Yo, “malt” is the thick sticky sweet stuff, somewhat like soft toffee, that you make malted milk shakes from. And beer.
Romance / (Preview) Morning's Glory
“Morning’s Glory” by Ann English
from Chapter 21
Carolyn checked the deserted kitchen for cameras and sensors. Well, there wouldn’t be heat sensors in a kitchen. She put down the tin she’d liberated from a storeroom. ”It’s a truth universally acknowledged that if you’re going to sup with the devil” -- she pulled out a drawer -- ”use a long-handled spoon.”
There was nothing for Carolyn to do. The children’s supper waited, all prepared. She levered the lid off the tin. ”Self-indulgence is the only truly worthwhile kind,” she muttered, a little stickily, and took another spoonful.
The last bus outside revved up and moved away, taking David with it. The noise faded, leaving her in solitude.
She was unable to utter a word, palate and tongue immovably stuck together, when David loped in.
“Aha!” David used the tone of voice of one who seeks to floodlight the murkier regions of the human soul. ”Stealing malt, eh?”
Carolyn shook her head. ”Mmf!” She denied the allegation as forcefully as she could. ”Mm-mf!”
David raised an eyebrow. He touched a finger to the corner of her lip. He tasted the drop of whatever it was that he found there. He delivered his judgment.
“Malt.”
I’ll not demean myself by arguing with him, she decided. If he wants to rabbit on about the obvious, I’ll ignore him and enjoy my snack. Any minute now I’ll have my jaws free, if I work at it.
David took her spoon away. She adopted the air of a princess betrayed to the mob, and gazed past him at the eternal forests. This was difficult, because for some reason he’d encircled her. To the left and the right, his arms fenced her in.
“You’re helpless,” David said. ”Do you realise what effect it has on a man, to have at his mercy a beautiful woman unable to make a sound of protest louder than Mmf!, whatever the man may choose to do to her?”
Carolyn didn’t know whether to shake her head or to nod. To do either might put her at desperate risk. ”Mmf?” she enquired, as an experiment to see what happened next.
David bent his head toward her, blotting out the eternal forests. At the corner of her mouth, where his touch still tingled, he licked the last trace of malt from the edge of her lip.
“Mmm,” Carolyn said.
She realised that the difference of one letter between “Mmf!” and “Mmm” would warn David that his window of opportunity was closing. If he wants to ravish a helpless woman unable to call for help, she thought, he’d better hurry.
The swine seemed to be more interested in the sweetness ON her lips than in the sweetness OF her lips. ”Fair’s fair,” she thought, and licked him back. For an instant she slipped the tip of her tongue across his mouth. She felt him jump. Obviously the nitwit needed kissing lessons.
He slid alongside her, leaning her into the crook of his arm, one of his shoulders against the wall and his arm behind her gripping her elbow. The other hand slid over her hip and stomach and up her ribs. He pulled her hair back and held a great looping handful of it.
With two swift gestures he’d immobilised her. He did not need kissing lessons! She had the feeling that she was about to suffer for her impudence.
His mouth approached hers. She shut her eyes, and heard a far-away vehicle, and the shocking immediate rattle of a refrigerator.
David licked the other corner of her mouth.
Carolyn had one free arm, sandwiched between them. She felt safe, and happy, and immeasurably exasperated. She put her free hand up to David’s neck and pulled him closer to kiss him properly.
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catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting, unique. I like Christian romance. I’m attempting one Sci-Fi/Romance/Christian novel I’ve posted here.
If he wants to rabbit on about the obvious, I’m learning new phrases. I had no idea what this meant, had to read over. You’ve got a lot of these referring to animals.
David bent his head toward her, blotting out the eternal forests. Now you’re speaking in code about eternal forests. Doggonit, I need a dictionary! (chuckle). What does this mean? Eternal forests? Is that his conscience? God’s inner voice? (Where’s my Bible? tee-hee) I’m just wondering.
The swine seemed to be more interested in the sweetness ON her lips… What is this swine referencing to…David? Ohhhh, she’s a bad girl, calling this guy she likes on a pig! You’ve gotta clarify this for me.
Cute romance and you like to tease us with David and Carolyn. I wish I knew what the story is about. Are you submitting this for editing help? or to tease us readers?
Uh-huh, inquiring minds would like to know.
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polkadot_princess reviewed Version 1 -
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There isnt much here yet, I presume you are continuing with it? It reads nicely and the kiss is written well. It doesnt come across as seedy or awkward but well described.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 1 -
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An amusing, mildly erotic little scene. Well written with tight, concise structure. The story flows easily, pulling the reader along with it.
Just a couple of technical issues;
‘she muttered, a little stickily, and took another spoonful.’ With a few exceptions, it is best to keep dialogue tags to the basic he said/she said. This tag is somewhat awkward and wordy, detracting from Carolyn’s otherwise strong, funny statement. Maybe try; ‘Carolyn said (muttered would be okay, too). Mouth already sticky, she took another spoonful. . .’ need something descriptive here. Anyway, you provide the same info without removing impact from her statement.
‘She realized that the difference of one letter between “Mmf!” and “Mmm” would warn David that his window of opportunity. . .’ Wordy and confusing. How about; She hoped David realized the difference between Mmf and Mmm meant his window of . . .’ Same idea with a simplified sentence in active voice.
My only other problem was a slight confusion of Carolyn’s and David’s interaction. By the end it was obvious she welcomed his advance, but up until then I was unsure. ‘The swine. . .’ Not very endearing. Is this intentional?
Other than that, a great start. I’d like to read more.
ellefie reviewed Version 1 -
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The relationship between David and Carolyn from this short extract demonstrates sparks between the two, highlighting male/female stereotypes perfect for this romance genre.
“If he wants to ravish a helpless woman unable to call for help, she thought, he’d better hurry.”
and
“This was difficult, because for some reason he’d encircled her.”
show both these male/female stereotypes wonderfully in a way that made me identify immediately with Carolyn and want to know more about her.
With this line – “He did not need kissing lessons!” – I didn’t like the exclamation mark used to end the sentence. To me it suggests a level of unsophistication, and from what I can sense from Carolyn in the previous passages, even though she has a sense of playfulness about her, I got the sense that she has enough grit about her not to lose her head in a manner this obvious.
“She shut her eyes, and heard a far-away vehicle, and the shocking immediate rattle of a refrigerator.”
Perhaps the above sentence is to set up the next scene, but if it’s not, then I think it would have worked better if Carolyn was focused entirely upon David’s impending kiss – that David was the only thing on her mind – if her feelings for David are that strong.
Overall, the piece comes across well and creates intrigue about Carolyn. I would like to find out more about her, as well as her relationship with David.
parametric reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. You don’t need any advice I could give you. Sweet, funny and beautifully judged – I’d buy it. :)
(What’s malt? I’m thinking toffee?)
(Did you try commercial publishers before you went with Lulu?)
DanteTabernathy reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m unclear as to why Carolyn doesn’t speak other than “mmf” or “mmm.” I suppose that the brief segment that here doesn’t explain it all, which left me wondering and a little confused.
I’d like to know more about Carolyn’s motivations. If you could post a larger segment of text, perhaps it would help me see things a bit more clearly.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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Not sure how the sexy Christian genre will work out. Hard to think of lustful, scenes in a Christian novel, but it sounds interesting. I thought it was good exerpt that made me want to read more. Only thing that didn’t work for me was the use of the world “eternal” forest…sounds a little to mythical for a romance placed in modern times. Also, a little too much licking going on. Girl, get to to the kissing part. I want to hear some lip smacking going on…LOL. Overall, I liked it and hope to read more soon.
lyingirisheyes reviewed Version 1 -
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A very captivating start, it needs a little more description of the characters, their location, their feelings, more elaboration on the feelings involved.
Where are they?
I’m interested in seeing where it leads!
BambiPurrs reviewed Version 1 -
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This started as sensually decadant, but seemed to fizzle for me, unfortunately. One cannot build sexual tension and then deflate it like a balloon. I wish I had a better reaction, but the wording was too restricted for me.
heavensangyl86 reviewed Version 1 -
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You left me hanging!! The little I read, I liked!!
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