Poetry / No Grace To Fall From
Anti- depressants chased with 80 proof
Fixated and obsessive compulsive
Lost before the equinox and short moments of relief
Never enough air to breath or choke on
Cry loud, cry wet
Plead with no sound
Awake but dreaming the night sweats tormented him
Flames in the veins freezing him to death
The thoughts crush his mind every day
The sandman doesn’t bring china white and cocain anymore
Glass bullets are silent in a blackout drunks mind
The canvas he painted his life on
was gray like memories,
lurking places no one should ever see
Like the empty catacombs in his mind where they dwell
Loathing in self hate from what is missing from life
Brutal self destruction throws him against the misty mental haze
But he bounces off right back into dementia
and the skinless hand of Damnation
Chaos born to chaos as an infant
in a cold liquor store trash ben
Standing on the mountain of Midian bigger than Jesus
Walking into the Hell of his making
Rotting souls audience crying out
Even in silence he couldn’t make the voices stop
So he stands there,
looking down into the depths of his mental abyss
He opened his hand and released a faded picture of her
and watched it float down slowly
Then he threw a rock off the cliffs edge,
and listened as it ricocheted off the mountain walls
After smiling one last time and inhaling one last breath
he threw himself off
All he heard was the wind
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The skinless hands of damnation is a favorite line.
You choose vivid metaphors that make your stanzas flow.
Try to eliminate your overuse of words the & and.
This may help you tighten.
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I’m interested in knowing why you chose to have 2 one-line stanzas?
I think if you made the stanzas more uniform in size, unless you have a reason for it, it could clean it up in form/structure.
I also think you could get rid of some of your extra words – it reads like prose right now, structured as a poem. Or consider changing it to prose?
I like the last line. It’s very strong.
This has the possibility of being an exceptional piece. The imagery is amazing. I guess if I had one criticism at all it would be that you need to proofread a little closer. There are some spelling errors that while they may seem minor, really detract from the flow of the poem. Overall though this is a very strong poem. I could feel the wind on my way down…
Really enjoyed this one!!! I love the raw emotion and life you put into your poems! I really like darker verse and you do a great job in discribing a valley in ones life or maybe the valley is his life? Anyways we write alot alike really liked this piece!!
AWESOME read nomad, i loved it! totally cool. i enjoyed the ending, sad, but i loved it, it was very dramatic, and deep. i like the 8th sentence from the bottom up, where it stated about the picture and that, i loved it from there down..awesome stuff, fo real, keep writing, have fun! ttys! bawg
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