Poetry / tripe

the sad thing about knowing things the way i know them is that i only know them for that second…anything i’ve ever said, written, mumbled in my sleep was only there for that moment – and then poof  

nothing

it’s no wonder i flounder back and forth for days at a time with the smallest piece of information…no matter how rubix i am…all i’m doing is biding time until the epiphany…the bright spot in the middle of the tunnel.  

maybe i should learn to juggle instead…

rocking back and forth on this front porch is a silence i walk around daily…an exhale i can’t quite achieve…deals i’ve made, rules i’ve honored…there is no catharsis in silence…no reconciliation…only the next move

check

i’ve watched them die…watched them beg and curse me…watched them dictate my death in their pain…promise to reimburse me…re-disperse me when they’re done…game one [won]

i’ve watched them crawl their way to the top of a mountain only to see how long the fall is…this time…this time….this time…is mine

groveling at the foot of some conscription bed…the boooring…mooooring…trudging muck-covered the bottom-fed gap-mouthed piranha…i wanna give up

i wanna give them up…i wanna lift them up and fill their minds with…

silence…

as i double over crippled with anticipation…if i ran the nation i’d find your head on a pike…bloody spike through the face of the crowd as it gasps then, at last, unveils.

the sick ghastly cartoon of life from the great green moon from sweet spiking sugar…the slow rush and linger…the slick middle finger reply to the weak…

how heroin chic.

Reviews

January 08, 2006

coldflameburns

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
21	100.0% (6 votes)	54.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	F	United States	July 15

coldflameburns reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really like your way with words in this piece.  I think you’re really successful in nailing and depicting that sense of loneliness and isolation from the mass of society without being overly dramatic.  The rhyme is tastefully done and not forced at all, which I find is the case with a lot of poetry.  The only critical suggestion I have is that I would replace most of your elipses with line breaks, although that might take away from the punch of your single-word lines (nothing, check, silence).  My favorite part of the poem is the first line, though, “the sad thing about knowing things the way i know them is that i only know them for that second,” and I find myself wishing that you had explored that concept more fully in the body of your poem…focusing on how the narrator’s different perspective alienates them rather than just focusing on the alientaiton itself.  Everyone feels isolated from humanity from time to time; the interesting part is why.  Nice piece.

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January 08, 2006

by grey

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
15	100.0% (5 votes)	21.6%

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30			November 28

thank you for the review.  I understand your comment about the elipses, it is a pair [that and line breaks]i interchange often, depending on my taste that day. i’ll keep playing with these.  this piece has become one of a series that depicts the series of emotions that one would go through when facing isolation – the short burst knowledge is addressed in one a few down the line that i’ve simply neglected to put up here.  maybe i can fix that.  i’m glad you enjoyed it.

January 08, 2006

by coldflameburns

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
21	100.0% (6 votes)	54.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	F	United States	July 15

That’s the thing – with poetry, it’s such a subjective choice when it comes to punctuation.  I mean, look at Dickinson – she was a dash queen, but the reason it was great is because it reflected the way her mind worked.  Those dashes were deliberate.  Wow, the series I imagine would be fantastic all together.  You’ll have to comment back to me and let me know if you post more of them.  I’m new at this whole urbis thing, so I’m still getting used to the way this site works. :)

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