Poetry / Why I Said I would Die Without You
I’m not answering those questions
In case you’re still asking
With your lips poking outward
As if some snow is falling and you
are trying to catch suicidal snowflakes
on your cheap cherry flavored lip balm.
No one looks cute when they are pouting.
It’s icy, your voice,
and the road we just skated over
In a car that shouldn’t have
stopped at the light, but somehow
did, so we are still alive now to cry
about it openly and in public
like 4 year olds tripping over untied shoes.
You want to know if I want
to love you, and my favorite position
Do I talk during sex?
Listen to show tunes, and like pepperoni?
I mostly want to swiftly dump
My hot coffee into your lap,
Just so you’d stop with the whining.
You’re an infant and we’re supposed
to be grown and over this stage
Please accept that
Being in an almost accident is not
an excuse to talk about forever
and how much it does or does
not apply to you and I, or “we” as you call us.
You might say I don’t love you but
at least I drank the coffee instead
of introducing it to your lap
You should appreciate that
I don’t just act out every thought in my head
the way you do, here on a road
that almost took away our forever altogether.
I conclude, begrudgingly
In that obvious regard, perhaps I should
feel lucky you’re still here with me
Because you were the one that grabbed
the wheel, and maybe, just maybe
that means, I really might
die without you.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Hey – I really dig this! I can tell you are trying something new here, and i think it’s working for ya ;)
The stream of conciousness aspect of the piece is very appropriate to the theme or message you are trying to convey. It feels almost like an “apology letter or some sort of love letter.
When I first started reading it, I thought it could possibly be from a man’s point of view. Is this true? I think I felt that way because “cherry lip balm” didn’t make me think of cherry chapstick, which i think you intended, it made me think of some kind of glossy cherry balm.
Despite my confusion, I enjoyed the fact that I couldn’t tell, while I continued to read, whether the speaker was a man or a woman.
I felt that the message dealt with an issue I completely related to – and you drew the picture of teh icy environment beautifully. I also felt there were many metaphors with that environment that can be taken away from this piece without spelling it out for the reader.
The second stanza is the only one that I thought might need some rearranging or rethinking – some lines in that section just didn’t flow as nicely as the rest of the piece. I also didn’t quite understand how “crying” (because of the almost accident -“skated”) relates to a 4-year old tripping over shoelaces. I loved the words you used – I guess I just didn’t get that part.
I love you! I think this is definitely a masterpiece. Congrats on expanding your style! I don’t think you need to change much, if anything at all.
Great work ;)
-J
- add/view comments (0)
Showing 1 - 1 of 1
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
