The Nephillim
Prologue
I lay thrashing about in the bottom of the bath tub, nude, and half wrapped in a tangle of shower curtain. I slipped, and my 7 foot 2 inch frame made more noise than I thought possible as I grappled for anything to keep my balance. I failed and took the shower curtain with me. The spray of water seemed to suddenly change direction as though the shower head had taken on a life of its own, adding to the chaos.
“Hey Mallik, you okay?” Darryl’s muffled words came through the door.
I heard a click from the bathroom door knob and struggled to cover myself. “Don’t come in. I’m fine!”
Time moved slowly as my head spun toward the door. It was that endless moment of horror you feel as your car careens from the road and carries you to your death.
Darryl pushed open the door and rushed over to the fixtures to shut off the torrent of water blasting me and much of the bathroom floor. “Hey! You okay?”
His deep brown eyes traveled the length of my pale wraith-like body to my waist. I watched his caring and friendly face twist into an expression of complete disgust. “What the hell are you?!”
Hot tears slid down my cheeks as my eyes blazed white light. “Get out!” I sat upright and pulled my knees to my chest.
“What the Fuck!” Darryl backed away slowly as if he had just stumbled upon a ravenous animal eyeing him as its next meal.
His back hit the wall and he let out a yelp. He turned and ran out the bathroom. I heard his feet pound through the small hotel room and then the jiggle of metal as he fumbled with the lock. I clambered out of the tub and watched as he flung open the door and fled into the cold and lonely night.
I loved him, had killed for him, and now he ran from me in fear for his life. I rose and pulled a towel from the rusting shelf on the wall and wrapped it around my waist. We aren’t the kind of night creatures that call the police so I didn’t fear unexpected company. I made my way across the room and closed the door, shutting out the cold and noise of traffic. At least tonight I would have a warm dry place to rest, even if Darryl didn’t lie beside me. My fear and hopes combined with the thoughts that he might return.
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This was a good beginning! There are a couple of things I would suggest. In the sentences, “I slipped, and my 7 foot 2 inch frame made more noise than I thought possible as I grappled for anything to keep my balance. I failed and took the shower curtain with me.” Could be rephrased a little bit to improve how they read. For example, “My 7 foot 2 inch frame made more noise than I thought possible as I slipped and grappled for anything to help me keep my balance. The last of my stability failed and I took the shower curtain down with me.” I was also thinking that you might not want to have mentioned the shower curtain prior to those sentences. I was wondering what caused the loss of balance in the first place? Is this something that commonly happens to this being? (I want to say the being has an almost feminine feel, but as sex wasn’t mentioned in a concrete manner I can’t really say!) I also though a description of what Darryl saw when he looked down on the being in the tub would have made the reader more able to understand and identify with his reaction. Good work!
Just a few suggestions;
Bath tub could be one word, bathtub
With the following sentence, it could be refined; also not sure about the word shelf…do you mean rail…what type of shelf rusts? Metal I suppose lol
I rose and pulled a towel from the rusting shelf on the wall and wrapped it around my waist to -
I rose, pulled a towel from the rusting rail on the wall, and wrapped it around my waist.
Good luck with it, it is an intriging start, I will read some more of them.
You write very well.
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