Romance / (Realistic Sample 1) Morning's Glory

Morning’s Glory

From Chapter 8

At an intersection, the flutter of an umbrella and the smell of fresh bread attracted their attention.

They spoke at the same instant. “Wanna coffee?”

It was the work of a moment to park in the sunshine and sit in the shade. “Do you all have bicycles?” David asked, when they were settled and occupying themselves with coffee-plunging and with croissants.

Carolyn wasn’t going to imagine that his glance was one of admiration for her figure and approval of a healthy lifestyle.  She laughed.   “It’s having three children that keeps me fit.”

He dipped a croissant into his bowl.  “We had only Maria.  She’s seventeen.  She lives in a home of her own now.”

How little Carolyn knew of this man!  Perhaps he got up at dawn to cycle around the Port Hills.  Would he rise stiffly from her bed? Did he favour body-hugging stretch materials? He would certainly ride for pleasure, gasping with exhilaration and the excitement of being mounted, the bicycle trembling as he thrust forwards.  His shoulders and arms would lift the handlebars.  His hands would splay over the controls, every part of the bicycle responsive to his firm but gentle fingers.  Oh, happy cycle of his use, his service, his delight!  No novice, he, to lurch ineptly from side to side.  His powerful thighs would push downwards, stroke after stroke, thrust after thrust.  She imagined sweat glistening under her fingertips, and the salty taste of slippery skin on her tongue.  David would fly like an eagle, trusting his life to the age-old rhythm of striving and fulfilment.

The road would suddenly become less steep as David approached the highest point.  Faster and faster he would build to the climax.  With a shriek of ecstasy, sweat flowing from under his helmet, wouldn’t he throw high his arms and arch his back in exultation as he crested the summit? For an eternity, wouldn’t David breast the rising sun, shouting the Word?

A fraction of a second (or a lifetime) later, she knew, she could trust him to be a hands-on careful driver again, neither selfish for himself nor a danger to others.

A danger, definitely.  A danger to her peace of mind, without a doubt! Had she really thought of him rising from HER bed? She tried to push her thoughts away from such matters.  This proved as difficult as the Zen exercise of not thinking of an elephant.  

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FrakKevin avatar General Stranger

July 29, 2008

FrakKevin

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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I don’t like when people post tidbits if it’s not from like the first chapter. BUT your notes sold me, awesome description of your story, because I know how it is when you use religion in your story. There’s alway going to be somebody who hates it because of that. From this section posted I didnt really get a clear idea of how it’s going to work though. I rated this a 10 because I didnt spot any errors and if I start from chapter 1 I know I would read the whole thing, because once again I like the description.

wisedec4u avatar General Friend

May 04, 2008

wisedec4u

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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I love your use of the metaphor cycling for lovemaking.  I thought this was very cleverly written and good way of adding dramatic sexual tension to a piece that could have otherwise been boring.  Great job.  I look forward to reading more samples of your work.

narcotic_elegance avatar General Stranger

April 10, 2008

narcotic_elegance

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narcotic_elegance reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Again, a wonderful sample. The metaphor about the bicycle and sex, very nice. It’s one that I could actually pick out without having to guess at the meaning. I dislike writing where I have to take a guess at the true meaning of things. Bravo. I must read the full story sometime.

Tinamoore753 avatar General Stranger

April 05, 2008

Tinamoore753

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Tinamoore753 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

A fraction of a second (or a lifetime) later, she knew (I WOULD DEFINATELY LEAVE THE ()OUT AND PUT IN A COMMA. I LIKE THE WAY YOU USE THE BYCICLE RIDING AS A VISION FOR SEX. THAT IS THE PICTURE I GOT. FOR THIS BEING CHAPTER EIGHT IT WAS EASY TO GRASP CAROLYN’S FEELINGS FOR DAVID. OTHER THAN A FEW PUNCTUATION ERRORS I THINK IT SOUNDED GOOD. I WOULD LOVE TO READ AN EARLIER CHAPTER TO GET MORE OF A GRASP ON THE PLOT.

paigemc avatar General Stranger

March 31, 2008

paigemc

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paigemc reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Where is the location of the book? I just ask because David asked “Do you all have bicycles?”  It appears that the only people there are David and Carolyn. So I was wondering why he asked a plural-you question.

This definitely wouldn’t go on the Christian Romance shelves.

Some little things—“With a shriek”  for some reason, I have always considered shriek to be a feminine verb.  Women shriek, men scream or shout.

“Coffee-plunging” is this a local thing? I’ve never heard of it. Doesn’t mean it isn’t an okay term, but it took me out of the story for an instant.

It also took me out of the story when David said his 17 year old daughter lived in a home of her own.

Then I really felt lost when Carolyn went off in a sexual mind spree of him bicycling, when all he asked was if she had a bicycle.

traveller_john avatar General Stranger

February 16, 2008

traveller_john

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traveller_john reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like the title of this piece.  And i liked the piece.  Great sense of humour and a lovely analogy of love making and bicycle riding.

The piece is from chapter 8, which explain the lack of a closer introduction of the people involved.

My only “complaint” is the reference to Zen in the last sentence. It seems a bit in the context. Was that Carolyn’s thougt? Or a comment from the narrator?

samitestar avatar General Stranger

February 13, 2008

samitestar

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samitestar reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

It’s hard to see the romance here when the couple already knows each other, from church, work, a similar route to the store?

The writing is well thought out and very visual, I like that, to a point and then I just really want the story to move on, go somewhere even.  There isn’t much buildup for the coffee break and that is too bad because I would like to know about these people.

Are they shy?  Is this the first time they have hung out?  What do they like about each other (besides looks).

I think you work on this a little more and then resubmit with changes.

HarryVann avatar General Stranger

February 09, 2008

HarryVann

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HarryVann reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Very creative.  I loved the bicycle metaphor…great imagery here.  Held my attention and would have loved to read more. H.

Winter avatar General Stranger

February 05, 2008

Winter

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Winter reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The sexual tension using the analogy of the bike rider was quite nice. It was a very good buildup. You aptly described how David made Carolyn feel. You’re on the right path with the feelings and emotions. However, the grammar and the sentence structure could be tightened to make the dialogue and descriptive passages flow better. An example of this is in the phrase “when they were settled and occupying themselves with coffee-plunging and with croissants.” There are too many “ands”, and not enough commas. I recognize the habit because I fall prey to it as well! I would run through and edit to get rid of the run ons. Otherwise, like I said, the emotion is definitely there!

Lino avatar General Stranger

February 03, 2008

Lino

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Lino reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I really enjoyed this piece -- eloquently written and very compelling. I was immediately drawn in and intrigued by the story, and felt I wanted to know more about the relationship between the man David and the main character Carolyn. I absolutely love the symbolism in the piece where Carolyn imagine David on his bicycle -- really cleverly written.

Nice flow; beautiful, well balanced language, with not too much and not too little revealed of their relationship. This is something I would like to read more of!

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AnnEnglish avatar

AnnEnglish

Age: 64
Loc: New Zealand
Gen: F
Last Login: November 23
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