okay, yeah. Maybe I should just make the statement “that would suck” the last statement. Thanks for the review by the way.
Short Story / You never learn anything in chemistry class
“The reason that atoms from ionic bonds is to make everything neutral. For example, Chlorine needs one electron to have a full outer shell, Sodium has to get rid of one electron to have a full outer shell, so when they meet up, Chlorine’s magnetic force pulls in one electron from the Sodium, and they trade and become neutral.
Yes, of course that was what we were doing, we were studying for chemistry. Actually, that was what we were supposed to be doing, but we were really going to an abandoned house up my street. Well, it wasn’t really abandoned. After whoever lived there died, somebody else bought the rights to the property and the plan was to break down the house to make a new one. And since they were just going to break down the house anyway, going to the house was going somewhere that nobody cared about. Nobody ruled over what you did there, nobody cared. And that is the dream of a teenager.
“So it’s almost as if atoms had a personality, then? As if they distinctively knew how to create stability?” My friend, Tenso. He had unruly black hair and dark brown eyes. There was an odd brightness to his eyes that would have someone guessing they were light brown. He was mainly droll, and he was fluent in the language sarcasm, adept in the art of apathy. He went to some private school in Berkeley called Maybeck, but we were learning similar things in Chemistry class.
“No, atoms don’t have personalities per say, they just… do what they have to, and recreate neutrality whenever they have the opportunity. Like people, sorta. As much as we say that we make decisions, our decisions are based on our personalities, which are based on the environment we grew up in. Everything we do has a complex reason to it that we can’t control. There’s no such thing as coincidence, really. And in the end it works out to make the universe neutral again, which is what it would be anyway if there was no matter to begin with. If atoms didn’t exist, they couldn’t recreate neutrality, but that neutrality would be there anyway.”
“We’re all just robots in some big scheme to recreate the neutrality that the universe would be without us anyway, huh?” I didn’t know if Tenso was mocking me or agreeing with me, so I assumed the latter.
“What do we owe to the universe anyway? It got us in this mess of positive and negative charges being all unbalanced. And we’re the ones who have to recreate that neutrality, the neutrality that we were deprived of. All for what?”
“Well, your theory’s basically right,” said Tenso, “other than its inherent wrongness.”
The house was so real that it was unreal. It was a place that seemed like it came from somebody’s imagination. But there it was. It was like a shell. It had no furniture, it did have some personal belongings, but it still seemed to be completely empty, probably because of the fact that it lacked any owners. As I walked from room to room, I saw old chipping yellowing wallpaper, cabinets bleached by time, rooms that were made of similar architectural designs, similar floral wallpapers with small variations, but somehow seemed completely individual because we knew that they each belonged to someone. I guess it was like observing someone’s life. And I guess by doing that, it was more like observing my own life, like a mirror. So while I walked through the house, I looked for more and more clues about the personality of whoever lived there. I found a newspaper from the 60’s, and I was surprised not to find a single article in it about LSD. I guess there was more to the 60’s than I thought.
The last place we went to was the back shed. There were a lot of paintings hanging, and that was really the first time I could see the personality of whoever lived in that old house. They seemed overly optimistic, really. The paintings were mostly of flowers in jugs, a few of landscapes, nothing that I’d really take any interest in. However, it was perplexing to me when I found about seven slides in Latin that were from some type of extremely complex math class. I couldn’t understand the Latin or the numbers, what they all meant, but it was then that I had the reassurance of the fact that whoever lived here, whoever I was looking for, knew something I didn’t know. It was as if I had a secret from them the whole time, the plain and simple fact that I existed; but now, it was almost as if whoever it was that lived in the house knew something I didn’t know; as if they, in turn, were hiding a secret from me.
“Life is symmetrical,” I said at last, as if I had solved the mystery.
“I’d say it was circular,” said Tenso. He picked up an old rusty washer. “Even if there was some eminent purpose that we all had to serve, some neutrality that we had to recreate, it wouldn’t matter because even if we didn’t exist, someone else would just take our place.”
“No, we all have a reason for being here. A special way to recreate the neutrality.”
“Well, do we all fulfill that purpose?”
“Even if you didn’t think you did, well, how would you know anyway? You could think that you didn’t fulfill your purpose, but you still could have somehow, some way you didn’t realize. And I understand why you think life is circular. It’s because you’re holding up a half-circle to a mirror and saying that it looks like a full circle. But it’s still a half circle. It’s just the symmetry of life that makes it look whole.”
“Circles are symmetrical anyway. Without the mirror.”
“It doesn’t even matter that the circle is symmetrical. What matters is that there is another circle in that mirror. And the two circles, well they don’t matter either. What matters is the fact that this circle is the reflection of that circle just as much as that circle is the reflection of this one. The axis of symmetry is what matters, I guess. The origin. And the fact that what we live in a mirror world just as much as our reflection lives in a mirror world, because we are our reflection. We do all the same things as our reflection. But how does the reflection know what to do? It knows what to do because of the fact that everything someone does is totally predictable if you know that person, because their personality reflects what they do. And you know your mirror image. You know yourself, right? And what really affects your actions is your personality, and what really affects your personality is the environment you grew up with, and what determined how that turned out is… human nature. The origin. The place it all started, where everything grows from. Predictably, of course.”
“So basically the origin is what controls our actions. Well if everyone comes from the same origin, why aren’t all our actions the same.”
“We grow out of the origin in different directions, we…” and suddenly I lost my train of thought. I forgot where I was even going with my point. And I was so close, too. It all flashed through my head in a second, everything I said. The fact that whatever I would do was planned already, and I was just on the other side of some mirror, and the person on the other side who maybe I’ll never know, well, she was just me, but not me. Who was I anyway? I imagined that maybe one day my own house would be a shell, I would be forgotten. I wondered what would happen before that, though. What if when I grew up, I just became some normal anyday businesswoman who didn’t even look farther than life as it was? Even after I was so close to the answers, it would all be for nothing. I asked Tenso about it, and he said simply, “that would suck.”
But he was so right. It was an ingenious statement. I told him that, but he though I was making fun of him. When I was young I wanted to be a paleontologist, but I had let go of that dream. Who knows what other dreams I’ll give up in the future. And I guess it’s all for the better, whatever that’s supposed to mean. Just another robot in the process of recreating the neutrality of the universe. I guess all I can do from now on is just trust in fate, in the origin, and just hope that I’ll be truly happy when it all does happen. I don’t know if I should even question anymore, but I will, I know, for now at least that is what symmetry, faith is to me.
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the_antagonist reviewed Version 1 -
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First sentence, “from” needs to be “form.” Third sentence last paragraph, “though” needs a t to become “thought.”
“I was surprised not to find a single article in it about LSD. I guess there was more to the 60’s than I thought.” I thought that was really funny.
I thought the whole abandoned house thing was interesting and pulled the story on well, though the connection between the house and your points should be stronger. Perhaps something about the house being a sort of origin of its own for the people who were in it, or its existence (or planned destruction) be an example or returning to neutrality. And why not put a mirror in the shed when you start speaking about it? Or maybe something else you can catch your reflection in. All in all, a good story and enjoyable read.
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Bananafisher reviewed Version 1 -
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A great short story utilizing a simple scene for getting in depth with cosmic ideas and principles. This is ground I attempt to walk over, as well. I think, if I had any complaints, it would be that the writing suffers because you just want to get all of this out. Great ideas just being forced out, instead of meticulously going over every line. There’s nothing really wrong with that, because it rings true, and it’s completely gettable.
What doesn’t ring exactly come at as real though is the skeleton of the story, and/or the old house bit. I don’t think it’s strong enough right now to hold such a heavy dose of self discovery. My suggestion is that you make the story between you and Tenso a bit more detailed and a bit longer. Give it more of a structure. What’s Tenso doing in the house, does it reflect what he’s thinking just as much as what you’re thinking. Is there some way to subtly tell the reader that you both came out changed?
Also, don’t quit near the end and tell us everything in your head and say “I asked Tenso about it”. That’s cheating. Give us that dialogue. Otherwise it seems like there would be too much still silence while you’re figuring all of that out. I understand you won’t be able to say them so perfectly via dialogue, but I think it would walk the reader less and allow them to slowly realize what you’re saying. Let the revelations happen just as they would. Again, because there’s two stories here, what is happening with the narrator and Tenso and what is happening in the narrators head and they’re supposed to be reflecting one another, and they do, but the house story is just a little out of balance with the weight of the head story. The narrators story could exist completely without the house story that you’ve chosen to deliver it. Make that not so.
With that said, what if you took it farther? What if you made it even more so the story, and what is going on in the mind are even more required for the balance you’re talking about. I mean to say, I like how you have the mirror idea. I want the story to live it.
I hope that makes sense. Again, I think it could all be fixed by just adding more of the house story to the end of the piece and adding more detail throughout. Perhaps even walking the reader through less.
I definitely see myself in this piece, as it’s much more in line with my style of writing. Big ideas and just a wanting to purge it all on paper before it escapes or before it’s completely digested and becomes such a part of yourself that you’re too close to it to explain it anymore. Describe it before it becomes you. Keep up the great story-telling and keep finding new ways to explain your epiphanies.
Oh, and a quick error I noticed: ”language sarcasm” should be “language of saracasm”.
-Noah
MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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qwesto reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very deep and profound story. It really spawns questions that have no easy answers. You do a good job juxtapsoing the house with the narratot’s outlook. I really like the idea of the narrator walking through the house and guessing at the signifigance of certain objects. It’s even more of an intense description than your earlier adjectives. Are you entirely positive you want to stick with chemistry class, though? This is more of a philosophical treatise, the atomic bonding part being more of a side statement. If you want to keep it, it works, just think about it. You do tend to overstate things, however, especially with the house. Try and leave a little more to the reader’s imagination. Understatement is always a better way to go.
BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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Look I think you’ve got the beginnings of something good here. I think you did make the connection well between house and thinking process. It is difficult to express complex ideas simply within a story. First if all simplify as much as possible your exposition,(it is pretty good, now, but make sure clear.
In other parts of your story try and avoid any complexity, or double thinking eg the house it was abandoned, no it wasn’t. Don’t prevaricate. `so real that it was unreal’ I don’t know that this means anything or is needed.
THe narrator is young – didn’t gel with forgone dream of paleontologist. Narrator presumably has whole life ahead.
Between last two paras, would include incidental action related to house. eg `Tenso picked up a newspaper from the floor, `So basically…..’
At the end. I would return to the presence of the house with physical action – someone stands on floorboard – goes through. Some symbolic illustrative action that draws or can be used to crystalise story.
Also re end didn’t understand where faith comes into the equation. If you want this needs prior eploration in story somewhere.
Well written and concieved. Keep at it. Good luck.
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