Poetry / Ache

I can understand the frustration with adding in punctuation. Often times I write my own work in a string of words with no line breaks and punctuation, it is often hard to go back and add it in. But I do think that the words you have chosen have done a good enough job to let the reader know when there should be pauses and et cetera.

As I read it I thought perhaps you could add something to this part:
“my will
you” a … either after “will”, or before “you”

“Can I say the words that will keep you real” I would suggest a question mark at the end, as this is definately a question.

I would think that the Ache described in the title is a longing for a sort of “dream lover” (as cheesy as that may sound). I was thinking perhaps a real lover that was lost, but the lines “waking from a dream,” “Can I say the words that will keep you real,” and “when every night I find you” point to a dream.

I think this piece is extremely beautiful and I am actually very happy I came across it and read it. Keep up the good work!

I enjoyed your poem very much! I think that this is written for someone who you love. She/he left you and you still want him/her back. You dream about the person and think about the person constantly, and you wonder what you did wrong to make that person leave. This is what I think the poem is about but honestly, I enjoyed mostly because I was able to connect with what the writer wrote. Thank you for the read, and kudos on your work! =-)

Nice use of imagery. I can feel the ache of wanting the dream to be reality. I’m not sure about the “sin” that keeps us apart or the “secret” that brings you home. The mystery is the poets but the reader would benefit from more specific language.

In regards to what I think it is about: It sounds like you lost someone close, and they’re still with you (like a phantom limb). I love the format of the poem. Some things to work on--maybe?--are this stanza:
Forlorn,
still feeling the weight of you     hearing the soft sighs of your breath your scent surrounding me

Try:
Still,
feeling your weight
hearing your soft sighs
And, your scent lingering

The last two stanzas could use some work as well.

This is quite beautiful in content. Reliving one’s love affair in a dream is romantic but quite sad when the dream is broken. Quite heartfelt.
Nice format arrangement.

Yep, it’s another poem about love.  Huh.  If you want a read on theme, and how this translates, I think this poem’s about still aching for a lover after they are gone.  Whether they physically left or emotionally checked out is unclear, but I don’t think it matters.  Physical departure makes this more gut-wrenching, emotion distance is more sublime.  Leave it open ended and it will apply and hook a broader audience.  As for delivery, I don’t know how you could have made this more apparent.  It’s in your face and demands to be heard.  I think this was fairly effective at drawing me in as a reader and keeping me reading.

STructure is freaking tight.  I like the way this works visually, and it rarely breaks in any inappropriate places.  I like the way this worked out the eyeball, keeping my focus by allowing me to smooth over each line.

“taking my breath / my will / you…” doesn’t read well.  The “you” is just hanging out.  I think I get it, that some function of reality stole the lover away, but this reads as though “you” was about to start off another image string, rather than connect back to reality.  Too much distance, or something.  PLay around with it and see what you get.

I think there are some sections, particularly at the end, where you get a little wordy.  Look at:

“Can I say the words that will keep you real
        find the path that takes me back
        tell me my sin that keeps us apart
        or the secret that brings you home…”

the way you have it in the poem, and then a more stripped version:

“Can I say words will keep you real
        find the path that takes me back
        tell me sin keeps us apart
        or the secret that brings you home…”

That may not be the best way to change this, but watch words like “the,” “that” and such because they are words that take up space in poetry… they are meant for prose, and really only clutter up poetic verse.

I liked this poem a lot and think it has huge potential.  Keep playing around with it… decide if you want more “physical” seperation or “emotional,” or if you want to leave that vague.  I would go vague… that way everyone can become involved when they read.

This is a familiar pain that I’m sure everyone can relate to. I like how you formated this piece howvever, I think more metaphors might make seduce the reader into thinking about what this is all about. Right now I think that this is a strong piece however I feel like you could add more to this. Love lost is a tricky subject since it’s been used in so many differant pieces of art, poetry, and everything else under the sun. Try adding something new to the equation. Great start though my man. Good luck

I like the poem; really I think it has a few meanings maybe. However, the one that stood out the most to me was it could possibly be about someone dreaming of their true love, & they only come to them in a dream… They can’t seem to reach their true love, hoping that someday they will come to them in real life instead of just a dream.

I do think the poem could use a few more commas, maybe after each first line in each first stanza, you pretty much have all that is needed though. Just a thought though.

That poem reminds me of a video game I played a long time ago. I forget the name unfortunately. Nice poem though, I really liked the second stanza talking about space and time. Keep up the good work.