Novel Treatments / *Shadows of War: Chapter Four*
CHAPTER FIVE
Nineteen Sixty Seven
In sixty Seven I was barely eighteen years old when the General’s invaded Vietnam and Johnson issued The Draft. I was a wild rebellious teenager with long hair and a demonstrator with an arrest record. My Mom and I hardly spoke these days but when my draft card arrived it was hardly a surprise.
”You have to go we can’t afford to pay the money to keep you out of prison”
I was afraid for the first time in my life I was terrified. Terrified of never seeing home again.
”I can come with you if you like?”
I smile but shake my head “No Momma I ain’t your little boy no more”
”But you are still my son. My only son” I hold her gently. I would be leaving that afternoon for the near by Base.
Six weeks of hell started as soon as I disembarked from the bus with twenty other strangers from different states who I didn’t know from Adam. We’d hardly spoken on the bus and didn’t care and when the Drill Seargent came over and told us to stand in lines as he yelled at I was the only one who jumped as I was use to my mothers soft gentle voice.
”You there! What’s your problem boy?!” my heart starts to pound in my ears
”Ain’t no problem sir” I managed to say without stuttering. Somebody had seen how nervous and scared I was when we got to our bunks.
”Hey you okay kid?”
“Like I told the man out there there ain’t no problem” I can’t relax the bed is much too hard.
”First time away from home?” the cot was starting to annoy me and I toss and turn, each time a long leg would stop me from falling onto the floor.
“Damn. Don’t think I ever get to sleep now”
I prop the pillow up behind my head if you could call it a pillow it was as flat as a pancake until I folded it in half. The thin cotton green blanket reached my waist and was folded over that was until I pulled it up to my chin at least now I wouldn’t fall out of bed.
“Yeah it be my first time away from home”
As I drift off to sleep I somehow manage to conger up as I often did when I couldn’t sleep. Strange thing was though I hadn’t thought about her in years and I go to sleep with a smile on my lips. I must’ve fallen out of bed somewhere along the line.
”Hey man go back to sleep will ya”
”Sorry” I say as I climb back into bed, a head pops out from over the side of the top bunk.
”Hey what goes on down there? A wet dream or somethin?”
I give a laugh then climb back into bed and go straight back to sleep with an arm and a leg hanging out of the narrow uncomfortable bunk. I’d just dozed off when somebody decided to blow a horn in the room at the crack of dawn. While everyone else ran to the end of their beds in true military style I was the only one who managed to stub their foot and hop to the end of the cot. I could hear several snickers and bit my lower lip to stop myself from swearing. My foot throbbed and the Drill Sergeant decided to yell his instructions at us for the day. We would start with a thirty mile run but before that we would have to do a series of warm up exercises then it would be of on te run and that would be followed by the obstacle cause. By then it was almost evening the hunger pangs have long since passed but I felt as though I could drink a whole tank of tank of water. That soon passed then I discover that my whole body was aching and my feet throbbed but I pushed my aching body onwards back towards the camp. My bunk mate joins me at my side and sees the lines of concentration on my face. As we near the camp my pace quickens at the thought of nearing home.
I collapsed on the bed but suddenly remember that I have to take off my heavy hiking boots to see to the huge blisters that were now forming on them. The thick socks were stuck to the open skin by dried blood and they bled as they came away I try not to show how painful they are but Joey notices it as he sees the grimace in my face “You okay?” he climbs down and sees how bad the condition of my feet are “Looks painful. I’ll get you something for them” he came back minutes later with a bowl, some bandages and something to clean them to stop them from getting infected. He did a pretty good job with the bandages and I collapsed in a head on the bed with exhaustion.
I remember waking up with a rumbling stomach as I hadn’t eaten anything the day before. After a shower I put on a clean uniform and Joe changes the bandages
”If he makes you run refuse, he can’t make you do anything with your feet in that condition”
”Try to tell him that” he helps me up and I hobble to the Mess Hall. The food looks revolting but I eat it anyway. Joe sees a distant look in my eyes
”Where’d you go off too?”
”Oh I was just thinking”
”About what?”
”There ain’t no what it’s a who” then I show him a picture of Lisa but automatically assumes that it’s my Mom “Get real”
”Then who is she?” I give him a smile
”My girl”
”You kidding me?”
”This picture ain’t no lie”
”She looks at least twenty five”
”She was then”
”When was this taken?” he asked
”I think I must’ve been at least twelve maybe older”
”You kiddin’ me?” I shake my head
”Ain’t no joke”
”How old were you and she? If you don’t mind me asking?”
”Fourteen” he laughed
”Man I don’t believe you”
”She’s thirty five now lives in England, it’s where she’s from. Still write to her”
”Why if she in another country why keep it up when you know you can’t see her?”
“She was my first. Did I tell you that my Mom walked in on us right in the middle?”
”No way man”
”Way. Figure I’d pay her a visit you know before we get shipped out to God knows where”
”’Nam probably”
”Come with me if ya want, meet her, see what you think for yourself”
”Maybe. But only if you come meet my family”
”And where that be?”
”Where else. New York”
”Me. I’m just a farm boy wouldn’t fit in”
”Yeah right imagine me on a farm. Your Momma’d flip if she find out where I’m from”
”She don’t care where you from. She from England”
”That’s what your other accent is from” I smile and get up from the table.
Two weeks before graduation we’re given a few days leave I take Joe to meet my mother. She almost dies of shock when she sees me in my uniform.
”My God you almost look like David”
”Who?” I say not realizing that it’s my father’s name “He was your father Jason. Who’s your friend?”
”Oh I’m sorry. Mom this is Joe. Joe this is my Mom Elizabeth”
”Hi” I noticed a look that passed between them. I couldn’t believe that they were attracted to each other.
”So will you be comin’ to my graduation Momma?”
”Of cause I will you know I wouldn’t miss it for the world, but my God you look handsome in that uniform” I take off my hat and place it on the table Joe does the same his eyes never leaving my mothers face
”Maybe I should leave you two alone. You’d be better off” they watched stunned as I walk out. Joe went to go after me
”No let him go. You should know about his temper by now”
”Do I ever. He’s planning to see Lisa before we get shipped out”
”What? When did he decide this?”
”Last night I think”
”You didn’t have to put up with the tantrums the first time that little tart left him and the second time was even worse because…well you was probably know why he’s probably told you everything about her detail by graphic detail” Joe just smiles his most charming smile to her and my mother was flattered
”Do you think he’d mind if I took you out to dinner.”
”Me? You want to take me out to dinner? Are you feeling alright?” she says as her hand reaches up to his forehead.
”I feel just fine. And yes I do mean it”
”When?”
”Tonight of cause, we don’t have a lot of time. You do have something to ware don’t you?”
”I can find something I’m sure of it”
”We don’t have a lot of time to buy you something if you don’t have something to ware. Better hurry” she runs up the stairs to her room and ransacks her wardrobe to find something suitable to wear for her first date in years.
I’m sulking in my room when I hear Mom’s cluttering. I knock on the door before going in “What’s going on?”
”Joe’s asked me to go to dinner with him tonight”
”Over my dead body”
I go to walk out of the room “Jason please. It’s the first time since your father died that any man has even bothered to ask me out. Please just this once try not to be over protective of me and let me have a little fun for once in my life” I smile and hug her.
”If he hurts you I’ll break every bone in his body. Just be careful Momma you’re all I got”
”My poor baby. Darling when are you going to find someone to settle down with?”
”Had somebody once Momma, you sent her away”
”She wasn’t for you. Trust me you’ll find someone I think it’ll be soon”
”You don’t know that you’re not Physic”
”I’m your mother that’s how I know”
”I’m sorry”
”For what?” I shrug
”Just am is all. Just have fun” I go back to my room where I fall asleep and don’t wake up until the next morning at dawn “Sleep okay?” asks my Mom as she handed me a mug of Coffee
”Just fine. Where’s Joe?” we’re seated at the table now
”Oh he went for a walk about an hour ago” I lean forward and kiss her on the forehead “It’s good to see you smiling. Where you guys get to last night?”
”He took me to a really expensive restaurant in New Orleans paid for the taxi and everything. We danced, talked, he was the perfect gentleman all night”
”That’s cause he knew I deck him”
”Mornin’ sleepy head” I look up to see Joe helping himself to a cup of coffee I was wondering if he had heard anything that I had said to my mother. He gives her one of his smiles and I see her blush “We have to be going” I say and Joe gives me a disappointed look “Now?” he says
”Right now Joe”
”Can I at least say good buy to your mother?”
”Twenty minutes then we’re gone okay?”
”That’s not long enough”
”Okay, okay you have all morning will that do ya?” he smiles and I decide to go for a long walk which should keep me away for most of the morning.
Joe turns to my mother and takes hold of her hand “I missed you”
”I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re his friend he’s been really over protective of me lately” he smiles “I’m not surprised. You’re much too beautiful to be his Mom”
”You’re very sweet to be interested in an old lady like me”
”That’s the point. You’re not old” his hand reached up and caressed her cheek and that was where he kissed her “Never kissed a girl before, never even been with one before”
”Come inside” she hesitated as he took hold of her hand and she lead him upstairs to her room. Moments later he lay in her arms sleeping in her bed after making love to her
”I don’t want to leave not now”
”You have to”
”I know. I love you” he said kissing her then getting out of bed. Elizabeth sits up with the sheet still wrapped around her and watches him get into his uniform “Hey handsome come back to bed”
”I wish I could darlin’. But I have to go”
He leaned over and kissed her. She tries to pull him closer “Mmmm. See me to the door” when they came to the door Mom was still wrapped in the sheet and couldn’t leave him alone
“Hey lover boy come on we’re late as it is”
He was srill kissing her as I pulled him away from her “Don’t forget to write!” she shouts as we climbed into the cap that has just pulled up.
Back at the camp Joe is quiet as he sits on his bunk and staring ou of the window.
”You okay?”
”I miss her. It hurts”
”Tell me about it. It ain’t no fun that for sure, you gonna be okay?”
”Guess I’ll live”
”She misses you too”
”Can’t believe I’d meet someone like her only to loose her”
”Well you can tell her that in your letter. Might make you feel better”
”Won’t help me to forget her”
”You’ll never forget her. You always remember your first at least that’s what my Mom always says” he seems to brighten at that “She does?”
”At least that’s what she told me” he lay flat on his stomach “Oh man what am I gonna do?”
”You’ll be okay it just takes time”
”I can’t get her out of my head”
“Joe I’m going to be truthful. I still hurt I just don’t have to let it get me down. Just fight it”
“Go to sleep. You be okay in the mornin’” I saw his eyes close and I watched over him until I too fell asleep and my mind went to Lisa’s image which usually helped me to sleep.
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This is touching and gentle. It is simple and clean. The dialogue is a little rough sometimes, you need to decide if he is a southern boy or not, becasue the dialec is killing the flow. When he was home I wanted more history and more anxiety about going off to war and everything he is leaving behind. he does not seem stuid and yet you are treating him that way. He needs depth, a inner voice. Some kind of layering to round out the character.
The trist between the friend and the mother was unexpected and yet very sweet. Although again i am a little lost as far as the main characters old girlfriend. The emotion and even the history behind it is elusive (could be because I am starting in chapter four…)but anyhow I wanted more.
Keep writing, my dad was in Nam and I am interested in the topic.
Good job!
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Wow. This was amazing. I was a bit lost at times seeing as i didnt read the other chapters yet, but for whatever reason that did not distract from the overall merit of the characters or the entirety of the story itself. I believe you have something in works here that could be very powerful. Thanks
Jesse James
p.s. – great use of diction/figurative language elements
You’ve got problems with the writing right from the get go. You can say ‘67 or write out 1967, but not sixty Seven. You also don’t puntuate consistently. Many sentences don’t have periods at he end of them, and you omit commas where they should be, for instance, before and after quotes. Nearby is one world. The lack of attention to detail takes away from the story, that’s not that engaging to begin with. Not a very likeable character. But it’s only one chapter of several, so maybe you develop it more. But please, pay more atention to your puntuation and spelling.
This is very good. My grandfather was in Vietnam, won’t talk about it. I think he would really like this. He reads stuff about other guy’s who were there. He was a paratrooper. This is really vivid. It almost feels like you are there watching this kid go through all this. I can tell that the charecter is very 3-dimensional. You give him emotions, fear, longing, passion. Most people don’t give their charecter all those, it is usually just one. So good job, you made a great novel chapter. It is well written and entertaining.
I’m sure you are looking for a publisher for this work and would like to help you out with it. This is an interesting take on the period war story. I just want to say that it does get a little drawn out listening to them talk between each other. It diverts the attention of the reader and turns them off to finishing the rest of the story. Stick to the story that you are trying to tell and don’t try and fluff it up by filling it with dialog that doesn’t add to the story. It’s more of distraction than anything. Also, I’m sure you are expecting an editor at the publishing house to take care of the proofing, but you should do as much of the editing yourself, ensuring that the story you are trying to tell comes across to the reader in your own words, and not of someone who is trying to figure out what you want to convey to the reader. There were some rough transitions in there and it made it hard to keep a good reading flow! Try and work on the narration and I think you might have a good story on your hands. Keep at it!
“In sixty Seven I was barely eighteen years old when the General’s invaded Vietnam and Johnson issued The Draft.”
The beginning of anything is so important. I think if you cut things around a bit, you could really make this opening line carry more power.
“I was barely eighteen years old when the General’s invaded Vietnam and Johnson issued The Draft.”
It’s a small change, but needed (not this exact way, just an example). Some of your lines just need the fat cut. Like line two, “I was a wild rebellious teenager with long hair and a demonstrator with an arrest record.” Why not slim it down, giving it more flow…”I was rebellious, a long haired demonstrator with an arrest record.” I think it say the same thing, with less fat. Throughout the piece your writing could really use the same cutting…”I was terrified, scared of never seeing home again.” (was that really the first time you were afraid? I doubt it so cut it)
Some of the strongest parts of this chapter are the dialogue. I really enjoyed how you wrote it to sound how we actually talk, even if it isn’t proper English. You do a job job of showing when the characters are nervous or scared, the part with the mom was real, didn’t seem forced at all.
from reading this, I would continue reading and thats a real good thing. Keep working on it.
Though I’m interested in where the story is going to take me, I have to be honest and say that I’m having trouble getting past the basic grammatical errors. You move in and out of tenses, don’t use the appropriate punctuation, and don’t define who is speaking clearly enough. It feels as though you’re rushing through this, trying to write it all down before you either forget what you have to say or lose your nerve. Relax. Slow down. Take your time.
Very good stuff I say. Nothing really critical for me to say really. I liked it I did feel afew Saving Private Ryan moments coming on meaning it was like watching the movie itself and getting abit boring, but overall this is a job well done. Keep up the great work you have amazing talent you really do.
Great stuff mate.
Amy
Shame about the possessive apostrophe in the wrong place on the very first line… It also seems very reliant on dialogue to do the work of the story. This of course can be a very successful device, but here it seems at times a little clumsy.
Sorry to be picky but, sentences like:
“I collapsed on the bed but suddenly remember that I have…”
only confuse the reader when tenses are switched back and forth. Should it not read:
“I collapsed on the bed but suddenly remembered that I had…”
I apologise, I haven’t read the first three chapters so I can’t really comment on the story, but certainly it demonstrates potential.
Interesting perspective for a ‘Viet Nam’ story. Some rather glaring spelling errors. physic instead of psychic, for instance. Have you read “Dispatches” by Michael Herr. Best book on the subject I’ve read. He also co-wrote “Full Metal Jacket” with Kubrick. In fact, most of the best lines are from “Dispatches” a la “Easy. Ya just don’t lead ‘em so much.” Can you believe some real-life ass actually said that? Yowza. But your angle is ripe with possibility. Have you considered expanding on the Oedipal theme? To my knowledge it’s fairly rare for two 18 year olds to be attracted to older women. When I was that age I thought 35 ancient. It might be interesting for them to actually have a discussion about it but get it totally wrong, like it’s a good thing or something. Otherwise, kudos. Keep writing!
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