Short Story / What If
An ancient tree stands at the edge of a great forest, slightly apart from the neighboring trees. Outwardly the tree seems strong and virile, its bark crusted from years of growth and weather, its branches gnarled and still covered with gray-green leaves. Inside, its heart grows ever darker, eaten away by the long, lonely years.
It stands far enough away from the forest that its neighbors have long forgotten it. Its leaves sigh in the breeze, longing for companionship. Its face is turned away, always looking at a hill in the near distance. It spies a tree it never noticed before, just beyond the hill in the next forest, its glistening white bark and slender trunk giving way to a gorgeous complement of green leaves, shimmering in the distant breeze.
The far off tree seems to beckon, reaching out, inviting with its branches. Could the ancient tree move, it would drag its tired roots across the fields and over the hill to be near a tree so lovely as this. Its roots are deep, and a lone sapling has grown next to it, sheltering itself in the shadow of the ancient tree. The far off tree can do no better, rooted as it is in its own rocky soil, happy but incomplete, wanting for more than the neighboring trees can give.
The two trees exchange furtive sighs, for the distance is too great and they will forever be unable to hear the other. Their leaves appear to whither at the prospect as the sky turns gray with the threat of snow. Years will pass and they will forget in time. The ancient tree will eventually die off, leaving only a shell of broken bark.
The far off tree will gaze across the fields in sorrow, shedding leaves in an offering of love for the ancient tree. The far off tree will continue on, becoming empty, cold and dark as the years pass, wondering what if, what if. No answer comes, only the bitter wind of winter and a blanket of snow around its roots.
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You’re truly talented in the way you’re able to use imagery/metaphor, in that you evoke emotion. Very moving, how you’ve given human qualities to a tree like it’s a beaten down, old, lonely man. Well done. And your contrasting description of the next tree, ‘glistening white bark,’ equally well written and visual. I understood a very clear metaphor for life’s difficulties, lost dreams, responsibilities, even communication (in P4), and desiring something more. So much sadness in this story but so romantic (in a Chopin-like way). Oh, beautiful last line, ‘… blanket of snow…’ (sigh).
If I could offer a couple suggestions in P2, hopefully w/o changing what you’re trying to say:
L1, ‘… the forest, long-forgotten by its neighbors.’
L3/4, ‘The ancient tree faces a nearby hill. And in the next forest, just beyond that hill, it spies a tree it never noticed before, a tree with glistening… breeze.’
I really enjoy your work. I look forward to more.
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Very beautiful, unique piece of work. The way you personify the trees with your language is very nice and you did it flawlessly. You did a great job of pulling me into the emotions of the trees. I love it
Good stuff. I liked the last paragraph first sentence (“The far off tree will gaze across the fields in sorrow, shedding leaves in an offering of love for the ancient tree.”) best out of all of this. Very nice anthropomorphism.
This is an interesting piece – One’s inability to reach over and take hold of something they trully want always leaves a hollow space, fillling with what ifs.
I like the length… any longer and it would just drag. Any shorter, and the effect would not have been achieved.
I like how this story is written in the present tense because it makes me feel as if I was right there seeing how the tree changes from being strong and virile to being broken bark. I can feel the tree’s despiration as it longs for it’s neighbor.
The story to me seem like was a hopeless love romance.But instead of people it was tree.
You used people’s feelings and thoughts of a real life situation
and twist it around to be in the point of view of a tree.I thought it was clever and reflected on what most people feel at least one time in their lives.
Excellent writing talent.
Just a thought to add a twist to this how about a dialogue without giving away they are trees until the end. The scenery etc in the woods would remain. The conversation could be spoken without audible words but essences of feeling like a wind blowing in time.
Also ‘bitter wind of winter and a blanket of snow’ is a beautiful visual ending. Its your writing and style but how about without ‘around its roots’.
You use tree twice in the first sentence. Itg doesn’t read badly, might want to consider a different word. not too big of an issue either way.
Every sentence in the second paragraph starts with it. you might want to change that up unless that is intentional. I would suggest: “
Its leaves sigh in the breeze, longing for companionship.” TO
“Leaves sighing in the breeze, longing for companionship.”
the only other suggestion I have is changing the second “tree” in the third paragraph to “one” Tree is used three times fairly close together.
That is all I have, overall I enjoyed what I read.
You use strong descriptions in this piece. It has a neo pagan feel to it.
This is obviously a metaphorical piece, and in a way it is a nice metaphor.
Your language conjours up some nice visual imagery
‘Its roots are deep, and a lone sapling has grown next to it, sheltering ‘
The second but last paragraph has some particularly nice imagary.
You use the word knarled. I like this word but it is such a cliched word to use when describing old trees.
In the second paragraph, you repeat ‘it’ or ‘it’s’ quite a few times.
Its difficult to read. the ‘it’s’ prod too hard for the reader to take in much more.
Also you have ‘anthropomorphasised’ the trees. It is a serious piece and this really undermines it.
Nice writing, tight descriptions, and you didn’t bog it down and make it unnecessarily long. Superb use of the shift key in order to make capitalized letters. i am amazed.
I’m guessing this is a metaphor for something or else in your life, or at least that’s how I’ll see it in order to make it real to me.
Like I said, it’s nice, nothing really wrong with it. Didn’t really change or baffle my world, but it’s good. Enough.
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