Short Story / dreams within
He huddled down deep in the trench, trying to ignore the stench of blood and shit, trying to compress his body, make it seamlessly fit into the join of wall and floor. The bombs kept falling, shrieking as they passed by his hole, roaring as they broke into a thousand, thousand pieces which flew at him, bright, hot, searing his skin. There were rats in the trench with him, fat with war, fur greasy, eyes sparking with fear at the noise and tumult. He was, oddly enough, happy to have them there with him, happy to have something of life in this place of death. A bomb shrieked louder, the air vibrating with its motion and he knew, as it came closer, that it was not to pass overhead. A thud and then the dirt rose up and began to cover him, faster than he could move it. It rose past his mouth and nose, and he started to gasp at the horror of it.
“Jack, wake up, you’re having that dream again.” He shook his head, tried to stop the trembling in his arms and legs and took a quivering breath. It was a dream he had lived with as long as he could remember and he felt, with the certainty of the fatalist, that this had been a past life and was still a part of him, and yet the horror was so fresh and vivid, every time he dreamed it. He turned and held his wife. Her back was to him and he cuddled up against her, burying his nose in her hair which smelled of fresh mown grass and springtime. He loved her so much and felt oddly ashamed that he should trouble her so with these nocturnal battles….
He awoke then, alone, and yet there was the sensation of someone there, someone so important but the memory fled even as he thought it. He tried to clutch it more firmly, it meant so much but it was gone, only a hint of recognition, a scent in the air, a voice.
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Good concept. I liked the descriptions at the beginning and the inclusion of the rats. You seem to know about WWI (I assume). I think this piece has potential to go further with the characters. Being a fragment of a story, it lacks a depth that connects us to the situation.
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Why stop there? Why so short? You obviously possess a good handle on language, you have the ability to take this all the way to its conclusion. I mean, I like the pandora’s box structure, but I think for it to work, you’ve got to really flesh out the character. The character must be consistent throughout the story or else it’s not really a story. You can keep coming up with realities until you find an ending. I say keep going. Keep searching.
I personally feel as though that because this is such an intense subject matter in a very small amount of words it is important that the attention of the reader is grabbed and maintained through until the end of the story. I definitely finished reading the story but I think you would create a solid impact on the reader if you replaced “Him” with “I” and made some minor adjustments on the paragraph beginning with “Jack wake up…”. With that said, I think this would be an excellent story otherwise.
I love the imagery you used in this. It pulled me in right away, you should continue it on though.
This is rather powerful: it brings out the long term effects of war, even so to reach into another lifetime on this earth. The image of the rat as being the only living creature near the man in his warlife dream and him welcoming it makes the image that much more encompassing with emotion. The second paragraph gives a little ambiguity on whether the woman is really there…and the third paragraph clarifies that she is not, that perhaps she is also from that other life and just visiting, perhaps her presence is what triggers the dream. I like the step by step of this piece: it brings the effects of war into the dreams and waking up with his wife, then it brings the effects into another life still waking him up…great job!
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