Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Khakis
More events have come of late…ones that require me bear the uniform of acceptance…yes, the Khakis. The Khakis are destroying the world within I live…people I know are considering them to be the new blue jeans. What the Fuck is that about. I know that you may be thinking, “What’s the bid deal ass?” the big deal is that these tan pants are uncomfortable for my psyche.
It begins as simple as being invited to some formal occasion….weddings, graduations, business parties, FUNERALS (aren’t they all), etc. So you go in search of a fine tan pant…unknowingly entering a world of confusing and dissatisfaction. Arriving to the local mall, plaza, or accept shopping hub…things seem to be normal for you…relaxation is felt at this early point.
SECONDS after entering the establishment, the ESTABLISHMENT hits you square in the chops. The smell of a fresh salty pretzel lingers among the aromas of sugar-filled-youth and disillusionment. Swarms of the latest trends rush like traffic on Interstate 65. Fuzzy boots, skunk striped blondes, and an endless array of colors…Tan, dark tan, light tan, Florida tan, over tan, orange tan, and GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TANNING bed tan. Chats over being an individual are babbled by the group of young ladies buying the same shirt in the American eagle…or was it the gap?
I press on…which store do I cross the threshold. Making the right choice is vital. Choosing the wrong store would no doubt leave me wearing the wrong pant to the situation and being the butt of many giggles. Do I hit the Marshall Fields/JC Penny/ LS Ayers type place…or do I dash into the soldier’s stores. I know one road leads me to pleated pants and the other a comfortable boot-cut pant….with an already worn looked hole in the knee, causing a need to buy yet another pair.
Escaping with a pair of fine britches is possible, but suicide too. After acquiring the pants, I was stop cold in my tracks with the new problem…a shirt must also be obtained. I would have to repeat the steps I have already pounded out in looking for the Khakis. Fuck no thank you very much…This is not what I signed up for.
After the pants, a shirt, belt, shoes, tie, blazer, some other haberdashery…you know find yourself poor, stressed out from the shopping battle, beaten, and loaded down with a large amount of useless clothing, those things you never wished to own in the first place. That is why you do not own them. THIS IS HOW KHAKIS DESTROYED THE WORLD! They drain your wallet and soul.
Why do I have to wear them anyway…the bride will have all eyes on her, with everyone commenting on how lovely she looks, then mumbling how she needed to lose a few in the rear and her man in a tux…recreating memories of the first time he wore one…getting lucky that night as well, except with the school’s HEAD cheerleader. No one noticing you.
The funeral causes tears, blurring vision. Your khakis left unchecked by the sobbing mass. Everyone is too sad to make commentary. The dead…they don’t give two shits…they are most likely with out pants in the casket.
Graduations….khakis are just a place where stains are unavoidable…engulfing mass quantities of food and beverage…dropping some sort of sauce and/or booze on the leg is undeniable. Of course it will glaze over by morning when you notice, causing minutes of trying to get said stain out before placing them in the darkest part of a closet of drawer.
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Bitter much? Perhaps I’m feeling a little defensive (I just went to a gloriously beautiful and touching wedding ceremony filled with raw joy and love)but I was digging you up until the bit about the wedding ceremony. I enjoy your voice, your choice of words, and I was largely entertained during your discourse. I ask you this: Kahkis are ruining the world, forcing us to conform; this is your main point, yes? Is a wedding a form of conformity? I guess in a way it could be, what of death? I guess ultimately, that one is the greatest and most unavoidable form of conformity, but does it suit? Could one justify appearing at either in say black parachute pants, spiky leather boots, and a tim burton’s Nightmare before christmas hoodie?
I have to say, that throughout your writing I found myself siding with your argument. You seemed world weary, frustrated, and even somewhat resigned. But you speak of the wedding and of the bride who may or may not have a soul, of the perfect epitome of the popular high school jock and jockette, that I sensed a deep seated bitterness. Do only appearance concious, superficial types get married?
Overall, I love it! I’m definitely going to add you to my favorite authors list. Looking forward to reading more.
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this was wonderful. it has all the best elements of a good blog. I really see no way to improve beyond the grammer issues you already acknowledged.
Good job expressing such a passionate opinion. Khakis really are bad.
I believe you are accomplishing what you want. I had read another piece about choosing a pair of pants and felt the author should have gone into more depth like this one does. Yes you sound like your ranting and if you rework it, it could be used ad material for a stand up comedy routine. I felt as tho you had talked to me prior to writing this as when you went into the horror of having to buy the other accoutrements needed for the Khakis. The “large amount of useless clothing,” got me the most. Let go and show a bit more anger. It will make a better rant. Unless you just want to stay just annoying. I actually want to read more.
Your writing seems young and I am sure appealing to someone in your age category. I mean no disrespect; it just isn’t something I can really relate to. I did notice (and I know you said you fixed some of these things, but just in case) an error in the line
where them and one may enter another tax bracket perhaps.
Should read wear. You probably know that. When it comes to writing with attitude and staying in character I think the woman that writes for this blog is one of the best. Make sure to check out her earlier work too. What had me hooked to this blog was (and you must scroll down toward the bottom for this) open letters to my agent. Fucking hilarious!
http://felinesovereign.blogspot.com/2005_07_01_archive.html
Good luck.
I loved this line:”before thanking you for the four slot toaster.” Sarcasm or humor- either way it was funny.
I found this piece thoroughly enjoyable. I love how you even added the new problem: finding a shirt…then a belt, shoes, etc. I am sure any reader can relate to the dilemma and the quest for just the right clothing.
Your topic was a simple one but you added humor and scenarios that pull the reader into your story.
I totally agree with your banter. Khakis’s have dominate society for too long I say. Women too are forced into those Khaki skirts that leave feel of the body’s curves unnoticed. I found this to be an intellegent rant about a superfical pet peeve and we all have a few of those. Very Enjoyable.
I beleive Khakis are going to take over the world, but I think the plan is much more sinister then you think. Well written, full of sarcasm. I really like that. But at the end of it all. I think the statement in the last paragraph “I have no real conclusionon the the manner of dealing with khakis” kind of blew the whole thing for me. It just seemed out of place and unwarrented after that whole banter about being surrounded by the tan pant.That really was the only thing I had a problem with. This is just my opinion. If there is something more to that line then it needs to be elaborated on. I really was right with you until then.
Per your request, I won’t harp on the the grammar or speelling errors in this piece. (There weren’t too many anyway.) And besides, what do you care about these issues? You probably don’t from the message I get reading this piece.
I feel neither hate nor love for the Khakis--I own a few pairs of them but they don’t own me. Nor do I feel that they box me in to a certain “class”. This seems to be the gist of the Khaki Conundrum: To conform or not conform? If by wearing these you feel like you’re becoming a cog in the machine--part of the establishment—balance them out with something else that makes a statement. Perhaps a pair of red sneakers…
I liked the angry/cynical tone in which this piece was written. It seems sometimes that the best written work is done when people are deeply pissed about something.
But I think your piece just cracks the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Khakis are just the symptom. The cause is people mistaking their wants for their actual needs.
This was an entertaining counter-cultural tract. I really didn’t have any problems with it. It was visceral and poked a sharp stick at the people who judge their personal worth by clothes they wear or the car they drive, etc. Nice work. Thanks for sharing.
-Curt
“Fuzzy boots, skunk striped blonde’s, and an endless array of colors…”
Hey man I warned you to let your eyes adjust before you entered.
“and I do not agree with restriction!”
And yet as I have read thus far you restrict yourself to the writings of one who is constantly trapped inside an establishment.
It is quite possible in that hunt for the perfect pair of britches and matching shirt you may also find a suitable intellectual adversary with which to partner in search of the banter you left before entering the “____store”. Or would it be safe to say, (even though you already have) or possibly agree, that there is no such person left to find on the earth?
I look forward to the next “establishment” diatribe.
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