This excerpt isn’t Chapter 19, let alone Chapters 1 to 18; it’s an excerpt from a chapter nearly half way through a 55 000 word novel.
I’m sorry for any confusion, and grateful to all critiquers.
Ann
Romance / (Reaistic Sample 2) Morning's Glory
“Morning’s Glory”, by Ann English
From Chapter 19
David made an effort to relax. He leaned back against a wall. Carolyn felt less pressured, and took a step forwards to keep him within arms length. “Do I frighten you?” David asked.
Again Carolyn could reply at once. “It isn’t you who frightens me. I frighten myself by my reaction to you. I feel as if I was playing — as if WE were playing — with petrol and matches. Everything could blow up in my face.”
“Woman is fire,” growled David, as if he was quoting an eternal truth. Carolyn laughed. She felt the fire.
“What is man? Petrol?”
“I like the Hare Krishnas,” David said.
What have they got to do with it? Carolyn asked herself.
“Patricia and I went to their cooking course, years ago. We tackled a visiting guru on their very sexist world-view. ‘Voman iss fire,’ the guru said, rolling his eyes alarmingly.”
“Yes, go on.”
“ ‘Man iss butter. They should be brought together as little as possible.’ “
Carolyn laughed out loud. David only smiled, apparently with his own thoughts. Carolyn spoke first.
“I’ve got a family to settle and a contract to fulfil. Can I see you on, say, alternate Fridays for an hour or so?”
“Would an hour be enough?” asked David with innocent lechery.
Carolyn felt her face go red. “I’m not … We’ll remain … You can take
me to see a film,” she said.
“You’re earning more than I am,” he exclaimed. “You can take ME.”
Carolyn’s attempt to put things on a casual basis made David chortle. “Is that a proposition? An hour’s assignment on Fridays at lunchtime?”
He held her and stroked her, easing the tension in her shoulders and massaging the knots out of her neck. He didn’t seem to be laying a sexual claim on her. He just seemed to be friendly. “I love your hat,” he repeated.
Carolyn didn’t try any more to arrange the future. Carry on running the Universe, God. I trust you to do it better than I.
Nothing was settled, and yet everything seemed to be settled.
-—-—-
That weekend, Carolyn made time for Felicity. They sat down with mugs of hot chocolate. “It’s your birthday soon, love. What are we going to do?”
“I haven’t any bestest best friend at school,” Felicity said, poking her marshmallows with a spoon, and sounding about five years old.
Carolyn felt a pang. The shift had taken lifelong friends from all the children, but Felicity, the oldest, had the stress of being suddenly in the youngest class at her new high school.
“Not yet.” Felicity continued with what Carolyn thought was admirable composure. “Some of the girls are nice. Can I take some people to mini-golf?”
“You can take a few out somewhere,” Carolyn reminded her, “or bring a larger number home for the same cost. Shall we set up a mini-golf course in the orchard?”
“What would we use for golf clubs?” Felicity asked. “Hockey sticks,” she answered without help. “We need only one for each group. Okay.” She switched the topic to something important. “What are you going to get me for a present?”
“I suppose we better buy you some new clothes.” Carolyn put pathos in her voice. “You keep feeding children fruit and vegetables, and they keep going up a bra size.”
Felicity giggled, perhaps at the idea of a pneumatic bust. “There is something I read about,” she said. “Can I have a vibrator?”
Carolyn nearly choked on her Milo. Between one heartbeat and the next she was shaken by a recollection, a realisation, and a regret. She thought of her own childhood and her first guilty steps out of it. I think I was climaxing at ten or eleven. Long before my periods started.
Carolyn realised with hindsight that she and Tim had sometimes tried to shock the oldies. Felicity and her generation weren’t rebelling that way. As far as I can tell. For Carolyn to be perturbed now would be incomprehensible to Felicity. What was there to be upset about?
Thirdly, Carolyn’s regret shook her. Deep regret, long past redemption. Carolyn had never been able to talk to her own mother about anything. Why, Mum? she cried silently. Why did you live in your guilt and shame and silence? Who locked you away from truth and light?
Just in time, Carolyn avoided the pitfall that opened in front of her: the odious chumminess of What do you want a vibrator for? Tell me all.
“All right,” she said. “I don’t know where to buy one, but I’ll find out. What do you want for a substantive present?”
“Two presents?” asked Felicity, looking surprised.
“The toy you want costs only a small amount,” Carolyn said. I hope. “What would you like for a real present?” The one I don’t mind your friends’ mothers knowing about.
“Oho.” Felicity sounded absurdly like her father. “I’ll have to give this some thought.”
Carolyn fished her own marshmallows from the depths.
“David’s nice.”
Carolyn spluttered. “I’m not marrying David for your birthday. For one thing, he hasn’t asked me. For another, I’ve got a job to do and three children to raise. For another …”
She got the impression that young Felicity was waiting for her to finish.
“I meant,” Felicity said after Carolyn ran out of steam, “that David might take my birthday party for a ride in his big red car, and you could bring a picnic in the Landrover.”
“Oh.”
The phone rang. Felicity jumped up. The phone stopped. Grandma Lisa must’ve
got it. Felicity gathered the mugs and went to the door.
“Mum?”
“Yes?” said Carolyn.
Felicity smiled, all benevolence. “Get two.”
Carolyn watched Felicity go. Carolyn frowned at the impudence, much too late. She set off
to spend quality time with her other children, if she could remember their names.
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singularity reviewed Version 1 -
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Really well written. Fun and funny. You really captured how people relate to one another. My only complaint is that I’d love to see the backstory. It’s very hard to relate to the characters mid-story.
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Mikkosgirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. The only typo I found is where you misspell fullfill, but thats not big. Man and woman- butter and fire? Thats the best thing I’ve heard so far today, and trust me, I need some happiness. And the vibrator conversation… Priceless. I don’t know how to do italics, but you get what you need to across nicely anyways.
KezH reviewed Version 1 -
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well as their was only a little interaction with the male character, its a bit difficult to rate the romance, however i will say that their is comedy in this and i really enjoyed the banter of speech and internal thought.
what might make this excerpt a little bit straightforward would be knowing how old Felicity will be / is. that does come across as quite a shock when a child asks their mum for a vibrator.
you could advance the sexual banter / foreplay in the begginning by giving Carolyn som sexual images invoked by David’s comments
narcotic_elegance reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, very funny chapter. The comparisons at the beginning are very true if one thinks about it. A woman really is like the fire and the man is the fuel that ignites her flame.
Also the conversation between Felicity and Carolyn is hilarious. Awkward but funny. It made me think of what would happen if I had the guts to ask someone for such a toy…
I really like the way this is written. It’s written in a very ‘real’ way. Meaning that the dialogue is real; like someone would speak in real life. I wouldn’t change a thing about the piece of writing. Well done.
FLHotnizz reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed the exchange between your characters. How the main character seems to be trying to balance family life and her personal life. She tries to be there for everyone. Her train of thought about her daughter’s unusual birthday request is really interesting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing.
LunarEclipse1991 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this part, it is one of my favorite’s, i read it whenever i get sad.
Nvr2Young2Write reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that this writing piece is extremely well done. Between the characters Felicity and Carolyn I feel they share a special trust. However when Felicity asks for a vibrator for her birthday without any hesitation or noticable embarressment it feels somewhat fake. Most girls of that age would not be so open with there mother as to admit to wanting a vibrator for their birthday But i do understand why Carolyn agreed to getting it for her, as it is implied that she was not so innocent in “stepping out” of her youth. This excerpt shows potential and I have enjoyed reading it.
lyingirisheyes reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe see more detail of the characters, I don’t know if I’ve not read their descriptions before, but I’d like to get to know them a little better.
I think at this point, the physical identity of the characters should have been protrayed, once again, I may have missed it somewhere.
Have I possibly over-looked their appearances, so that I could better connect to your ladies and those else involved?
A_Alexander reviewed Version 1 -
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Very amusing. I found myself drawn into the piece, it was very easy to read, and flowed well.
I liked the characters, particularly Felicity- she seems like a very precocious yet naive and innocent teenager.
My only criticism would be that the section of text based on the conversation between Carolyn and David was quite short- (I’m assuming because it was a sample from the text) which made it difficult to relate to the characters in this section. However the part with Felicity and Carolyn was much easier.
Thank you
A.Alexander
photographer200 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is just my opinion, but I might tighten up or shorten the writing and the dialog some. The dialog, as you have it, is real, and may be how a mother and daughter would talk, but some of the information is really not necessary for the reader. For example you might say:
Carolyn and Felicity sat down with mugs of hot chocoalte. “What should we do for your birthday, Felicity?”
Then, let Felicity talk about not having friends, but I might, for now, take out everything about the mini-golf (you can include it later if it becomes part of the story line) and go straight for the tension. “What are you getting me for a present?”
“Clothes,” Carolyn said. “I keep feeding you, and your bra size keeps going up.”
Felicity giggled as she inhaled and pushed her chest out. “Clothes?” Felicity thought for a minute. “How about …”
“How about what?” Carolyn asked.
“about … a vibrator.”
Also, when Felicity mentions David, I don’t know if it is necessary for Carolyn to immediately jump to the point of saying she’s not going to marry David for her birthday, unless it is to set up a continuing dialog with her daughter about the possibility of getting married. Maybe Carloyn responds by just saying, “So?”
Anyway, I think things can be tightened up. Now, I’m not known to be a genius at dialog, so you may just want to forget everything I suggested. And, I’m sure as you continue on with the following chapters, you’ll see what’s important and what’s not, and do your rewrites accordingly.
Hope that is of some help.
Bob
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