Short Story / Toxic Love
Quicker than the drop of a dime, her heart stops when he enters the room; yet once again starts pacing wildly again just as fast as it had stopped. For so long she has yearned for his wandering eye to focus solely on her, and her alone; but her shooting star has stopped glowing. Her knees are raw from praying, and she is toeing bankruptcy with all the pennies she has tossed into that golden wishing well, with its fresh crystal clear waters of promise and guarantee. She was living in a Disney fantasy, but then reality hit her hard, like a ton of bricks on a slate of cheap flimsy glass.
In the beginning it was like a dream, but soon enough, the lies, secrets and tears came, flowing like a Florida hurricane. Before the words are even spoken, she can feel the tension, like those last pure dry seconds, facing a ghastly thunderstorm. The overbearing taste of her tears makes her nauseous, she promised herself she wouldn’t do this, cursing the betrayal of her own emotions. The seconds feel like hours, and soon enough she’s lying on the floor, her once fresh virgin-like face is now destroyed, filled with a rage beyond description.
That was some time ago, but even now, her face still gets Tabasco hot, with embarrassment when she reflects back, how she wasted away her education, risking it all for some one who never called or cared.
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This 67 word review has not been unlocked.
First, the used of semi-colons is incorrect. Don’t use them if you have a conjunction.
Next, you need to keep it either all in the present tense or the past tense. You have them mixed up to appear like it is happening now and then it already happened..Some of your sentences are run-ons and need to be broken up into two sentences.
The plot or theme here? Did she get pregnant and drop out of school? It isn’t clear.
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Considering the age of the author, I will apply generous amounts of encouragement. You have the ability and the talent to write. I think you’re trying too hard to sound like an author and not focusing on the fundamentals and mechanics. Your attempt here is to sound like some Nora Roberts, but it ends up sounding a wee bit like Frank Miller on an IV drip. There’s a lot of good of what you wrote in this small piece, but it’s being strangled by the over-cliched drescription and I say over-cliched even if it’s never been written before because it just reads like a dimestore crime novel narrative.
ie. ”ton of bricks on a slate of cheap flimsy glass”
” tears came, flowing like a Florida hurricane” BTW… awkward imagery… the last I knew, hurricances roared, not flowed.
“her face still gets Tabasco hot,”
But then the good comes out… ie.
The overbearing taste of her tears makes her nauseous,(this should be the end of the sentence) she promised herself she wouldn’t do this,(another sentence) cursing the betrayal of her own emotions.(this should be restructured into another sentence) The seconds feel like hours, and soon enough she’s lying on the floor, her once fresh virgin-like face is now destroyed, filled with a rage beyond description.” Other than the major run-on sentence, this is where YOUR voice and talent to write actually came out in the writing. I think if you gave it another try using this voice, it would sparkle. Best of luck and write on dear friend.
J.L. Campbell
www.jlcampbellbooks.com
This is a good piece of writing. Just a few things.
1. Comparing things to things; Disney, hurricane and Tabasco. Knowing that you write well, I think you can lose the hurricane and Tabasco reference.
Example, maybe you could try something like this:
...her face still gets flushed, with…
2. I felt the word ‘like’ was used a bit too much
But other than that, I think this is a great start. Well done.
This 195 word review has not been unlocked.
As a general comment, I found that you used too many similes for my tastes. Not everything has to be like something else. Sometimes, I think it is better to just rely on the strength of your writing and word choice, rather than similes or metaphors. They’re not easy tools to use well. The best line in the whole chapter (IMHO) is this one: The overbearing taste of her tears makes her nauseous. Although, I think it would probably be better as, “The overbearing taste of her tears nauseates her.” Remember the writer’s maxims: Less is More (otherwise known as: Don’t Use Unneccessary Words) and Show, Don’t Tell. I think you’ve gotten off to a good start here. With a little work, you could have something great! Keep it up!
This is the a piece that can be expanded. I wanted a little more info about why her heart stopped everytime she saw this guy.
I liked this piece as it is written well. I just think there could be more.
Nice Job!
I think many people get into relationships like this. It will be nice once you expand upon it.
You’ve definitely got some talent for only being 15. Keep writing, practicing. I like what I’ve read so far but considering how short this is I can’t really say much. Your writing is very discriptive but be careful with your similes. Not everything has to be “like” something else.
Good little snippet which captures emotion well. A couple of points:
...,yet…as fast as…had stopped.’
`Heart’ is subject – sounds like it pacing room. Final phrase seems long-winded. Simplify – suggest `yet just as fast began thumping (wildly), as he paced…
...well, (Idea: put full stop here – Make next sentence rebuke. `With it’s …(false promise/broken) etc.
have trouble with `flood’ like hurricane – blast?
seconds(,) facing.
hot(,) with
embarrassment(,)when
I liked the building rage, and then the endin denouement.
This story has great potential. Well done. Keep at it.
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