties of ice cream treats. Terry took a moment looking over the items- re-affirming his knowledge of their correlating prices.
“Get the kids their correct change as soon as possible and get to the next one. They’re going to be swarming you in some area’s.” Cliff took a serious tone, “The most important thing is to be pleasant, polite, and keep a smile on your face. Listen to what they ask for, some of em’ talk funny. We keep our product cold and our customers happy.” He smiled. “That’s what allowed me to do so good for so long.”
Terry walked slowly around to the driver’s side door, a large smile on his face, “I remember riding along with you when I was younger. I felt like the coolest kid on the planet.” there was a glow in his eyes, “I can’t wait to bring Jimmy along with me.”
“Give it a few weeks to learn the route and the kids.” He motioned Terry to climb into the drivers seat, “Climb in, day’s a wasting`.”
Terry gripped the wheel a moment; obviously pleased. He started the engine, which purred silently, and smiled one more time at his uncle as he put the van in drive.
Cliff stepped out of the way, shaded his eyes, and watched his nephew slowly bump down the dusty road. A feeling of pride and sorrow filled him as the torch of the family business had been passed. He raised his hand in a final trivial wave and walked toward his front door.
His wife stood behind the screen door.
She knew how sad this day was for her husband.
He returned her smile and walked toward her. Little did she know he was beyond ready for them to enjoy next stage in life, together.
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This is not bad. Add more descriptions of the scenery so we can see what its like. Is this piece about an icecream driver? I was not sure about the storyline. This could use more spicing up, it kind of drags. Tell us about the children, what they want. You have a good start, just edit and it will be even better. good luck
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An insightful story told in a matter of fact way i.e. it is very real and human. I really couldn’t fault it in terms of storytelling. The ending was good and reflective. I really liked `Cliff couldn’t mask the fact this impressed him’ Some little points:
`...if power washed may end up…’ – suggest `which if power washed might’
`heavyset’ – two words
`turn knob’ – turn-knob, maybe manual, actually to make smoother suggest `watching an old game show re-ren on an old…’
`...ya(,).” Terry…’
`...out(,). After…’ suggest here new sentence, then combine with `...going again(.), then…’
`...other(,)three…’
`pattern(s)’
`seemed to be’ – omit – they were – he’s looking at them.
`...town(;), and (And) – don’t need semi-colon – dialogue, not listing.
`for ever’ – forever
`I been had the…’ Don’t understand, do you mean `I’ve had…’
`...forearm(.); (An) an eagle(;) aggressively…’
painter(s)
`...’em`(;) – keep…’
`He kept…’ (new sentence)
;each (sticker)offered…’
`correlating’ – corresponding
`There was a glow…’ new sentence
`...him – (as) the torch …’
`trivial’ – not sure this is the word you want – obvious not to Cliff.
`enjoy (the)next…’
Hope you don’t mind edit, that I’ve helped. You write well and I enjoyed reading this. Good luck with it.
vans
flops, dirty sneaker
area’s
I think a couple of things: the characters names are over-used and the piece feels disorganized because it’s back and forth between Cliff and Terry, especially in the beginning. I suggest moving paragraphs two and three and continuing with Cliff’s perspective as you started the story from his POV. The other thing I think, and I am going to have a hard time verbalizing this feeling, is that I don’t like some of your descriptions—like the pressure wash comment about the house. I think you over-describe the setting while under-developing the plot. You don’t really expand on ‘the family business’, the purpose of the maps, etc. Cut the unnecessary descriptions, add plot and characterization and it will be a better piece. Good luck. “7”
Good job. You had me going there. Your story taps into a concern that effects most of us in one way or another.
You might want to take a look at your adjectives and see if any need to be cut.
Picky stuff:
overgrown
van’s
shoulders, freeing
worry about ‘em. Keep
Have another look at your semi-colons.
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