The Lycan Prologue
His words held a regal kindness but I knew their meaning instantly.
“Show no mercy Taylor. Tear them limb from limb. This is not the time for gentle hearts.” Jason leaned in and pressed his lips against my neck.
“You don’t know what you ask.” I wanted to rest in the curve of his body as his fingertips trailed along my flesh.
It was one thing to change into my animal form. It was yet another to completely give myself to my nature. I had fought the primal call for too long.
A surge of energy pulsed through me as my fur erupted along my skin and my roar blended into the mix.
Dark creatures spilled out from behind the veil and I leapt into the fray. It was going to be a bloodbath, and my tongue was ready to savor each moment.
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Spread it out a little more is all because everything is happening too fast. Backround information would also be good such as the relationship between the two characters.
Hello!
Interesting. Wherewolf? I like it. Makes me want to know more about what’s going on, and how they got there.
Alright, a few things:
Add a comma in the first sentence between kindness and but.
I would move “I wanted to rest in the curve…” up to come after ”...pressed his lips against my neck.”
I am also one of those writers who always lets the dialogue stand alone. Meaning, I wouldn’t have a new sentence, which is not in context with the dialogue and will not be followed with the finishing of another part of dialogue, on the same line as a line of dialogue. Get me?
I love the “A surge of energy pulsed through me as my fur erupted along my skin…” line. Fabulous!
The few lines of dialogue are also great and kept to the point, which is the way it should be!
Write more. Post more! :)
Luv,
Annie.
I’m curious how sexual orientation can change the species of a lycanthrope. It’s a unique idea. The description of the desert is good, I’d like to see that expanded. The cold of the desert could reflect how the character feels, having just been put out of his family.
I think Jason’s first line is a little awkward. Instead of “I would greatly appreciate it”, he could say “I’d appreciate it.” It’s a small change, but it makes him sound less formal.
I’m curious what will happen next. How much can Taylor control his changes, and how much control does he have in his tiger form? You’ve put a lot of information in this for a prologue. I’d focus on just one or two main points, like Jason’s introduction and Taylor’s recent fight with his father. Reveal what they fought about in a later chapter.
This was well written for the most part, there is one thing that bothered me throughout. The word Lycan. For one… lycan implies lycanthropy. lycanthropy means specifically turning into a wolf. Since, in your story, not all “lycans” are wolves it makes the term incorrect. The correct terms for generically turning into animals are therianthropy and zoanthropy. I think you should use a form of those words instead of lycan… especially since the only other place I have heard the term lycan was in the movie “Underwold”. I’m not sure it is an accepted fantasy term like werewolf would be.
I think you should establish that the main character is gay earlier on. saying that he was “of the same sex persuasion” is confusing. I wasn’t sure what you meant.
Also be ready to justify the fact that gays have a specific animal they turn into. I don’t understand how that could possibly be, but then again I don’t know why your zoanthropes work. Is it DNA? Is it magic? A curse? If there is a good reason behind that then you should probably express it quickly or more confusion will ensue
besides those things it was rather well written. Your strong point is your description. I really felt like I was cruising down that highway.
I hope to read more at some point. Cheers
This is interesting, for sure. I feel the idea is original, with regards to choosing a different form. I’m assuming you will delve more into this as you continue to write…it would be very interesting to read about that.
Forgive my ignorance, but is this character gay, or is it just an animal thing that he’s so attracted to the hitchhiker? A unique view point…if you are pursuing that.
Just one error I spotted as well: “distant speck[s] in my side mirror” – take out the “s”.
Thank you for the read – I’d love to read more!
I do like the writing. Yes, the credit system is a little funny.
I think you go too fast, giving details too quickly, confusing the reader. Keep the focus on the night, on the feel of the bike and wind on his (her?) skin. Maybe scent the human before seeing him. Maybe intersperse that with scenes of the last time with the pack/family. Also, since a feline would be such a big deal, you have him (her?) accept it too easily. He(her?) would have grown up with the knowlegde of being a feline would be a stigma. It’s just I (the reader) haven’t seen the work done that would make the character able to accept this.
Also, is Taylor a male or female? Alphas can be either.
This piece, though short, ‘cause it’s the prologue, worked really well with me.
I loved the first line: ““You will never be pack!””
When first read the story, I thought maybe when the words “You’ll never be …” the word after would be human, and the story would be about an outcast from his human family, though it wasn’t.
Thanks for a great read.
Admittedly it’s difficult to review just a prologue, and this is perhaps more a reflection of my personal feelings, but I prefer prologues to not feel like they’re just a short chapter.
Obviously, I’ve not read chapter 1, because of how this works, but to me, unless your prologue here stops, and the story is going somewhere else entirely, why not just make it part of a proper chapter? In other words, a Prologue, to me, should ‘kick in’ to the story much later – it should have an “Oh, I see…” quality to it, and I don’t get that feeling here.
In the prologue, you shouldn’t reveal too much – like the detail about him being a cat-type lycan, etc, because (if they’re important) you want those to come as a surprise.
I mean, I would also recommend doing that anyway – for example, have him change, yes, but it’s better to let your readers discover things (Jason’s horror at seeing him change into a cat) than just tell them (“I’m a cat Lycan.”). Similarly, you could, for example, have a great scene where Taylor comes out (as it were) for the first time, and show his Dad and family’s reactions. But since you’ve just told us in a single line he’s a cat Lycan and that that’s unusual, you loose that opportunity. Hope that makes sense :).
Basically, I’d recommend an approach of taking your time and letting things come out naturally. Even down to how he tells us his name is Taylor and he’s 17, but you then have a perfectly naturally bit of dialouge where it comes out, but you’ve already told us, so the first one seems redundant.
Hope that’s of some use.
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